Satans Bargain

"Where the FUCK did I put it?"

Lucifer could be found on this particularly hot day tearing apart his hotel room, screaming about, in a bit of a panic. He could have sworn he tucked his black book into his jean pocket right after the deal he had just made with a fellow named Patrick, who was willing to sacrifice anything for the success of his restaurant.

"I know I put it here. What the FUCK!" Lucifer kept murmuring to himself. He took off his jeans and began shaking them. Loose change hit the floor, as did his pen made of pure gold with blood for ink; the only true way that would bind the signature of those who sold their sold to him in exchange for fame or fortune or success or whatever the hell these stupid humans wanted that day. Lucifer picked up the pen and let out a little sigh of relief. At least he hadn't lost his golden pen of mortal regret. If anyone knew how many sacrifices I had to make to get this blood ink...

Focus! Lucifer thought as he brought himself back, think back to the street before you entered the hotel. He began dissecting his recent memories of the filthy street he walked down that was lined with homeless people and quite an abundance of trash. He had been heading in the direction of his hotel and the distance between Patrick's restaurant and there was only a block. The black leather book had been in his hands almost the whole way. He only put the book in his pocket when he noticed a particularly young, attractive blonde walking toward him in a particularly slutty, tight dress. The blondes are easier, more fun too, and that dress was short. Quick access...

LUCIFER, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF MAN! he snapped at himself. He put his jeans back on and began crawling about the floor, looking under the bed and furniture. But then, it hit him. The realization of where his precious, sacred book could be nearly knocked the breath out of him.

The memory of the promiscuous young thing walking on the street came back. But this time, he welcomed it, because as he was distracted by her toned frame, he knew that the book had not landed in the security of his jean pocket but on the dirty streets of LA.

Holy. Shit.

Lucifer nearly tripped over his feet as he sprinted out his hotel room and into the hall, running toward the stairs; he didn't quite have the patience to wait for the elevator right now. 3 floors down, he busted out the stairwell door and scurried across the lobby. Back on the horrendous street, he ran toward the direction in which he had come.

You see, what was so special about this black book of the devils is that within its pages were the names of every soul in LA that he had acquired. There were so many that he had to keep a book of records as to not forget a single one. This book he couldn't afford to lose. If it was never found, he ran the risk of losing thousands of souls when it came to collection time, and that just couldn't happen. He had a fiery empire to run and how was he supposed to do that if half of LA wasn't there because he was careless with his most valuable possession?

When he finally arrived back to the scene where he was sure his book had been dropped, he began to frantically look through every piece of trash around. He looked in the gutters, under every table, down the near-by alley. Not a single sign of his book. Fucking lovely.

The manic search went on for an hour. He eventually decided to give up hope when he saw it. His book. His lifeline. His beloved list of ever-growing idiots who thought it was a good idea to strike up a deal with the devil. He saw it right there in the hands of a filthy, disheveled, overall mess of a homeless man.

The predicaments you get yourself into is truly unbelievable, Lucifer thought to himself as he approached the man sitting on the street in rags, a dirty duffle bag at his side, and a beautiful black book in his hands.

"Excuse me, good sir," Lucifer began, "that book there in your hands, that's mine. I dropped it earlier today and I really need it back. My, uh, business depends on it."

The homeless man looked up at Lucifer and much to his surprise, the man wasn't ugly at all; He was a young, attractive man with golden tanned skin, dark shaggy hair and the bluest eyes he had ever seen. His smile was white and his teeth were straight. This isn't an ordinary situation, thought Lucifer.

"What is your name?" the devil asked the man.

"Gunther" he replied

"Why are you on these streets, Gunther? Don't you have anywhere to go?"

"No, sir."

Satan, being the opportunist that he was, knew a good thing when he saw it. This was the best possible scenario that could have ever landed in his lap. He wasn't even going to have to work hard for this one.

The devil looked up and down the street. When he saw that they were alone, he leaned in close to Gunther.

"How about I make you a deal, son?" the dark lord began, "I've got finite knowledge of the world, what it wants and how it works. I know all parts of the past as well as all parts of the future. I even know what you desire most in your heart right now."

Gunther, clearly not amused or in the mood to be fed bullshit, started to laugh.

"Sir, all due respect, you don't know anything about me or what I want. You don't know my situation, where I've been or where I'm headed. You're trying to sweet talk me into giving you your book back. I'm not sure why, there's nothing but names...."

Gunther stopped mid-sentence, realizing in that moment just who he was dealing with. All this talk about knowing the world, the past and the future. The book filled with names.

He was looking into the red, glowing eyes of the devil. And the devil was trying to strike up a deal.

