That day

The sound of a bag being dropped doesn’t seem like something that should be burnt into a persons mind. Maybe if she knew the sound of the bag being dropped would haunt her for the rest of her life, then she would have thrown it into the cupboard with other old bags, or donated it, or left it at home. It only contained a few items, a bus pass, a small black notebook and a phone charger, enough items to make enough of a sound that would stick in her mind, like a super glue that reached all the edges of her brain.

That day. Dana had been excited about that day, her aunt was going camping with her family and asked us to mind their dog for the weekend. David, her husband, had always really loved animals, it’s one of the reasons she fell in love with him. Although he could be volatile with her, when he was around animals she could see and feel the peace he felt, and it reminded her that he really was a good person. Their relationship had never been physical but David would scream and shout at her. Arguments are a part of relationships, but these weren’t arguments, this was abuse. Sometimes she was lucky enough that her mind could leave her body, frozen and terrified to move while he screamed at her for whatever thing was upsetting him. Cicada shells always reminded her of how she felt when he would scream at her, that just a shell of what she once was remained. It wasn’t always this abusive but over the years his dependency on drugs grew from him needing them to balance his mental health, to him abusing the drugs, then abusing her. Yet somehow seeing him with animals made her feel such a deep care and love for him that other times she forgot she could feel.

Friday nights were normally spent at home, but Dana needed a break and David was happy to have her out of the house. A night that she was at a friends was a night for him at home to be with his pills. Dana woke up early and slowly got ready to go back home, telling herself that today would be good because she would get home and there would be a dog there. “I better get home now, I’m late and there is a labradoodle at my house” Dana excitedly said to her friend Esme. “Oh my god how special! Have a glorious day!” Esme said back to her enthusiastically. The girls gave each other an exaggerated air kiss on each cheek and went their separate ways. Dana got in her car and realised that she hadn’t heard from David since last night. Anxiety began to fill inside her, worrying that he would be angry at her for staying later at a friends.

“Ok google… call David”.

No answer.

“Ok google.. call David”.

No answer.

“Fuck David pick up! Ok google… call David.”

No answer.

The drive home was fairly lengthy and she tried a total of seven times. David often ignored her calls so she would try multiple times, sometimes he was sleeping, other times he just ignored her. Normally after four or five times he would answer, but he didn’t this day.Once she reached the front door she just stood there, her hand on the silver doorknob yet didn’t turn it. It took her about a minute to breathe and prepare herself, believing that he was going to be angry at her for being so late back. Finally, she put her key in the door and turned the knob. “David, I’m home!” her voice boomed through the house. Almost immediately she saw him laying down in the back room, no doubt just playing with the dog. But the dog was outside and he was inside, and the dog had a terrified look on it’s face. Dana stared back at the dog confused. It took a moment to take in the room. The plant had been knocked over that had been standing in the room and a chair had been pulled down. “DAVID!” Her voice was urgent and louder than she had anticipated. “DAVID!”

No answer.

Dana dropped her bag and ran over to him falling to the ground on her knees. Dana was shouting his name over and over and shaking him. The shaking grew more violent and her voice more shrill as the seconds went on as she fought desperately to wake him up. With no success she stood up and shakily grabbed her phone dialing 000. “I need an ambulance! I think my husbands dead..” She bellowed into the phone, only realising she had said those words after hearing them come from her lips. After giving the details to the address the emergency call centre person asked “Are you sure he’s dead can you put him on his back, the ambulance is coming, but I am going to talk you through this and you are going to try and help him ok?” “OK” Dana said shakily dropping down beside his lifeless body. “OK Dana you’re going to turn him onto his back ok”. Dana went to move him and saw a pool of vomit around his face and begun to sob. “Is he on his back yet Dana?” asked the lady on the phone. Dana grabbed at his shirt and begun to tug to pull him over. His body was stiff. “I can’t he’s too heavy!” Dana bellowed. “You really need to try okay, can you try again for me Dana?” the voice on the phone replied. All Dana could think was that she was killing him by not being able to turn him over. It took about a minute for Dana to be able to turn him over and once she did she finally saw his face. His skin was cold to the touch, it was blue. Blue veins covered over his face and his cold dead eyes didn’t move. Where the vomit had pooled on the ground had stuck to his face. “I CAN’T HE’S DEAD, HE’S BLUE!” Horrified screams filled the house. “Are you sure Dana, can you get a neighbour to come and help you?” “He’s dead, he’s blue, he’s dead, he’s blue, he’s dead, he’s blue.” She repeated the words over and over, trying to convince herself that it was happening. At that moment she ran out of her house and stood there screaming. A neighbour came out and asked if she was ok and she waved her off, unable to speak because she was unable to stop herself from screaming. The sound of a siren broke her screams as she showed them inside, almost believing that they would be able to go in and work on him and bring him back. The day melted into itself and became a blur of screams and sounds.

That day replayed in her head like a bad song you hate that gets stuck in your head. The world had kept moving but she had stopped and Dana just kept falling further and further behind in life. A funeral had to be planned and she had to call banks and companies to tell them all that her husband had died. An autopsy was performed and it was ruled an accidental death. David had a life insurance policy on himself that she didn’t know about. He had had it for years.” Dana told her therapist. “Was that unusual for him to have something like that, that you didn’t know about?” her therapist queried at her, with what sounded like a genuine interest. “No that would have been something he would have done…” Answering, not knowing if it was a sad thing or a good thing that he did. “Fair enough then” her therapist said in a way that felt like she didn’t believe her answer, but didn’t want to push it. “Last week you were saying you didn’t know what you were going to do with the money from his insurance, have you thought any more into it?” Her therapist enquired. “Yeah I thought about it. I guess I will just save it for something mostly, but I am going to get a dog I decided.”