Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Thirst' (2015)

Holy hell, this movie was bad! I actually kinda liked it, but man was it fucking bad. I have to say, just to make it perfectly clear, this movie is "Sci-Fi channel original" bad. We’re way beyond B-horror here, we're straight on to F. So was it good-bad, or bad-bad? You know what? I'm going to let you be the judge of that. Before I even get into this review, you should know I do recommend this movie. It's fun enough to be riff-worthy, and for me, that's enough of a reason to watch anything. But hey, the movie opens up with something crashing to Earth from outer space, and what do we all know about movies that open up like that? With rare exception, they're silly as fuck! It actually kinda reminds me of Carnosaur.

It wasn't without major movie flaws, however. After only moments of watching, I hated every character in the movie. They intentionally make most of the characters irritating and easy to hate, but I even hated the ones I was supposed to like. The female lead starts the movie by needlessly accusing the male lead of being a perv, then starts throwing herself at him. (Because that's how all women behave, am I right?) The male lead acts like a bitch for most of the movie, and then only stops acting like a bitch because someone handed him a gun. And when he's called out on it, he just doubles down. These aren’t real characters, they’re just caricatures.

None of this is really spoiler material, as it seriously includes zero plot development. No one grows as a character and no one changes in any significant way. Everyone's behavior is predictable, and you can even sort of guess the order they die in by how annoying they are. Here's a hint: With one singular exception, the more annoying, the longer they live.

Really quick, I just wanna say I'm sick to death of movies where the alien is physically superior. Can we once, just once, have a movie where the alien is little and feeble, and has to rely on cunning and its advanced intellect?

SPOILERS!!!

I do have some tips about the monster in this movie. Of course, we can all guess that it's CG. These days every fucking thing is CG. They start of by hiding the shit CG monster by using the lighting in the movie. The darker, the better. There were moments I thought they were actually using a rubber monster from how good it looked in the dark. That’s brilliant use of atmosphere. Hide the shit CG in the lighting and filters… then they showed it off in the light. Big mistake. Shit CG is shit CG. It doesn't matter how cool the concept is, you fuck it up when you don't put a little love into it. And some of that love can be how the monster is presented. You see, that fucker was actually scary looking in the dark. Add any kind of light and you FUCK IT ALL UP! Now we can see that total travesty that you cocked up on your buddies fucking laptop. Keep it in the dark and don't bring it out again.

The ending was dumb, too. But that was kind of the best part. However, some scenes were pretty painful to watch. They introduce this one character, give you no time to get attached to her, and then they give her a heroic death when she plows a mini dozer into the creature. You're left thinking... "who the fuck was she again?" Seriously, it's hard to place her in the movie because she's hardly in it for 10 minutes.

But the movie was fun because it was bad and that made it worth the watch. Definitely give this one a look if you want something to riff.