Intimacy

Maxine wouldn’t settle down. She started with a gruff little yap just before six o’clock, after Riley got home from the office but before he turned on the shower. She growled in short bursts while Ana frantically chopped carrots and onions to throw in the pressure cooker. After the Holloways rang the doorbell, she whined and howled and snapped with barely a breath through dinner, the kitchen table board games, and into the post-dinner wine selection.

“She’s never liked strangers,” Riley said as the Holloways donned their coats. “Gets nervous. Sorry.”

The couple smiled at the eight-pound Maltese and waved away the apology. As soon as they closed the door, Riley let Maxine out of her pen before leaning against the adjacent wall and sinking to the tile floor.

“She’s anxious about something,” Ana said from the kitchen. She stood at the sink, wrist-deep in the soapy water. “Did you trim her nails last night?”

Riley rubbed his forehead and said nothing.

“That’s like two weeks,” Ana said.

I know, Riley thought. Add it to the list.

Ana scrubbed at the seared bits stuck to the pot as Riley cleared the dishes from the table.

“I was gonna wash these,” he said.

Ana kept her head down and said nothing. Riley found Ana’s nearly full wine glass next to the recliner and brought it to the counter beside the sink. Ana drained the last few drops of red without looking at Riley.

“Can you take her out?” she asked.

Riley nodded and tsked for Maxine’s attention. The little dog bounded over, sitting at Riley’s feet and staring at him with a quizzical expression. Riley guided her into the yard while he waited on the porch in the autumn chill as a pair of frenetic moths danced around the outdoor light. Riley watched two more join, occasionally bumping against their counterparts.

Maxine bounded up the porch steps, looked up at the moths, and barked once.

“Oh, shut it,” Riley said. “Daddy’s gonna put you to bed.”

After tucking Maxine in her pen, Riley shut off the lights and headed to the bathroom. Ana was leaving the shower. She gave Riley a tight smile as he scooted past to brush his teeth. He settled into bed as she switched off the overhead light and slid under the covers. They lay in darkness for a few moments, listening to the hum of the swaying fan overhead.

“Want to cuddle?” Riley whispered.

Ana didn’t reply for several seconds. “I’m tired.”

“‘Kay.” Riley turned left to face the wall. The covers shifted behind him, signaling the end of the conversation. Riley closed his eyes and took deep, slow breaths to clear his mind.

The covers moved again. Ana got up to use the bathroom, or refill her water, or something. Riley forced himself to focus on breathing, pulsing in a gentle rhythm. He had almost fallen asleep when he felt a soft hand caress his lower back, sliding around his hip and resting on his stomach. He opened his eyes.

“Ana?” he said. In response, the hand climbed to his chest, right above his heart, as Ana’s cool body pressed against his back. The act was so surprising, Riley nearly asked what she was doing.

No, he told himself. Enjoy this.

Ana’s arm slid under his as he put his hand over hers, fingertips brushing each other. His heartbeat sped at the first touch, but fell into a peaceful cadence as Ana’s knee grazed his thigh.

After a relaxing cuddle, he turned over to say goodnight. Ana lay on her side, swaddled in the covers.

The next morning, Riley muted the alarm and slid out of bed. Before he dressed for the gym, he walked around to Ana’s side and smiled when he saw her deep asleep, with a contented expression.

The chilly reality of a hectic office day smacked him in the face the moment he walked past reception. He regretted staying up past ten o’clock with the Holloways on a Thursday night. That concept had felt much more abstract when Brett had proffered a pinot noir with a Sommelier’s Association rating of nine point two. The conversations had been warm, the wine delicious and oaky, and the pleasure temporary.

“Gilly wants to talk to you,” Rhonda said from behind the desk.

“Why?” Riley asked, even though he already knew. “Never mind. His office?”

Rhonda nodded, her attention returned to her computer screen.

What followed was the most excruciating ten-minute meeting of Riley’s career. Gilly was sweaty and red-faced on the best of days, but today his coloring approached the blue-purple spectrum with every passing second. Gilly’s spit-filled tirade nearly blew Riley through the wall before he was dismissed to fix the mess he’d made on the Andersen Contractors file. Eight agonizing hours of reentering and reformatting data points from the same stack of printouts as yesterday felt like heaven in comparison. Well, not paradise. More like a waterboarding when the regular guy was on vacation and they brought in an intern to do the job.

When Riley arrived home before six o’clock, Maxine was already yelping her head off. Ana sat in a disheveled heap on the couch, her hair in a half-finished bun, staring numbly at the blank TV.

“Meetings,” she said without making eye contact. “Working remotely is rough some days. And our fur-daughter hasn’t shut up all day.”

Riley’s shoulders ached as he hung his keys on the rack next to the door. “Did you take her out?” he asked. He immediately regretted the question, anticipating the coming argument through the tension in his shoulders.

“Of course,” Ana replied.

Riley knew better than to say more.

