Monster Talk

Even the things that went bump in the night needed to have a break once in a while. Edgar, for one, had been a bogeyman for three decades—ever since he had died from a mortal existence he could not remember living—and scaring children got old after a while. And between the hours of 3 AM and 6 AM, all the people he could frighten had fallen back into predawn sleep. (Insomniacs were not the best company. They were often bingeing the latest thing on Netflix.)

Edgar had gotten into the habit of going to the local 24-hour diner just off the highway. At first, he had simply sat in a booth and mulled over a half-eaten tuna melt while wan-looking truck drivers nursed cups of coffee before they set off on the road again. But one evening in the middle of winter, things were different. That was the first time in the diner that Edgar glimpsed a vampire trying to find a quick and easy meal.

How had he spotted a bloodsucker so easily? Well, she wasn’t doing such a great job at masking what she was. She wore tight clothing that left none of her curves to the imagination, her blonde hair teased into an up-do that probably went out of fashion in the eighties. But even for a vampire she looked...old. Most vampires Edgar had come across in the past thirty years had been in their teens or twenties before their Change, but this one could have passed for a middle-aged mother if the environment, time, and choices of clothing had been different.

But as it was, she had sidled up to one of the truck drivers, a man with a scraggly beard and drooping eyes. The way he smiled at the vampire, Edgar knew the man had fallen under the vampire’s enticement spell that worked like a witch’s charm would have. Though only a bogeyman—the most common of supernatural creatures since one usually ended up residing in almost every home—he had crossed paths with enough of the Beautiful Undead to recognize the signs of what was most likely a drain-and-drive type arrangement.

Unnaturals were not supposed to intervene in others’ affairs, especially when it came to tactics of self-preservation. Edgar should have turned his head away, sipped his tea, and left well enough alone until the vampire left with her prey. As long as she didn’t kill the guy—that would go against the Articles of Concordance—it wasn’t any of his business.

But Edgar knew things. He had seen the truck driver take pills just a half hour past. Human pharmaceuticals and blood-letting from a ravenous vampire would not mix. Even Edgar knew that much. And the vampire—either she didn’t know, or she just didn’t care. Either could be possible.

His decision was made as soon as he stepped out of the booth.

“Hey, love, I think you’re barking up the wrong tree tonight,” he said as soon as he was standing beside the booth where the vampire was leaning into the enchanted mortal. She looked up, startled, because she had not sensed his presence. The best part of being a bogeyman was the ability to be soundless and scentless. He was made to dissolve into shadows at the barest hint of warning.

He gave a slight smile which seemed to unnerve the vampire even more.

She frowned at him. “Not the best time, pal,” she said, a slight purr to her voice. Edgar recognized it as just another side-effect of the spell she was wielding. The cadence of her voice was likely controlling the daze over the truck driver beside her.

“And I think you should get up and leave the nice man alone,” he said, mimicking the wispy tone she had used. She narrowed her eyes at him as if she would have jumped him and sucked him dry—if she could have—just for the insult of his bothering her.

A low growl rumbled from the vampire, and Edgar’s smile just grew wider. “Not gonna work, love,” he said. “Can’t magick me away.”

The vampire let out a sound of frustration—loud enough to make an older woman a few tables away jerk as if she had been in danger of falling asleep—and the next moment, the truck driver’s eyes snapped open wide. He looked around as if he couldn’t remember where he was.

The vampire stood up abruptly and took Edgar by the collar. The way she bared her fangs at him without reservation—she definitely was an audacious bloodsucker. Most of them these days knew how to show more restraint.

“Sorry,” Edgar said before she could hiss or spit at him like an angry cat, though he was really not sorry at all. “How about I make it up to you? I’ll buy your next coffee.”

“What I want isn’t on the menu,” she said, and her irises sparked with the hidden magic that allowed her never to age. But the longer she stared at him, the more uncomfortable he felt. Things tended to get awkward when other Unnaturals realized they couldn’t use their abilities as easily on him as they could mortals—or each other.

“What?” She sputtered, her nostrils flaring. “What are you?”

Edgar gently unclenched her hand from his shirt. “How about we discuss all that over that coffee, yeah?”

Reluctantly the vampire followed him back to his booth. She kept glaring at him, as if it were her magic acting up that made him immune to her powers.

He sighed heavily. “Look, I’ll clue you in. I’m the monster in the closet.” When she didn’t seem to recognize the statement, he added, “A bogeyman. The thing all kids are afraid of between the ages of two and ten.”

The vampire’s gaze sharpened. “So you guys are real too. Good to know.”

Now it was his turn to stare at her. “What? You mean—you’re new?”

“Let’s get our introductions out of the way,” she said, somewhat evasively. “I’m Joanne. Who are you?”

“Edgar,” he said. “But, really, how new are you?”

Joanne chewed on her bottom lip. “I woke up in this town two weeks ago.”

He whistled between his teeth. “Damn. I’m sorry.”

The vampire waved her hand dismissively. “It would be better if I didn’t have to tag people for blood all the time. I can’t seem to get enough.”

“You shouldn’t frequent local hangouts like this,” Edgar said, his voice falling more softly. “People get...anxious...when they spot patterns they don’t have the answers for.”

Joanne bared her fangs again. “I’ve survived pretty well on my own this long, thanks so much.”

“Yeah, that’s true, but what about a month from now? Or a year? Vampires are wanderers in this day and age.”

“So what do you do then?”

“The rules are a bit different for bogeymen,” Edgar said. “I’ve been settled in a home for a few years now, but the kid there is outgrowing me. When the fear stops, there’s no point. I’ll probably need to find a new place soon.” Which he wasn’t looking forward to doing.

"Then why don’t you help me?” she asked. “I’ve always hated to rely on other people, but I’m so new at this.”

He couldn’t help his startled laugh. “What? Me, help a vampire?”

He was ready to shake his head, but she brought her hand across the table to cover one of his.

“Aren’t you lonely?”

Edgar found himself staring at her, lingering a bit too much on her red lips, before he shook himself.

“I don’t know how, but you almost got me,” he said, impressed in spite of himself.

Joanne leaned back, a smug look on her face. “It’s nice you think I’m talented.”

The laugh that came out of him this time was real.

Maybe it was time to have another monster for a friend.