SINGLE BUT MARRIED

Yesterday was my birthday. One of my friends gave me an Ouija board as a gift. I said to myself, "Better than a dildo, like last year!" It's already an improvement, you have to admit... The dildo will become superfluous because the ghosts will become my pain in the ass starting from now on.

So, after the party, I didn't try the new X-box that some other friends had brought me, but I did try this novelty, which makes you chase pokemons in Hell. I put a few bottles on my neck before starting. I didn’t want to be sober when I meet some dead people in my living room. Otherwise, I can scream too loud and somebody from the block may call the police. But they should call the ghostbusters, not the cops if they want the mess solved.

Anyway, I was so drunk that everything around me was spinning, not just the Ouija board. I read in those magic letters the following message, received from the underworld: "We will make you rich!" Ha-ha-ha! For one moment, I thought I was at one of those motivational speaker conferences. I suppose they all arrived in hell, and they preach from there also. I asked, "Should I buy a lottery ticket tomorrow?" And the answer was, "No, you must drink some poison!" I forgot to laugh. It became too macabre for my taste. Maybe it was a joke. Can dead people be sarcastic or not? Good question! Maybe this thing is a clone of an original Ouija board, so it is full of errors or something. "What poison?", I further asked. And the answer came immediately: "Love!" Oh, they can be sarcastic, no doubt!

So, I suppose I must get in love to get rich. I wasn’t sure if I should become a male prostitute or marry a prosperous widow. Maybe both, to be sure! OK, let's ask for the name of the victim. So, I put the question about her name. And the answer was, "Pamela!" For a few seconds, I searched throw memory if I was knowing any Pam. And, bingo, it was one: the old lady from next door. But she isn't rich. Or perhaps she is! Who knows! I avoided her with all my powers until now. I must pay her a visit. Under the pretext that I want to sell my apartment, maybe she would be interested in buying it. I will tell her I am in a big hurry, and I will ask for half price. Rich people are always mad about bargains.

So, I knocked on the door. She opened it. It was in a nightgown. Cheap nightgown ‒ a bad sign!

"Sorry I bother you; my name is Chris, and I am living next door. Are you so kind as to give me a minute? I want to make you a business proposition!"

"Oh, sure, please excuse my outfit! I didn’t expect any guests at this hour!"

"Tomorrow I will meet a client who wants to buy my apartment, and I wanted to ask you first. By any chance, are you interested in buying it? I ask for half price; I am in a kind of hurry..!

"Oh, you are such a sweet neighbor; why do you want to leave?"

"Really?!"

"Yes, my niece is in love with you! She bothers me all the time to introduce her to you!"

"Do you have a niece?! I thought you were living by yourself!"

"No, she is in her bed right now. You can go into her room to say hi. She will be delighted!"

"Are you sure? How old is she?"

"Nine"

"Nine years old?!... And do you want to go in her room?!"

"Yes, yesterday she complained to me all day long because you didn’t invite her to your birthday party! She was listening to the music from your room, and she was so restless!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry! But there were no children at the party! It wasn't a good occasion for them at all, believe me! Lots of drugs and buzz, so no way!"

"But she wants to marry you!"

"Sorry, what! She is nine years old, and do you think it is normal for a little girl to marry a grown man like me?"

"Yes, that's normal; you're a very handsome man!"

"Yes, but if I will try to marry your niece, I'd be a very jailed and beautiful man!"

"Anyway, go to her room!"

"I'll, but please don't call the police!"

I was mesmerized. But I was also pretty sure she lived alone, so this could only be a farce. So I went in the direction she had indicated. I just wanted to expose her dementia, that's all.

Very carefully I opened the door in front of me. Inside it was dark. I waited a few moments to let my eyes adjust to the dim light. In the middle of the room there was a bed. And on the bed I discovered a Ouija board. At first moment I thought it was my board. But it had a different color, so it was similar, but not the same. Anyway, this coincidence gave me a shiver down my spine. How is that possible?

I heard the same voice from behind:

"I talk to my niece every day! She has the same name as me: Pamela. She died 10 years ago. She drowned in a lake. Now she's old enough to get married. And she chose you for some reason! You should start talking to her! I can lend you my Ouija board."

"That won't be necessary, ma'am; I have my own!"

From that night on, I started chatting with my new girlfriend every day. And I actually got rich as it was predicted to me, because I did publish the story on the Internet and it went viral; I got 10 million subscriptions to my channel.