Ear Worms

I need help. Something is starting to hijack me. I started losing time a few months ago. At first, it was just a minute here or there—something I could chalk up to just being distracted. I gradually started losing more time. It was almost unnoticeable.  When I lost my first 30 minutes I was driving to work in the morning. I know I didn’t fall asleep, because my commute is only 15 minutes and I woke back up (I guess that’s what I can call it?) sitting at my desk typing. Everyone around me told me that I had said hello, sat down, and just started working. Like always do.

I am starting to lose more and more of time. I have to finish writing this while I’m still aware and well...me. I think I’m okay for now, since it’s night and the hijacking always seems to be worse in the morning.

It’s all sort of fuzzy now, but I can at least tell you what I can remember. 

About six months ago I went to a friend’s birthday being held at the lake near our town. It was a big deal since she was officially leaving her twenties behind and joining the rest of us in our this-isn’t-where-I-thought-I’d-be-at-this-point-thirties.  I had my bathing suit, Chrissy’s gift, and was ready to forget about work for a while and just enjoy myself.

When I arrived I heard the music and then a really shrill voice yelling, “AMBER!”

Good, Chrissy was already way too drunk. I smiled and opened my arms for the hug that I knew was coming and prepared to hold up Chrissy’s weight as it looked like she was about to topple over.

“Hey there birthday girl. It looks like you’re having a great time.”

“Mhmm. And guess what?” Chrissy asked, her lips spreading into a lopsided grin while she managed to miraculously not spill the drink she was holding in her hand on me.

I knew that grin. That was the grin Chrissy had before she convinced all of us to go skinny dipping at camp in 6th grade and then stole all of our clothes. The same grin when she decided to swap the creamer in the teacher’s lounge with Bailey’s in high school. The grin that came out before she would push one us into a group of guys at a bar that she wanted to talk to. It was the classic Chrissy grin and I knew it couldn’t lead to anything good—fun, but not good.

Before I could respond Chrissy shoved the drink she was holding towards me, urging me to grab it.

“Drink! You’ll love it. I swear.” She managed to drag out the word love until it seemed to blend with rest of the sentence.

I looked in the cup as I started walking her back towards the rest of our friends and understood why she hadn’t spilled any of it. It was a slushee. I brought it up to my nose to give it a quick smell. It actually smelled delicious. I took a tentative sip while Chrissy stared at me instead of where she was walking. As soon as I did, she smiled and started skipping back towards everyone.

“Guys, Chrissy’s here and she loves our new cocktail!”

I heard a chorus of shouts, heys, and woos as I walked towards my friends with a smile and thought that tonight was going to be fun.

—————————-

The next thing I knew I was waking up on the dock with a massive hangover, which was weird because I only really remembered having that one cup. I guess it was stronger than I realized which would make sense since Chrissy probably made it. My head felt like it was splitting apart and my body ached because thirty-something year olds can’t sleep on hard wood and get up feeling okay the next morning. As I stood the world spun around me and it took a while for things to settle down. As I made my way towards the cabin I found it odd that my friends let me sleep outside, but maybe everyone was as messed up as I apparently got last night.

When I opened the door to the cabin the smell of bacon and pancakes enveloped me. My stomach grumbled and I instinctively walked towards the smell feeling like I could simultaneously eat everything in the hopefully fully stocked kitchen and also throw it all back up. As I turned the corner I was hoping that my friends had set aside food for me and some Advil. I smiled when I saw the overflowing plate waiting for me on the counter. Chrissy turned around, beaming with a steaming coffee mug held between her hands.

“Hi Amber—I’m so glad to see you! You look like a mess.  Where have you been?” Chrissy was always one for avoiding subtly.

“Thanks.” I said flatly. “I woke up on the dock this morning and my head is killing me.”

“Here, eat. You’ll feel so much better after you do.” Amber pushed the plate towards me and I gratefully sat down and started stuffing my face.

Before I even finished swallowing my first bite I realized that the pain I had woken up with was already easing.

“Thanks so much, Chrissy. This is amazing. Where is everyone else?”

“Of course, Amber. You know I couldn’t leave you feeling sick all morning.” The smile Chrissy had on her face was a bit too much. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what the issue was, but she seemed weird.

“And everyone woke up early to go hiking. Can you believe it? After last night they still managed to get up before sunrise.” Chrissy laughed and I dismissed my feelings about her smile. It was probably just residual brain fog from my hangover.

“About last night, I don’t really remember a lot of it...”

“I’m not surprised. I think you drank enough for all of us and then you just disappeared at the end of the night. I mean, we all had a bit too much to drink, but I’ve never seen you like that.”

I guess the stress from work recently had been getting to me more than I had realized. I finished eating, thanked Chrissy, and went to the room I should have slept in last night to shower.

