Little Brother

“Take me home.”

“You know I can’t do that. Stop asking.”

She looks over at the stalky man sitting next to her in the driver’s seat. Funny how you can know someone your whole life and then suddenly they become a stranger to you.

“Please I am begging you; it doesn’t have to be like this John. I believe you, I swear, just turn around and we can talk about this at home.” By some miracle, she is able to keep her voice confident and without waver, while on the inside panic is trying to claw its way out of her throat.

“You don’t believe me!” He shouts slamming his hand into the steering wheel as he drove. “No one does.”

This comes out as a strangled whisper and it makes her pause, could she be wrong? No, it just was not possible. John obviously believed it wholeheartedly but that did not make it true. Perfectly sane people could snap just like anyone else, right?

“Look Sarah, I’m sorry. I know I must be scaring you pretty bad but just trust me once we get there it will all make sense.” John pleaded his desperation for her to understand, to trust him. To love him enough to do this for him dripped from every word.

Again, John’s words and the emotion, the desperation, behind them made Sarah pause. She looks at him, really looks and for the first time notices how tired he is. Not tired in the way a good night’s sleep would fix but world weary exhausted down to his very core. His normally large and expressive green eyes seem sunken in, hollow, downright haunted. Dark circles serve as a frame to the windows of his almost tormented soul. His normally kempt short hair is disheveled and wavy in a way she has never seen before. She has known this man her whole life, seen him at his worst, but she has never seen him look like this, so lost, so alone, it eats at her.

“Alright John, we will do it your way. God help me but we will,” Sarah says on a shaky breath as she reached for his hand. John grips Sarah’s hand as if it’s the lifeline he has been so desperately waiting for.

“Thank you Sarah, thank you. I promise once we get there you’ll see. You’ll see I’m not crazy and we can figure out a way to kill her, together. Just like we have always been, you and me together against the world.”

Sarah smiles weakly at him and turns to rest her clammy forehead against the cool glass of the car window. She tightens her grip on John’s hand as she watches the inky black of the night slide by. Yes, together they would figure it out. No matter how crazy and impossible it sounded, they were on their way to fight the demons clawing away at John’s mind. He insisted it was all-real and would only refer to the source of this breakdown as “her.”

“Don’t worry, little brother, we will get her. One way or another, I will never let anything bad happen to you, you know that.”

John glanced at his sister, the only person he had in the world, and hoped that he could save her. Sliding his eyes away from Sarah and back to the road, he took a breath and tried to release the tension coiling up inside him threatening to snap. For this to work he had to remain calm and in complete control of his emotions. If he failed, his sister would be the one to pay, not him, and that was not acceptable.

Sarah felt herself drifting in and out of consciousness. It felt like they had been driving for days and the cat naps seemed to be slowing time rather than passing it. Every time she began to drift off, flashes of a dream would startle her awake. The dreams were always the same and the cause of years of insomnia. She would be alone in a room unable to see anything other than indiscernible shadows. Far away beeping would buzz in her head and ominous whispers would leave her feeling cold. Sometimes those whispers would be her name, other times her brother’s name, and always they would be pleading. For what she didn’t know, but as compelled as she was to answer their call she was also terrified of them.

As she started to doze off again, she felt the car begin to slow and quickly looked over at John. He looked pale and drawn yet more determined than she could ever remember seeing him. Reaching out she rested her hand on his forearm trying to convey her love for him through touch. Turning back to the road she felt her stomach clench and her once gentle hand gripped her brother’s arm violently.

“Where the hell are we? John I swear to god if you don’t turn around right now I will kick the shit out of you.” Her eyes darted from John’s stoic face to the dirt road in front of them.

“Why are you so freaked out? You promised we would do this together.” Looking over at his sister, he decided to take a chance. “You’ve haven’t been here before have you?”

“No! Of course not. Why would you ask me that?”

“You seem awfully upset over a nondescript dirt road to not know where it leads.”

Turning her attention back to the winding dirt road she felt her panic rise. What was wrong with her? She had never been here before. As far as she could tell there was no ‘here’ just twenty feet of illuminated dirt and unending unknown beyond that. No, wait, there was something out there she could just make it out in the shadows. If she thought she was panicked before she was now absolutely drowning in terror.

“John please turn around. I’m begging you just turn around and let’s go home.” She was nearly gasping, tripping over every word. If they kept down this road there was no turning back for either of them. Ever.

John turned haunted watery eyes to Sarah and she was held captive in his gaze. He saw the wild look in her eyes and steeled himself for what was to come. For what he had to do to her. This time he was the one to reach out for her. Gently laying his hand on her cheek and trailing up to tuck a strand of gold hair behind her ear.

“I’m sorry Sarah but you know I can’t and you know why.”

Slamming her eyes shut she tried to concentrate on evening out her breathing. This was completely irrational. Her brother was the one having the mental breakdown not her. Where this terrible fear was coming from she didn’t know but she had to get a handle on it right now. Her brother needed her and that was all that should matter, all that could matter. Feeling some of her control return to her, she opened her eyes only to slam them shut again.

