Horror Movie Survival Guide

So you’re in a horror movie scenario or you’re not sure if you are in one. It happens. Not to everyone, but it happens. And let me guess - you Googled something along the lines of “how to survive horror?”

But don’t worry, I got you. I’ve compiled both a how to survive and how to tell if you’re in this scenario. Keep this with you. Because you never know. You could find yourself here again.

How to Tell

Let’s start with how to tell if you’re in a horror movie. It’s better to be sure and then prepare. (Although, if you’re absolutely sure, skip to the survival part.)

1. Pay attention to the music. Every single movie, regardless of genre, has a soundtrack. And like other genres, horror has certain music that gives you the hint which genre you’re in. Does the music sound ominous? Tense? Did it start off softly and gradually got louder? If you answered yes to any of these questions, there is a good chance that you’re in a pickle.
2. The house or apartment is making strange noises. There are certain everyday sounds a house or apartment makes that aren’t concerning. And you’ll know these sounds. However, if you hear something that usually isn’t there, then there’s a possibility that you’re in a horror movie. If you’re a skeptic, you might want to check it out. I don’t blame you; I’m the same way. Just don’t, though. Give yourself a head start.
3. The monster seems to keep up with you, even if it doesn’t run. In Halloween, Michael Meyers is always right behind his victims. He even seems to get ahead sometimes. There’s really nothing I can tell you to be prepared for this; it’s just a fact.
4. Your kid(s) and/or pet(s) are acting strangely. It’s pretty well-known that children and pets can see things that adults can’t, so, you know, pay attention. Also, pay extra attention to your children, if you have any. Those little buggers can get easily possessed.
5. You were warned about a town or a certain location in said town. The locals, natives, old man, whoever warned you would know best. It is wise to heed their warnings. If it was about the town as a whole, get the hell out of there ASAP. That is, if you can. If it was about a certain location, for the love of all things good DO NOT GO THERE. That shit can follow you ANYWHERE.
6. An inanimate object starts moving, speaking, or other spooky stuff it shouldn’t be doing. This goes especially for dolls and other toys. Just don’t throw it out - it WILL come back to you. Trust me on this.
7. The car battery died, or the car otherwise won’t start. The best way to combat this is to constantly make sure the battery is charged and up-to-date, and your tank is always full. The second best option is to have a bike ready at all times. That way, at least you’ll have transportation.

How to Survive

Now that you’re sure that you’re in a horror movie, let’s discuss how to survive this. Many of these tips may seem obvious, but fear does weird things to your head. Keep this on you in case your brain is going haywire.

1. There’s strength in numbers. Right off the bat, this seems like a no-brainer. It’s possible that you’ll forget that you need to stay with your group. Some may die, but if everyone just stays together, most of you will hopefully make it out alive.
2. If you ARE going to split with the group, take someone with you. Maybe you just need to use the bathroom. Perhaps you need to go on a supply run. If you end up having to split, take someone with you. Four eyes are better than two. And if it comes to it, you can use your buddy as a human shield.
3. Invest in non-firearm weapons. Even if you’re not in a zombie flick setting, anything that isn’t a firearm will help you so much. If you fire a gun and seemingly kill that being, either no you didn’t or a stronger, more evil buddy of the beast could emerge from the shadows.
4. Whatever you do, don’t go up. Unless you have an actual escape route if you end up going up. If you don’t, then make sure you say your last goodbyes. There’s literally no way to escape that thing. So, you know, good luck.
5. Dump the person suggesting splitting up the group. Refer to rule number one. If he wants to do so that badly, let him go by himself. He is, without a doubt, going to get the entire group killed. The ideal goal is to leave with everyone alive. If you happen to be that guy, just do everyone a favor and sacrifice yourself.
6. Don’t have sex. On that note, don’t do anything remotely sexual or romantic. No hand holding, no kissing, and especially no penetration. Now, I’m not saying breaking up with your significant other; I’m saying be careful. Don’t be the couple who gets murdered.
7. Listen to your pet or child. Pets and children can more easily sense something evil, otherworldly, whatever. So if they’re acting strange or different, please do yourself and your family a favor and get the hell out of the house.
8. If something is abandoned, there’s probably a good reason. You know the trope - every abandoned place is creepy as hell. Yeah, there’s a good reason for that. Warehouses, churches, apartment buildings. If it’s completely empty, just turn around. It’s not worth it.
9. Wear sensible shoes. Again, this may be a no-brainer, but fear really does do things to your head. I mean, you’ll have to run. There’s no way around it.
10. Wear sensible clothes. Bouncing off the last rule, it just makes sense. It’ll help you in the long run.
11. If you think the villain is dead, don’t go and check. Maybe it really is dead. Maybe it isn’t. If you go to check, you’re dead meat. Probably. Just keep walking.
12. Cut your hair short. Long hair makes it easier for the killer to more easily grab you. If you can’t part with your hair, no worries. Just find a way to contain it. A hat of some kind, perhaps. A bun, maybe.
13. Unexplained occurrences? Leave. Sure, the presence may not be dangerous. But you are in a horror movie, so obviously you’re in massive danger. Get out as soon as possible. If you want to pack, just take only what you need. No more, no less.
14. Don’t bury your pet, child, wife, etc, in that strange cemetery. You’ve seen Pet Semetary, right?
15. And finally, don’t buy or build a house on top of dead bodies. Context DOES NOT matter. There have been too many examples of bad shit happening.

So here’s your survival guide. I will say, though, that this won’t necessarily guarantee your safety, but it does greatly increase it.