Sanctuary

There was only one rule: don’t open the door.

This is the rule I gave myself.

My room is my only sanctuary, and at times, it's only my mind.

I live within a narcissistic family dynamic.

The only words I can say are

" OK. "

It isn't that I'm not allowed to speak, but any personal words will be used against me. So I just say,

"Ok." "Yes." "No."

And move on.

It hurts because, I want to be able to talk to people and feel a connection, but it's been too many times I've been used. They make the most pernicious lies.

I put on headphones to avoid the discussions of guests with my family. I don't need to hear the poison. I can't share my happiness because they'll claim it as theirs. My shame also is theirs. According to them, I own nothing.

Who knows if anyone has come for me, I wouldn't be told. Probably indeed no one has come for me. If I scream or shout, they call the cops and claim abuse. I'm trying to leave. I'm very close. I'm holding on to that hope. But the fear weighs heavily on me at times. It's my last hope.