My Cancer Manifesto

It starts with love . . . Unconditional Love: Ai 爱爱爱爱爱爱爱爱爱爱爱爱爱爱爱爱爱爱

I have survived cancer twice, and I was told I was about to die. However, I radically changed my mindset and my diet while in the hospital and I did a lot of walking meditation to stay positive. Though I survived cancer treatments twice with chemo, I filed bankruptcy and was forced to retire from teaching.

Remembering the Prince of Pain

Cancer becomes hell especially when your father stands as the God of Death. As I went through chemo treatments, I was haunted by the last time that I went through hell, my childhood. Being part Asian and part America, I see two cultures and two ways of seeing the world. The Eastern Gothic is not the same as the Western Gothic. For example, Asia does not have vampires; instead, they have shapeshifting fox spirits, who have nine tails and come from another planet.

In Asia, Heaven and Hell are not where you go to after you die, they exist in the eternal now. Your karma or actions place you into a positive or negative realm, for we are reborn again and again and again. Demons and Gods are here on this earth, walking with us, talking to us and live with us.

I taught people how to write as a professor at a university who ran the writing center and was the director of the writing program. I also taughr World Mythology and know about the metaphysics of many cultures. Keep in mind that chemo kills healthy cells as well as cancer cells. Survive and live, but return to world that is on fire and about to explode.

Now I have forgotten my English because I think in Korean, my first language and read in Spanish. I grew up in many countries before I moved to America. I always dream of my Salamanca girlfriend, my first love.

As a defenseless child many years ago, my father would strip all my clothes off and smile sadistically, "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Then he would proceed to beat me, making sure to leave absolutely no marks where a teacher could see it. Therefore, my bottom was really hit really hard. Indeed, I had cutting welt scars, red blood marks, and purple scratches all over my body.

I was warned to tell no one, or he would kill everyone in my family. I believed him. Sometimes we moved three times in one year because he didn't trust me. If I cried or looked like it was painful, he simply hit me harder.

Therefore, I had to look into his eyes like he was a compassionate god. To me, he became the god of pain, the god of evil, and the god of all demons. Instead, I imagined that he was taking me to eat ice cream or taking me to Disneyland as he was beating me.

I was never told about the Prince of Peace, the Goddess of Mercy, or the Mother of God. My father was not religious, just a demon.

Rise Above the Pain: Uncovering Positivity

Growing up, I only knew my father as a Stranger, Mr. Satan, the man whom I feared.

I could defeat bullies, I could out run dogs, and I could survive watching the evening news about the evil in the world. One day as I was walking away from my father's abusive beating, I noticed someone was following me: Shadow Man. This magical shadow actually talked back and tried to console me.

He was my shadow, mixed with insanity from my punishments. I knew it was just my own shadow trying to alleviate my tortures from the God of Death. I never trusted patriarchal religions like Christianity.

Who wants a father in heaven when you have a father in hell at home Instead, I desired a loving woman to marry, a kind mother to protect me, or a Goddess like Kali to seek justice and kill all men (except me), especially my mother.

I grew up hating all men. All men are created evil. To this day, my only ture friends are women. Indeed, men bore me and usually try to kiss me. I am not that kind man.

One day, I found some golden tarot cards with dice. I started to read about my future and then a golden box magically appeared. So I talked into it, imagining it was a lamp with a genie inside. Instead, I saw a shadow inside. Then a miracle happened, my shadow man became a human and stood before me. What happens next is unreal. Read the next chapter. . . . Thank you! Gracias. Halloween was coming. Kids love that, even Christian kids.

More is coming.

I am crying when I write this. I wrote this years ago. It is time to tell the truth. I have kept this secret for too long. I want to world to know what I went through.