Gunther had heard about these kinds of stories all throughout his childhood but never believed them. All those years as a kid, growing up in church back home in Tennessee, had been filled with warnings of the King of the Bottomless Pit, The Destroyer, The Black Prince, The Fallen Angel. Lucifer. He didn't know much, but he knew that this was not the guy you wanted to make a deal with.

But Gunther was not one to stray away from a helping hand when he needed it most.

He quickly decided to barter with Lucifer. He knew he had leverage at this moment because he still held the book that the devil so badly wanted.

"If you are who I think you are, what is it that I desire most in the world? Since you're so smart." Gunther questioned.

Lucifer smiled a wicked grin because he knew he had a good grip on Gunther. "You want your old life back. You want to go home to the country and never see the mean streets of Los Angeles again. You want to see your family and your old girlfriend. You want to play with your childhood dog in the yard while mama makes up your favorite dinner. You want to drink a beer with your ole man on the porch while you both watch the sunset. But more than that, you want money. Because not only do you want to get back home, you want to provide for those you love. I can give you that and much more, in exchange for the book."

Gunther's jaw nearly hit the pavement, tears welling up in his eyes. The devil was spot on, as he always was. Gunther didn't want fame, or women, or cars, or success. He just wanted to give his family a beautiful life, marry his high school sweetheart, and buy a farm. A simple life.

"I'll give the book back and take your deal," Gunther started, "under one condition."

"You're bold to be giving The Lord of the Underworld conditions. But sure, amuse me."

"I get the money you said you would give me in whatever amount you think I deserve, in exchange for your book and only your book. Not my soul."

Lucifer let out an annoyed breath as he rolled his eyes. His hands were tied, and in the grand scheme of things, what was one soul worth to him in exchange for thousands?

"Deal. We have an agreement, Gunther."

Gunther shook the devil's hand to solidify the pact. If he knew making a deal with the devil would have been this smooth, he would have done it years ago.

Gunther handed the devil his book. Lucifer flipped through the pages as he smiled and began to laugh.

"I just need one last thing from you, in order to assure that your money gets to you. How does one million sound?"

Gunther couldn't believe it. One million dollars? That's more money than he would ever earn in his life as a farmer. One million dollars could take care of his family and more. He could almost feel the stars in his eyes. But he knew he had to keep calm, at least on the surface. This wasn't a sealed deal yet.

"Sure thing, sir."

"I need you to give me your full name. The money will show up in the bank tomorrow morning. No questions asked. You'll be scot-free and well-off, my friend." Lucifer ripped out a page from his black book and handed Gunther the golden pen from his pocket. "Just sign your name on this page, please."

Gunther happily obliged. He felt full of giddiness and relief as he scribbled his signature on the page the devil had handed him.

"Good day to you, Gunther. Use your money wisely." the devil said with a wink as he turned to head back down the street to his hotel.

50 years later...

Gunther lay on his death bed. He was old and had been battling cancer for years. He knew it was time to go be with the Lord. At his side was his high school sweetheart whom he married immediately upon his return from California. At the foot of his bed stood his two beautiful children who were to inherit his 40 acre farm he had bought with the one million dollars he had mysteriously acquired from California. He had had a wonderful life.

Gunther began to fade out of consciousness and into the light. He felt at peace.

Suddenly, the light faded. Within seconds, the light had gone and been replaced with complete darkness. All he could seem to find within this dark space was a set of red eyes. These eyes were all too familiar to Gunther. He was taken back to the scene of the dirty street of LA in which he was living, where he naively made a deal with Satan.

Gunther began to panic. He knew where he was heading but he didn't know why. Hadn't he and the devil agreed that Gunther would be granted the money and the devil wouldn't take his soul in exchange for the little black book?

"Ah, but you see, my Gunther," the devil interjected into his thoughts, "You signed your full name on a page from the black book with my golden pen. You signed your name in blood. You are bound to me for eternity."

"But why? We shook hands! We made a deal! How could you?" Gunther cried.

"Because I am the devil. Lucifer. King of the Bottomless Pit, The Destroyer, The Black Prince, The Fallen Angel. I am a liar, and a cheater, and a thief. But you knew all that. So, tell me, my Gunther. Whose fault is it, really? A snake will always be a snake, no matter how much you try to see the good in it. I will always be evil, no matter the promises I whisper in times of desperation. I will always be cruel. I will always be deceitful. I will always be Lucifer. And now, Gunther, your name will always be written in blood in my little black book that you could have just handed over, without any deal, 50 years ago."

"I can't even count how many souls I've made,

off the same deal you're on,

remember,

the devil ain't a friend to no one."

-Rainbow Kitten Surprise