Haunted-Mounted

Omg, this was wild 😂. I swear, every group of friends has that one person (Henry, in this case) who's all like, "Shhh! Stay quiet!" and you just wanna scream at them. Ava is literally me in every scary situation, just trying to get out of there with as much dignity as possible. But seriously, the ending—Ava screaming and falling? That was straight-up a jump scare in written form, I did not see that coming. What’s up with the cookies tho? Like, what kind of evil entity needs cookies that badly? 😂

Ooooh so that’s why their flashlights were turned off. I like how the story is progressing, and how we got pulled into their conversation from the start. Bella the annoying one, ugh!! Ava is hilarious ‘my flashlight has betrayed me too’ 😂 I like how Ava’s personality was just obnoxious, but Bella’s annoying. Made me wonder which of them was going to go down first. The end leaves me wondering what and who that was. Seems to be a passionate cookie lover. 👏🏽♥️🤗

Forgot to say congrats on Leaderboard!!

The creepy cookie-wanting kid…and what is happening with Ava??

I'm a horror fan and you've done a fine job with your first. Looking forward to reading the next one. And now I want cookkies.

Very cool that you’re getting into horror, and giving the genre a shot! This is a solid first foray into the genre, so good job! I think one of the strengths here is your dialogue when the friends are ribbing each other— the banter makes their friendship feel authentic and believable. There were a few words here and there during moments of tension which didn’t feel quite natural to me. One example would be the “my flashlight has betrayed me too”. I actually like the feeling there, like the tech failure is almost personal, But it doesn’t sound like something I’d imagine someone actually saying in a moment of terror. Another strength in your story telling was the creep factor. Little kids voices in the dark— that’s unsettling for sure. Good job with that, I also liked how the voice got more aggressive and violent. If you’re not very familiar with the genre, it’s probably worth mentioning that some of the elements of your story may seem cliche or even tropey to people who are avid horror readers. It doesn’t mean your story won’t be fun for most people, but people who are big on horror might be a little underwhelmed by reading things they’ve seen done before. As an avid horror reader myself, two things that felt cliche to me were friends going into a haunted mansion, and their flashlights not working. Knowing that this is your first time writing horror, these plot points didn’t ruin the story for me, but they didn’t necessarily ramp up the fear factor, because they’re common plot devices in the genre. The only specific recommendation I have in terms of critical feedback might be to move or rework some of the exposition. The first bit that went into italics, where you’re talking about the house being the subject of spooky rumors, and the following paragraph about how and why they chose the assignment sort of interrupts the flow of the story and breaks the tension of them crashing into the dark, creepy house. I think that scene would have been more effective if the flow was tweaked a bit, probably if the exposition came sooner in the story, as a sort of introduction. And all this being said, I absolutely HATE writing exposition, I never know how to put it in where it feels natural and doesn’t interrupt the story. Anyway, my critique is just one opinion, so take it with a grain of salt, or reject it entirely :) Glad to see you writing horror, definitely gonna check out part 2!

Wooohooooo congratulations on your Leaderboard placement! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊

I agree with Will, what about those damn cookies? And Ava's a goner. You're doing a good job got my attention

I want to know about those damn cookies. And I’m not holding out much hope for Ava

The suspense and fear of exploring a haunted mansion. The vivid and authentic character interactions create an immersive and chilling experience. Wonderfully written.

Good job Maryam. I'm not a big horror reader but you held the suspense well. I liked the format you used almost like a transcript, I think that really helps. The use of 'duck' is also good. 😉

I can hear the voice so clearly…spooky. Part two is gonna be very interesting! The characters are funny with how they interact.

Love the cliffhanger at the end, Maryam. Very well done.

This was a chaotic rollercoaster of terror and sass! From Ava’s Hogwarts dreams to Henry’s endless “Shh!” routine. This mix of humor and horror is absolutely chef's kiss.

I have to admit I don't like horror much. I watched the Stepford wives and it creeped me out. Wonderful writing - horror is just not for me- it gives me nightmares. Well Done!!!

This was really very good!!! Give me more, Maryam. Excellent work!

I will stick!

Woah, turns out, Evil Dead Rise had a powerful effect on you to write this, haha 😂 Good Job. Although, I don't like hOrrOr stuff but I am excited to read part 2 👍

Interesting! Your first horror story is truly amazing. Professor Dave's haunted-mounted project seems unique and mysterious. The old mansion, the strange and eerie voices of the girl, and the way the sounds become increasingly aggressive and creepy each time, such a brilliant twist. Perhaps Eva saw that horrifying child, which scared her and left her in a terrible state. 😀😀 I'm curious to see what happens next with all four of them! Great beginning! ✨🤝🙌

Omggggg Bella is soooo me because I hate kids too hahahahaha. But I gotta admit, that kid voice asking mommy for cookies as some creepy shit! I'd have fainted and died hahahahahaha. Can't wait for part 2!