First in My Heart

Samantha looked out the kitchen window and shivered. She loved the view of the lake, but the way the water roiled when a storm was coming in made her marrow cold. She thought about pulling on a thicker sweater, but decided to stick with the soft green cashmere she’d chosen. Tim said it brought out her eyes. She smiled and turned away from the churning waves outside. Tim would be here soon and she needed to focus on getting ready.

“Hey sweetie!” she called up the stairs to Hanna’s room. “How’s it going up there?”

“Good, Mommy! I’m almost ready! Be down soon!”

“Ok! Let me know if you need anything!”

Samantha stood still for a moment, looking upstairs with the same expression as when she’d been looking out at the lake. She took a deep breath, wrapped her arms around herself, and headed back into the kitchen.

She was checking the temperature on the chicken when she heard the soft feet of her eight year old behind her on the stone floor. She made sure the bird didn’t have to go back in, then turned to look at her daughter. Tonight Hanna was wearing a favorite sweater, one with a sequined narwhal on the front that changed colors when you ran your hand in different directions over the shiny plastic discs. She’d paired it with orange plaid leggings that had been a staple in her wardrobe since they’d found them at Target last Halloween. It was so delightfully, perfectly Hanna. Samantha grinned.

“You look wonderful, sweetie!”

“I wanted to look nice.”

“I appreciate that. Tim is very excited to meet you.”

“I don’t know if I’m excited to meet him.”

“I get it. It’s awkward, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I wouldn’t be introducing you to him if I didn’t think he was worth introducing. I’ve spent a lot of time with him and I think he’s very special. I like him a lot. I hope you do too.”

“I know. You’ve said all that. But I’m not so convinced about what happens if I don’t like him.”

Samantha laughed. “We will figure that out together. You’re my baby girl no matter what. First in my heart!”

Hanna smiled one of her deep, warm smiles that made Samantha feel whole again, faced her mom, and took both of Samantha’s hands in hers. “First in my heart too.”

They stood in the moment for a couple breaths, before Hanna’s smile faded and she asked, “Is Tim second in your heart?”

Samantha was surprised but tried not to show it. “I guess, maybe, he is.” He thinks so sometimes, she thought.

A shadow crossed behind Hanna’s big eyes. “What about Daddy?”

Samantha thought about grabbing that thicker sweater after all. “Daddy…”

The doorbell rang. In unison, they turned their heads toward the front of the house.

“I still wish that was Daddy at the door,” whispered Hanna.

“Me too,” said Samantha. After a few moments the doorbell rang again, and she shook them out their tableau. “Let’s go greet our guest!”

Hanna smiled and ran to the door, managing to stop just before hitting the heavy oak panel at full speed. She turned to her mom and asked, “Can I open it?”

Samantha looked from her daughter to the glass windows in the top third of the door. Through the triple panes she could see Tim smiling at her, and the top of a beautiful bouquet. He looks like he’s in a good mood, she thought with relief. She smiled back, and told her daughter to go ahead and open the door.

Hanna whipped the door open like Santa Claus was on the other side. Her next sentence, which Samantha had heard her rehearsing in her room, came out all in one breath.

“HELLO AND WELCOME I AM HANNA I AM PLEASED TO MEET YOU WELCOME TO OUR HOME!”

Tim laughed at the enthusiastic welcome. “Hi Hanna, I’m Tim. I’ve heard wonderful things about you from your mom. Thank you for inviting me over for dinner. These are for you!” Tim handed Hanna the bouquet.

Hanna took the bouquet, her eyes wide and unblinking. She cradled it in both arms, and walked gingerly back toward the kitchen without a single word.

Tim’s forehead creased. “What was that?”

“I think she’s in shock. She’s never gotten flowers before. That was very sweet. Hello, by the way,” Samantha said, leaning in for a kiss. They lingered in their embrace until a chilly wind blew past them and into the house.

“Let’s close the door! I don’t want you catching a chill,” said Tim.

“Oh yes, I’d hate for Hanna to get sick.”

“Ah, yes, uh, of course. Either of you.” He frowned down at his hands, rubbing them against one another. Then he took a deep breath and smiled widely as they both turned to walk to the kitchen.

In the kitchen, Hanna was carefully arranging her flowers, stem by stem, in a pitcher of water. She was so focused on her task she didn’t even acknowledge them as they entered the room. Samantha smiled and shook her head, happy that her daughter was so taken with the simple gift. She felt a knot of muscles in her shoulders uncoil a little, and took a deep breath. Then she turned to start carving the chicken.

Samantha was reaching up to open the top cabinet for a cutting board when Tim touched her lightly on her back, stepping in close behind her. “Allow me, pretty lady,” he said with a flirty grin as he reached past her into the cabinet. He turned so he had to press his body against hers to pull the cutting board out.

“Tim! Not in front of Hanna please,” Samantha said, shrugging him away.

“C’mon, she’s not looking,” Tim murmured as he nuzzled her ear. Focused on getting his mouth back against her skin, Tim yanked on the thick wooden board without looking. The muffin tin sitting beside the board slid forward as well, and clattered to the stone floor just as Tim planted a kiss on her neck.