The water felt amazing and as the shower filled with steam I tried to remember everything that I happened, but what I was remembering didn’t seem to make sense. Everything got fuzzy just a few minutes after the first of that drink Chrissy gave me. That didn’t make sense. I mean, I maybe a lightweight but that is just ridiculous. There were flashes of a fire, dancing, a split open rotting log crawling with bugs that had too many legs, being held down, someone yelling to calm down, and then blackness until this morning. I shook my head and turned off the water, sure that I was just mixing up last night’s party with drunken dreams.

I stepped out of the shower feeling cleaner, if not 100 percent and wrapped a towel around myself. As I went to open the bathroom door I felt a sharp pain at the base of my head that caused me to involuntarily yell out and fall to my knees. I grabbed the back of my neck and was surprised at the heat emanating off of my skin. Maybe I had run the water too hot. I was surprised Chrissy didn’t come ask if I was okay since I could hear her humming down the hall and I was sure she heard me yell.

—————

About a month after that weekend is when I started realizing that things were getting weird. I went to the doctor, who sent me to a specialist, who sent me to a colleague, who ran test of test that came back negative. According to them I was healthy, although I should start taking vitamins and avoid eating so much fried food. One of them also very subtly suggested that perhaps I was pregnant and when I emphatically told them that it was impossible they followed up with the recommendation that I should maybe try to find a man. So, obviously I am never going back to them again.

I felt reassured after seeing so many different doctors and undergoing a battery of tests that I was healthy, but something still didn’t sit right. My body seemed to have shifted temperature. I hated feeling hot now and mostly took cold showers. I kept air conditioning in my apartment was constantly running and I was currently in a war with some of my colleagues who kept turning the thermostat up at work. It felt unbearable now to feel even slightly warm, which was the exact opposite of how I was. I also started to hate eating warm food, whether it was pizza, steak, or soup. I started ordering pizza 30 minutes before I knew I was going to eat just so I could put a few slices in the freezer for dinner.

Then I started to lose time. I would be in the grocery store shopping and then wake up at home on the sofa with a bowl of ice cream and Netflix. Or I would be in the bathroom at work and then suddenly wake back up at my desk, worried that maybe I had accidentally gone to the bathroom in my seat and somehow fallen asleep and had a “pee dream.” I didn’t—I know because I checked each time and my pants were dry and the same ones I had worn that morning.

As time progressed, I sometimes felt like I was having someone else’s thoughts. Almost like someone was whispering how they were feeling or what they were thinking. This wasn’t like a conversation with myself where I debated between the blue blouse or white blouse in the morning, but someone else’s actually thoughts. And I realized at one point that I started really listening to it. It would suggest a movie on Netflix and I would mindless start watching it. Or it would start whispering about running the red light and I would do that too. It’s been getting worse and more violent and I know this isn’t me. I need help.

The other night I woke up suddenly, covered in sweat. I thought I felt something inside of my ear. Maybe it was my cat’s hair—that’s happened before and it sounded and felt similar. I knew I wasn’t going to go back to sleep without figuring out what it was and getting it out, so I groggily walked to the bathroom with my head tilted down in the hopes that gravity would help get whatever was in my ear out. I grabbed a Q-tip (and yes, I know you’re not supposed to just start shoving things in your ear) and started gently feeling my way around. At some point, I felt like something pushed back against the Q-tip. Not that I met a blockage, but that something physically pushed the Q-tip away.

The rustling sound in my ear started getting more constant and I could feel something moving. I tried to stay calm but between everything that had been happening recently and now this, I don’t know how I managed. I ran to my bedside table to grab my phone and hoped that maybe whatever it was in my ear was close enough that I could get a video of it. I turned on the light on my phone, opened up the camera app and hit record. I brought the phone around my head and used the mirrors in my bathroom to get the right angle. As soon as I had a straight shot, I thought I saw something black pull back into my ear. I dropped the phone in shock and honestly, I had a meltdown. I grabbed more Q-tips, alcohol, I filled my tub full of water and dunked my head in it. Nothing helped got whatever it was out, but the rustling eventually stopped.

When I had calmed down enough, I got up the courage to watch the video. I hit play and held my breath. As soon as I got to the part where the camera had a straight shot, I got ready to hit pause. It all went so quickly and I had half a second to hit pause since I dropped my phone and everything went blurry. I hated myself, but I took me 5 tries to pause it at the right point. But I saw it.

It looked shiny, like an earthworm and had the same ringed texture. The end that was sticking out was bluntly pointed and had a blue-black coloring. I don’t know how long it is. I’m not sure what it’s doing. I can’t believe all of the doctors missed this—how much did I pay them? Whatever it is, it’s taking over my body and my life and it’s starting to tell me to do bad things.

My name is Amber. I’m 33 year old programmer and something is in my ear and I think my brain. I finally got a picture of it last night and I am freaked out. I need to figure out what this is and how to get it out. For now I am calling it an ear worm. As long as I’m still around and am not taken over completely, I’ll write another update here. That is, if anyone is interested in hearing what happens next.