Secret Within

My Secret’s are safe with my mind and my soul. No one will know the torment I went through as a small child. The anger and hatred my parents had for one another. Watching the love dissipate from there eyes as they tormented one another with there evil words and lack of communication. My heart sank more and more into darkness .

The person I trusted invaded my childhood and made me scared to even trust anyone one again. He was my protector!!!!

What was I to do now??? How was I able to protect myself from him. I was scared and alone. I could not count on her. She was dark and in her own torment. I kept avoiding contact with him, I would hide myself in hopes that he would loose interest. The anger between them progressed with each passing day. I was in my own misery and could not break free. I finally found some peace when my younger sibling was there to help me through my darkest time in my life. I was not alone, we faced the darkness together some days where better than other’s, but she would always find ways to pin him in a corner and torment him with her nasty comment’s or degrade his every move. As I sat there and watched them I relized she was the one who initiated the fighting. It was as if she enjoyed his torment. She kept pushing him to the point where I thought he was going to explode. Her anger and depression withdrew her from the world more and more. I remember starving most days and crying out to her for food. I was scared to ask for any in fear she would lash out at me and my younger sibling. All I wanted was her love and attention. Someone to hold me and tell me things where going to be ok. Most days I would cringe when she would walk by me in fear of being hit or pushed against a wall. My most peaceful times where when she was asleep As I grew the anger and hatred got worse, but some how I found peace and strength through friends and activities. I learned to ignore the evil around me. Some days she would lash out at me with physical contact and I would protect myself for her rage and abuse I had enough at that point. As I got older I was in more understanding of what my father went through!!!

But that does not excuse the torment he put me through as a young child. He was my protector, he was supposed to love me and hug me and tell me things where going to be alright.I had no one I was to scared to even say anything to anyone.I finally found out what love and kindness was when myself and my younger sibling went to live with my grandparents on my dads side. I remember how warm and safe I felt. I cringed the first time I received a huge from my grandma and grandpa. I cried when they hugged me. WOW!!!!

I was so amazed how good I felt with just one hug. I was on top of the world. Finally!!! I knew what love was. But it was short lived.

Myself and my younger sibling was ripped away from them by her!!! I hated her so much. Her control,her anger. It was as if she enjoyed watching others being tortured by her. She wasn’t happy so she wanted no other person to be happy no matter what!!! I still to this day wish her all the best. But it is best for me to stay my distance.