John saw his sister’s reaction to where they were. Calmly putting the car in park, he swiveled in his seat to face her. He knew how hard this was going to be for Sarah but it had to be done, he had to end this. Reaching over he gently lifted both of her hands from her lap and encased them in one of his own.

“This is where she is Sarah. We have to confront her. This all has to end.” Not getting a response, he squeezed her hands in a silent entreaty. “Sis, I am begging you, please, we have to do this. I have to do this…for you.”

Slowly Sarah peeled her eyes open and focused on her brother’s face. God he looked utterly torn to pieces. Whatever all this was it was literally destroying the fun loving boy she used to know. In his place was a mere shadow, a hollow echo of his former self.

“Yes, sister, this is where she is. This is where everything began and this is where everything ended.” John grasped Sarah’s jaw with his free hand and forced her to look out the windshield. His heart clenched at her tortured gasp.

Sarah took in the looming house in front of her and gasped. “No! no no no no….we can’t be here.”

“Where is here Sarah?”

“I don’t know! I don’t--oh god please--I don’t know!” The fear, the panic, the terror, it all suddenly hit her at once, stealing her breath, making her stomach recoil and her heart clench painfully. Tearing her hands from John she clawed at the door handle ripped the door open and stumbled out onto the dirt drive. Her knees gave out and she collapsed hitting the ground hard. She started retching. What was happening? Where were they? The world started to spin. Then there was John, holding her hair back and running a soothing hand up and down her back and she emptied her stomach.

Leaning over his sister, he whispered in her ear, “Sarah, sis, I know how hard this must be but we need to free ourselves from her. I can’t do it. It has to be you sis; you are the only one that will free us. I know it’s asking too much but please believe I am doing this for you.” Standing and pulling Sarah with him, he forced her to look back at the house lit by moving shadows from the high beams of his car.

Sarah wiped her mouth and sagged back into John’s chest as she took in the old house. She knew this place. Something in the back of her mind started to itch and she was petrified to scratch it.

“John,” One word and suddenly she was the child scared of the dark and just like that their roles reversed. John was the protector and she was the protected.

“Come on Sarah. She is this way.”

John led her around the side of the house, never letting his hold on her falter. They walked toward a shed slowly. An old twisted pile of rotting wood and rusted metal was all that was left of it.

“This is where is happened. I need you to remember now. This is as far as I can take you.”

“Remember what? John what the hell is going on? You’re scaring me-please-please just-can we go home now-please.” She felt a wetness on her face that hadn’t been there before and with a start she realized she was crying.

John tightened his hold on his sister wishing he could spare her this, “We are home.”

And with those three words, the wall in Sarah’s mind crumbled. A loud tortured wail ripped from her throat and her knees gave out yet again. John followed her to the ground. Giving her one last squeeze she felt him let go, leaving her feeling nothing but bitterly cold inside.

Flashes ran past her closed eyelids too fast to process. This place used to be her home. This modest two-story country home right out of a freaking Norman Rockwell painting was her childhood home. Her and John’s, she taught him to ride a bike here, how to tie his shoes, how to read, and learned that no they could not fly if they jumped off the roof holding umbrellas. How could she have forgotten? What was happening?

A whimper like someone in pain caused her to finally open her eyes. With her arms held tightly around her, she slowly got to her feet looking around expecting to see John behind her; instead, she found herself alone. Another whimper like the one before caught her attention and she followed it around the backside of the dilapidated shed. Seeing a small boy on the ground with his head laying on a rock she quickened her pace. Kneeling down next to the boy she gently turned him over so she could see if he was injured and screamed.

“No! No! This isn’t real-it-I-no-this isn’t real. Wake up Sarah please wake up,” Sarah mumbled frantically.

She stumbled back, rapidly opening and closing her eyes, pinching herself repeatedly, willing herself out of this nightmare. Before she could get away from the terrible vision in front of her, the boy moaned and started to stand up. She swallowed the scream bubbling up in her throat and froze in horror.

“John? Johnny?” She croaked.

The boy slowly came toward her, blood dripping down his face and into his eyes. “Why Sissy? Why did you do it? Didn’t you love me anymore?” The blood seemed to take on the shape of tears streaking his face in pain and death.

“What are you--what do you mean--I--you know I love you Johnny. You are my little brother.”

“Then why did you kill me?” He asked as he stared at her with accusing eyes.

Sarah felt her stomach drop and her vision blurred.

“Wh-what-I never….”

On her knees once, more gazing up at the image of her eight year old little brother dripping death onto her it all came back. They had been playing and Sarah was not feeling well. Her brother had been all energy that day and trying to placate him she had taken him outside to play. The first hour or so it had been fine but now she was tired and he was working her last nerve. She loved him she did but at thirteen she was getting tired of playing childish games.