Across the kitchen, Hanna’s pitcher imploded into razor-sharp slivers, shredding the flowers inside. For a moment the water hovered in the shape of the pitcher, the constellation of shimmering glass and ravaged greenery floating peacefully. Then the water collapsed onto the floor, leaving a wet pile of shards and the ruined flowers in a pile on the table. “No!” Hanna screamed, grabbing fistfuls of her hair and crumbling into a fetal position on her chair.

Samantha ran to her, a constant stream of reassuring sounds falling out of her mouth while she tried to inspect Hanna for cuts or other injuries. Tim grabbed some paper towels and stood behind Samantha, ready to assist. Hanna kept screaming, and rocking back and forth. Finally satisfied that Hanna had no physical injuries, Samantha sat on the floor and pulled her child into her lap, wrapping her arms tightly around her, and sang the lullabye she’d sung to Hanna since the day she’d come home from the hospital. Tim stood, uncertain of what to do for a few minutes, and then started cleaning up the flowers and the glass. After a few minutes, Hanna stopped screaming. Tim pitched his clean-up efforts into the garbage, looked at them stoically, and took the chicken out to the dining table.

“You ok, sweetie?”

“I got scared.”

“I know. It was an accident. Just an accident. They happen. What’s important is that you weren’t hurt.”

Hanna nodded slowly.

“Let’s go eat dinner.” They walked to the dining room arm in arm.

Tim looked up as they walked in. “Hey there. Everyone okay?”

“I’m sorry about the nice flowers you got me,” Hanna said, looking heartbroken.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. Besides, it’s not like that was your fault. Must have been an old pitcher, huh? All I can think is that the sound of the muffin tin falling resonated on just the right frequency to make some flaw in the glass just…” Tim mimed an explosion with both hands. “Or… I have no idea. I’ve never seen anything like that in my life. I’m glad you weren’t hurt.”

Hanna sat in her chair, staring at her lap. Samantha squeezed her shoulder, sat down between them, and started serving up plates.

“Tim, what was that project at work you were telling me about? Something about adding more characters to something?” Samantha made her tone overly confused and playful to get Hanna’s attention. “I can’t seem to remember what they’re called…. Shiny Learning Place Acquaintances? Rainbow Heart Detention Center Pals? Neon Princess Kindergarten Frenemies?”

“Mommy! Glitter High School Best Friends 4 Life!” Hanna was giggling.

“Right! That’s it! Tim, didn’t you say something about that?”

“Yes! There are going to be new students in the fall!”

“What… For real?” Hanna was awestruck.

“Yes, but it’s a big secret at HQ, so don’t tell your friends.”

“I won’t. But how do you know?”

“I work at the company that makes Glitter HS BF 4Ls.”

“You are the coolest ever. Tell me everything!”

Tim started doing his marketing plan for the new doll line. Hanna was enthralled even though it wasn’t exactly kid-oriented. Samantha watched the two of them talk animatedly about their shared love for the fashion doll universe with relief. She had been deeply concerned about this meeting, which was why she’d put it off for almost six months. As they continued to discuss the different characters and their strengths and weaknesses and dramas, she let her eyes wander out the window to the lake. The storm had started in earnest, and the rapid patter of raindrops made the water look like a woven blanket.

“Wouldn’t that be nice, Samantha?”

“Hmm?”

“I was saying to Hanna that when the new line of dolls was launched, I was thinking of taking you away for a special weekend, so just the two of us could have some time together. And we’d make sure she had all the new dolls at her Grandma’s to keep her busy while we were gone.”

Samantha looked at him, thunderstruck. They had discussed a weekend away but she had made it clear that tonight was not the night to bring it up with Hanna. She’d spent a lot of time explaining how afraid Hanna was of being left behind, and that she would need time to help her daughter understand and accept the idea.

“May I speak to you in the kitchen, Tim?”

“Mommy? Would you really go away and leave me?”

Samantha shot Tim a glare before turning to her child, who was once again pulling in on herself. Her long plaid legs folded up into her chest, flipping some of the sequins on her sweater over. Her thin arms wrapped around herself, and she buried her face into her knees. “I mean, I understand if you want to,” came a small voice from the Hanna cocoon.

Samantha pulled both their chairs away from the table and turned them until they were facing each other. She wrapped her arms around her daughter, feeling the vibrations as her daughter started to cry. “I am never going to go away and leave you. Never. Never ever. Do you hear me? No matter what. You are first in my heart, forever and always. I love you and I’m not going anywhere.”

Hanna tilted her tear-streaked face up at her mom. Samantha repeated everything, looking her daughter in the eyes and stroking her face. At last Hanna climbed into Samantha’s lap and collapsed against her in a forceful hug. They sat, looking out over the lake, with Samantha rubbing Hanna’s back, until every tear was dry and all the hiccups had stopped. Samantha kissed Hanna on top of the head and said, “I’m going to go into the kitchen and get you a cool cloth for your face. Tim, will you join me please? We will be back in a couple of minutes, sweetie.”

