Splatter University

Splatter University is a so-so splatter flick with lots of fake blood gushing out of huge knife wounds inflicted by close-up hands stabbing close-up legs. No heavy breathing, which, one would think, was pretty much de rigueur for such a film.

It takes place at St. Trinian College (not a real place, but filmed at a real college), a Catholic university run by a Catholic priest (imagine that) who is in a wheelchair and whose leg shakes in the presence of beautiful women. This surprised me, as I was under the assumption that Catholic priests were more apt to shake in the presence of altar boys. (I know, I know, cheap shot, just joking, calm the hell down.)

The film was directed by Richard W. Haines, who also directed Class of Nuke 'Em High (which we just reviewed not long ago) and edited The Toxic Avenger. He should, therefore, have already known how to make a film that is much, much more memorable than this generic schlocker shocker. Unfortunately, even though Lloyd “Mayor of Tromaville” Kaufmann was on hand to “consult” (as the credits plainly state), he didn’t swoop in to save this very unmemorable massacre.

Forbes Riley stars as the star, and that’s a curious thing, too, because the name didn’t ring any bells—except maybe in Hell—because it brought to mind that old line from Rosemary’s Baby, wherein the late John Cassavetes explains to his wife, the very naïve and drop-dead gorgeous Mia Farrow, that his elderly neighbor Roman (played by silent screen idol Sidney Blackmer) had “some great stories,” and further that he’s “never even heard of Forbes Robertson.”

I think that was the name.

Roman Castevet, the Devil Worshiper Next Door, was speaking of the New York theater of the Gilded Age, but that first name—Forbes—stuck with yours truly. The name Forbes Riley confused me. I thought time had doubled back on itself while life began imitating art. (Or maybe someone just ripped off their stage name from the movie.)

Turns out she is an accomplished actress with many screen and television credits going back decades, and also has a second career in infomercials—most specifically as Jack LaLanne’s spokesperson for his “juicer” juice machine, or something. She has some quite fetching, glamorous pics online. Here, though, her early work doesn’t live up to the quality of her later roles, as she plays a teacher in a “cursed” classroom where a murder occurred.

The film? Oh, yeah—I was here to review it. Well, it starts off in a mental home and has an undeniably Tromatic aesthetic and feel to it. A guy escapes—like in Ed Wood’s I Woke Up Early the Day I Died (which, by the way, starred Billy Zane and a supporting cast that brings new meaning to the term “ensemble”: I mean, c’mon—Sandra Bernhard, Christina Ricci, John Ritter, Bud Cort, Maila Nurmi, Conrad Brooks, Kathy Wood—and that’s just getting started).

Getting back to it. The escapee (Dick Biel) kills a doctor, and then we flash to some Eighties bonehead frat boy types who look like they work out to “Eye of the Tiger” or collect Manowar vinyls. Then some people get killed. Then we meet the priest in the wheelchair. Then Forbes Riley ("Julie") begins to date a guy, Mark, (Ric Randig) she suspects might be the killer. Some more students get snuffed. A teacher gets it while graffiting a toilet.

(Hand over mouth, yawn, pat lips slowly.)

A twist ending that wouldn’t surprise a four-year-old still manages to raise a hackle or two, but ultimately, Splatter University doesn’t live up to its interesting title. I will say there is one scene, at a drive-in that curiously looks as if it’s in the middle of the woods, that hearkens back eerily to classic urban legends, such as “The Boyfriend’s Death,” or somesuch. There’s a little visceral gore, but not enough to be interesting.

But splatter where it will, Splatter University fails to stick—just sliding off the wall of the viewer’s mind, and not even leaving much of a stain.

One and one-half skull. Dull.

Remember, kids: Blood isn’t the only substance that splatters!

Splatter University (1984) | Full Movie | Forbes Riley | Ric Randig | Dick Biel

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