She told him it was time to go back inside but he refused, begging for just five more minutes as he was always want to do. She knew better, five minutes more would stretch into all day if she allowed it. Chasing after him as he ran from her thinking it was another game she lost her patience. He ran to the shed, their safe zone for games like tag and hide and seek, thinking it would provide the same protection from having to end playtime. She would show him, she would drag him in kicking and screaming if she had to.

Finally catching up, she wrenched his arm off the door of the shed, ignoring his small cry of pain. He could be such a baby sometimes. Thinking he would know she was serious and stop fighting she started to drag him away only to have him fight. He kept screaming some nonsense about wanting to stay outside and play. Her head was pounding and she was pretty sure she had a fever. Done with his tantrum she turned and shoved him away from her shouting at him to grow up. He hit the ground with a sickening crack. After that, all she remembered was blood, tears, and begging.

“Why? All I wanted was to play with you. For you to love me enough to want to spend time with me. Why did you do this to me? All I ever did was love and adore you, you were my hero and you killed me.”

Sarah looked up at the macabre vision of her brother and felt herself shatter. Hadn’t she been with the twenty-year-old version of John not five minutes ago?

“I’m so so sorry--I never--I never meant to hurt you, Johnny, you have to know that. You have to know how much I love you--please!”

“No! You never loved me! You murdered me!”

“God no…please no….how could I do this to you? You were my baby brother I never meant…” Sobs chocked off whatever she had wanted to say.

She couldn’t do this, god she just couldn’t. Her vision blurred again and the far off beeping and whispering of her dreams filled her head drowning out her brother’s accusations of murder. Why was she hearing this now? Was she dreaming? God please let it be a dream. Suddenly, a pair of strong arms was wrapped around her.

“Sarah, I need you to hear me, follow those sounds. I need you to follow the whispers you hear. Answer them. It’s the only way to be free of this nightmare. Your guilt is trapping you here. You are the ‘her’ I am trying to save us from; your guilt is killing you.”

Forcing herself to look up she saw her grown up brother before her. Glancing to her side she could still see eight-year-old blood soaked John staring at her, condemning her. Looking back to the adult John holding her, all she saw was love and compassion.

“John what-“

“This is the dream Sarah, not the place you go to when you sleep, that is your reality and you need to get back to it. I am begging you. You have to let this guilt go. It was an accident Sarah, a horrible accident that you need to forgive yourself for; if you stay here we all die. You will die and my memory will die with you. Please save us both sis. Wake up.”

Sarah clung to John, her only lifeline in this horror. She felt him wipe her face and stroke her hair.

“How? How do I wake up?”

John smiled sadly at her and kissed her softly on the cheek. “Follow the voices. They are calling your name. Close your eyes and follow them.”

“What will happen to you?”

“I will be right here.” John softly pressed his hand to her chest above her heart.

Sarah slowly leaned her head against John’s chest listening for a heartbeat that never came. What she did hear was the beeping and the whispers of her name. She clung to them and followed them through an unseen thread in her mind.

“I love you.” She whispered, needing John to know how much he meant to her. Would always mean. Instead of hearing his voice echo the sentiment she heard a woman.

“Ms. Richardson? Can you hear me?”

Sarah tried to open her eyes but everything was too bright. All she could make out were shadows.

“Where?” Sarah’s voice rasped as if she had swallowed sandpaper.

“Get the doctor now. It’s good to see you awake Ms. Richardson. It’s been a few years since we last saw those pretty eyes focused and alert.”

Blinking up she could just make out the shape of a woman.

“John?” She asked.

“No Ms. Richardson I’m your nurse. The doctor is coming just try to relax.”

Sarah blinked up at the woman smiling down at her. What was going on? Her senses slowly started to return to her. Beeping, she could hear beeping, just like in her dreams. Only now, it wasn’t distant. It was sharp, almost piercing, and it was right next to her. Looking to her right she saw a monitor next to her bed. The beeping was in perfect tune with the rhythmic rushing of blood in her ears. Her heart, the beeping was her heart being monitored. She was in a hospital.

“Ms. Richardson?”

There was a man standing above her now in place of the nurse that had been there moments before.

“Ms. Richardson I need you to listen very closely. My name is Dr. Clark. I know you must be confused but I need you to pay close attention to what I am about to say. Can you do that for me?”

Sarah blinked owlishly at him and numbly nodded.

“You have been with us for almost four years and in that time you have been slipping in and out of catatonia. You have lucid moments but they have been less and less frequent over the last year or so. This is the first time you have been responsive in almost three months.”

Sarah looked over at the monitor again then glanced down at the stark white sheets covering her lap. “I killed Johnny.”

“You remember? That’s good Ms. Richardson, that’s a huge step. In your catatonic state you have been slipping into delusions. You have constructed a world where your brother is still alive. It’s not real, as much as you may want it to be. I know how hard it must be for you but….”

Sarah tuned him out. It was too bright here, too harsh, she wanted her brother. Where was John?

“I’m here sis.”

Snapping her head over toward the voice, she saw her little brother, eight years old and covered in blood, grinning from ear to ear.

She screamed.