In the kitchen, Samantha took a deep breath to steel herself. She’d learned that Tim’s temper was unpredictable. Trying to keep her voice neutral, she turned to Tim. “I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to bring up the trip tonight.”

Tim snapped back. “First in your heart, huh?”

“Excuse me?”

“You told her she’d always be first in your heart.”

“Yes. And?”

“And what about me? I thought you loved me! I thought we were planning a future together! Am I just always gonna be second fiddle to your kid? Are my needs always gonna come after hers?”

“I can’t believe you! Are you serious!”

Tim narrowed his eyes and rushed at her. His hands closed around her neck, and he shoved her backward until her back hit the cabinet hard enough to rattle the dishes inside. “If she’s first, then by definition I have to be second! So is that what I get to look forward to, what happened in the dining room? I wanna do something and I get overruled because an eight year old kid has a temper tantrum?”

Samantha was trying to pull his hands free from her neck but they wouldn’t budge. With a shuddering breath, she said “Let me go, Tim, please!”

“You know what, I think maybe I will. Maybe we should end this right now. If your kid is that spoiled she must have learned it somewhere, you selfish bitch.” He released her with disgust, shoving her to the floor.

Panting and clutching her neck protectively, Samantha looked up at Tim with rage in her eyes. “Get the fuck out of my house.”

“You should have told me on our first date I was never going to rate better than second - ”

Tim’s jaw snapped shut, and his lips pursed together in a stern straight line. He stood up straight and tall, and was perfectly still. He looked like a displeased nun, except that his irises were ringed with white, and his nostrils flared on each staccato inhale. Suddenly there was a muffled crack from inside his mouth, and his face contorted into a mask of pain as a tortured moan echoed from his throat.

A bulge appeared in the center of his top lip, no wider than a fingertip. The bulge moved left and right in short jerky motions, and each time Tim let out another keen of anguish through his sealed lips. Finally, the bulge started to break through the surface of his skin, allowing a small rivulet of blood to trickle down his paralyzed face. Then something flew out through the hole in Tim’s lip, bouncing on the floor. Samantha, trembling, stepped forward and picked it up.

It was the bottom half of Tim’s front tooth.

“Don’t hurt my mommy.” Hanna walked over from the doorway to the dining room to face Tim. “You are not the coolest ever. You are awful for making my mommy upset. She doesn’t want you here anymore and neither do I. Go away.”

Tim flopped to the ground as if he’d been dropped. He clutched at his face and looked at Hanna in terror. Samantha grabbed a plastic baggie and put his broken tooth in it. Then she hauled him up off her kitchen floor and guided him to the front door.

“Here. Take this to a dentist. Maybe they can put it back together for you. You are a class- A asshole, grinding your jaw so hard about something so immature that you snapped off your own tooth. Drive safely. Or not.” She slammed the door behind him, fell back against it, and slid down to sit on the ground. She closed her eyes and tried to catch her breath for what felt like hours.

Finally, Hanna came around the corner, looking sheepish. She was holding something behind her back. “I’m sorry Mommy. I was so mad at him. I didn’t want him to hurt you. It was an accident that I broke him. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t. I just wanted to scare him. But I can fix him I bet. Look what I did to the vase.” Hanna slowly pulled her hands from behind her back. The countless shards of glass had been reassembled into a gorgeous mosaic pitcher. It caught the light from above the front door and hundreds of tiny rainbows lit up the foyer floor. Samantha inhaled sharply, and then let out a sob. Hanna set the pitcher down and ran to her as she cried.

When Samantha got ahold of herself again, Hanna looked at her with big sad eyes. “Do you want him back, Mommy? I can try to fix him.”

“No, sweetie, I don’t. There’s more broken with him than just what you did to his tooth. But thank you. You know, Daddy would have been really proud of you tonight, protecting me like that.”

“I like that. I like to think he’s proud of me. I’m glad I can protect you, even if what I can do is scary sometimes. I wish I could have protected Daddy.”

“There’s not much anyone could have done to save Daddy or any of the people on his boat.”

They sat and held each other for a while.

“Mommy?”

“Yeah sweetie?”

Hanna’s eyes were focused far away in the distance. “What if I could fix Daddy?”

“I don’t think that’s possible, sweetie. I love you for wanting to, but Daddy’s not a thing you can put back together. People don’t work like that my love, I’m sorry.”

“I think… I think that for me, maybe … maybe they do work like that, Mommy.” Hanna’s eyes finally refocused onto Samantha’s face. “I’m going to go change my outfit. And throw away my Glitter HS BF 4Ls.”

Samantha watched her go upstairs, then let her head fall back against the front door. She was worried about Hanna. She was going to have to keep an eye on Tim. He knew what Hanna could do and that made him dangerous. She thought about the gun in the safe in her bedroom. She’d do what she had to. She closed her eyes and for a moment wished Hanna could bring Steve back.

The knock on the door behind her resonated through her skull and down through her spine.

From upstairs, Hanna yelled happily. “Mommy, answer the door! Daddy’s home!”