They ate leftovers on paper plates while scrolling through half a dozen streaming services. After clearing her plate, Ana leapt to her feet and declared she was going to bed. Riley stopped in the kitchen to clear the breakfast dishes from the sink. Then he took Maxine out to the yard to do her business and found himself staring at the moths again. Only two tonight. The others had disappeared. What a novel, blissful experience that would be.

When Riley came inside, Ana was showered and in bed. Riley joined her and shut off the light, turning to face the wall in silence. Only a few moments passed before he felt a toe tickling the back of his foot.

“Ana?” he whispered.

“Ana,” she whispered back, imitating his voice as the covers rustled once more. Riley reached for her hand as she pulled him into a tight embrace. She wrapped her leg around his as they lay in the dark. Riley felt the slightest hint of spearmint breath on his neck; she must have used his toothpaste. She touched the top of his head and played with strands of his hair.

“I love you,” he said.

She snuggled closer. “I love you.”

Riley woke up with the sunrise, feeling happier than he had in months. Ana lay sprawled on her side. Today was a good day. No Gilly, no waterboarding, just a breezy Saturday in October with no social obligations.

Instead, they got into an argument at their favorite diner, something about politics. It was stupid, and Riley didn’t particularly care for the viewpoint he espoused. He wanted to consider every angle, which made him, what, insensitive? Compassionless? Calculating? Ana used at least two of those words on the drive home.

They took Maxine to a park to spend an hour wandering the paved pathways, barely speaking. On the way home, Riley mentioned a movie that piqued his interest.

“I’m not interested,” Ana said. “I mean, you can go if you want.”

So Riley went. As he sat in the dark theater, surrounded by dozens of moviegoers illuminated by the flashing scenes of a serial action flick, he felt the heavy weight of isolation on his shoulders. He thought about the touch, the closeness, the sensation of us he’d experienced cuddling the past two nights. He realized with a shock that he hadn’t felt such blissful intimacy in a long time. Months. Years? But Riley imagined he could feel Ana’s hand in his as it sat on the uncomfortable armrest of the thinly cushioned theater seat.

“How was the movie?” Ana asked later.

“Fine,” Riley said. “How are you?”

“I took a nap.”

They went to bed early that night, fed up with Maxine’s incessant barking. As Riley stood on the porch, his bones ached in a way that wasn’t about pain, or fatigue, or anything tangible. He wanted that connection again.

“Cuddle?” he asked Ana as they settled into bed.

“Hmm,” she replied, barely above a whisper. So Riley turned on his side and waited for Ana to slide behind him. She did so, brushing his chest hair in soft strokes as Riley leaned against her.

“Cuddle,” she whispered, and Riley nodded in the dark. Then she wrapped her leg around his again, and Riley’s heart began to race. Soon they were making love, and the connection Riley craved burst to life, renewed and strengthened with every kiss and caress. They were newlyweds again, savoring each moment for the first time in the blessed darkness.

Riley rolled to the middle and smiled at where Ana lay on his side. But no, she was already on her side of the bed, staring at the ceiling, breathing in heavy gasps.

“That was…” Ana stopped mid-sentence as she registered Riley’s presence on her left. “Wait.”

Riley looked back to his side, to the familiar impression he always left on the sheets. “Weren’t you…?” he asked, unable to complete the thought.

Ana clutched the covers to her chin and sat up. “Maybe I’m disoriented,” she said, “but I thought you were over here.”

“What?”

Ana pressed a hand to her chest as she tried to catch her breath. “Yeah, definitely,” she said. “I was lying here, and then you came over…”

She trailed off, leaving them in silence as Riley processed her words.

“No,” he said. “You came over to me, like you did last night. The last two nights.”

Ana scooted to her bedside table and turned on the lamp, revealing tangled hair and rumpled sheets. “Riley,” she said, “you’re the one who’s been coming to my side to cuddle.”

“Are we really gonna fight about this?” Riley asked. “Look. On, um, Thursday night, I asked if you wanted to cuddle. You said no.”

“Right,” Ana said. “So I turned over to sleep.”

“So did I.”

“And then you spooned me,” Ana said.

Riley blinked. “No, honey. You spooned me.”

They stared at each other, wide-eyed, hearts pounding. Then they looked down at the two-foot space between them on the king-size mattress. Riley knew he hadn’t crossed this threshold as surely as he knew his own name, as surely as he knew his own wife…

He met Ana’s eyes. They were beautiful, wide, frightened.

“Did we…?” Riley cleared his throat. “Did I…?”

Ana nodded in slow motion. “I…me too.”

“But it wasn’t…” Riley didn’t dare finish.

As one, Riley and Ana moved towards each other. Riley reached with a tentative hand; Ana too before recoiling as if shocked.

A soft hand caressed Riley’s lower back, sliding around his hip and resting on his stomach. He lowered his arm and gazed into Ana’s gorgeous eyes.

“Good night,” he said. Then he rolled over to face the wall. A moment later, rustling covers were followed by a click as Ana extinguished her bedside lamp. Riley stared at the wall as a cool body pressed against his back.

From the living room, Maxine whimpered.