Reed Alexander's Horror Review of "Puppetmaster (1989)"

What is it about this movie that makes it so good? If you really think about it, this movie is actually shit. Just plain shit. There isn't a single redeeming factor about it other than the damn puppets, and yet, it's an undeniable classic.

The acting is laughable. It’s barely good enough for porno. And for the love of god, there was some actual single X porn. The plot is outright asinine. The story goes on like it was written by a 12-year-old kid with ADHD. The effects are CRAP! And for fuck sakes, the atmosphere is downright goofy.

So, why is this movie somehow so damn entertaining? Is it really just those puppets? Is the premise of murderous dolls really what makes the movie so damn interesting to watch? It's the only outstanding feature that doesn't suck. And you have to admit, even though they were going for serious horror, it is acceptable as a good-bad movie.

I mean, come on. They have a doll that spits leeches out of her mouth. That is some fucked up shit right there. It’s actually kinda brilliant though. It’s gross, creepy, and AWESOME! The only lame puppet is the one with multiple faces. The fuck does he even do?

Of course I recommend this movie. I can’t NOT recommend this movie.

SPOILERS!!!

Should I even bother with the warning? Any hardcore fanatic has seen this movie. A group of "magicians" get together to pay respects to their dead friend who they all somehow know is actually out to kill them. And yet, all of them, knowing this was a trap, decide it would be a grand fucking idea to just waltz right on in. No questions asked. Though, I give the one lady props for at least stabbing the corpse with a long ass needle. Unfortunately for her, the guy is now basically undead.

But that's why this movie makes no fucking sense. If this guy figured out the key to immortality and wanted to make sure his friends didn't catch on, why take them on all at once? Why not get them in one at a time? And he knew one of the magicians was precognitive. Didn’t he worry at least a little bit that the precognitive might figure his shit out? Lo and behold, who survives to the end but the fucking precognitive. And why bother with the puppets? He's more than capable of killing them himself and getting away with it. After all, he is dead! What I’m saying is, I understand he needs the puppet master’s formula to live forever, but he doesn’t really need the puppets.

And at the end, the puppets have a change of heart. Why? What fucking difference would it make that he was an asshole, then as opposed to any other time?! So, you're telling me, the puppets wholesale kill four people, and now all of the sudden they're squeamish about killing two more. I can sorta see if the puppets were planning a takeover, maybe stealing the formula and gaining autonomy, but that’s not what happens. One of them gets kicked around, not even for the first time, and they all go ape shit.

Nothing about their motivation makes any sense. Sure, I bet they were glad to get out of the wall they were hidden in, and I get it that they had to play along for the serum, but once they had access to the puppet master’s work, why continue to play along?

Nothing about this movie made any fucking sense. But then, nothing had too. It was just fun to watch those little buggers kill people. That was really the only reason. It wouldn't even be hard to remake this movie as by all rights this movie shouldn’t have sucked.