Demons Inwards

Reuben Moore was a lost young man. He had graduated college two years ago, but never managed to find a decently paying job (he still works his college job at a hardware store). His long-term girlfriend Janice just broke up with him because he was “too complacent” and she “doesn’t feel the connection anymore.” The worst part was that Reuben wasn’t even all that upset about it; honestly, he was more upset that she might be right: he was too complacent. He didn’t particularly have any long-term ambitions or goals for life. As long as he eventually found a real job and could continue making rent and utilities payments and putting food on the table, he was golden. His parents had given up on encouraging him at all. So when Janice left, he realised that he really did need to get his life in order. At this point, he felt like he didn’t even know who he was anymore. Throughout his life, playing video games had been who Reuben was…. What was he without them? He didn’t have any other hobbies; he didn’t do anything else other than work. Who was he? Reuben didn’t know anymore.

That’s when he decided he needed to find himself before he could achieve his true potential. He decided that he would travel to the jungles of Mexico, and find himself while he was alone with no-one but nature. To Reuben, this seemed like the only way that he would ever be able to turn a new leaf. He went to his parents, who—though initially concerned—were just glad that he had a newfound sense of determination to do anything with his life. They agreed to foot the round-trip ticket, and let him take some of their old camping gear. Reuben stocked up on MREs and got a portable water filter. He’d go to the city of Tecolutla, Mexico and backpack along the river of the same name that travelled inland from the city. This was it! This was the beginning of the next chapter of his life!

====================================================

Listen to your heart

Hear our fretful hymn

Be careful not to go too far

But do come for a swim

Reuben woke up as his flight landed, swearing that he heard someone singing… and sadly at that. Once he was on a bus from the airport to Tecolutla, Reuben was filled with determination and excitement and forgot entirely about the strange song he had heard. Reuben walked through the bustling city; it was packed with lots of tourists—both foreign and domestic—who had all come for the beautiful beaches. While this looked like good fun (and of course the mostly naked women also piqued Reuben’s interest), he knew that it was only a distraction. It wouldn’t tell him anything about himself, and just because it would be fun didn’t mean that it would actually fulfil Reuben in any way. As a matter of fact, Reuben suspected that it would be just like all the college parties. It would be a fond memory, sure, (if he remembered it at all) but it wouldn’t bring him real happiness; it would just be one of those passing pleasure, like playing a video game. This is one thing that had really started bothering Reuben since he decided to rethink his life: he had spent most of his life partaking in these passing pleasures—parties, video games, dumb pranks—and had never really invested in real happiness. He hadn’t formed meaningful connections, made lasting memories, or discovered any hobbies that he could really enjoy and get excited for. Sure, video games were fun and all, but they never inspired real passion or excitement in him. That’s the meaning of life, and Reuben had wasted his up until this point.

So Reuben walked against the crowd; away from the beaches and music and half-naked women. This action alone for some reason filled Reuben with a suffocating paranoia. Was everyone looking at him? He felt like they were. They were all giving him a look; a nasty look. All of them. But no, that couldn’t be; he must be imagining it. Reuben was just an overly-average guy walking in a bustling city; nobody would take notice of him surely. But what if they were? Reuben had never really been concerned about what others thought about him before—actually, he’d never really paid attention to other people before—but now that he was, he couldn’t stop. It seemed to consume him; his mind became flooded with worries.

Reuben could feel that something was off; he knew something was. Something had to be off. He wasn’t sure what it was, but something was definitely off. Was someone following him? He felt like he was being watched. Reuben bet that with all the tourists, this would probably be a great place for muggers and pickpockets to hang around. With all the people packed into the riverside street, Reuben couldn’t tell if anyone was following him or not. He was pretty sure that everyone else was headed towards the beaches, but everything was moving so quickly he just couldn’t tell. He kept heading up the embankment, his hand in his pocket just in case. As he got farther up the embankment, the crowd thinned. As the crowd thinned, it became obvious that Reuben wasn’t the only one headed up the street. There were four men in front of him, and three behind. What if it’s a gang? Reuben fretted. Two of the men in front of Reuben began to slow down. Reuben did so as well. Then, the two men turned. Reuben stopped dead in his tracks. The world seemed to stop. Reuben’s heart pounded in his chest. What do I do, Reuben asked himself as he began to panic, if they try to mug me? I can’t take both of them at once, he thought, Hell, I probably couldn’t take one of them. At that moment, Reuben’s eyes met with one of the men’s. A smile crept up the man’s face.

The man nodded his head as he held the door of a bar open for the other man before entering himself.

Reuben felt a mix of relief and exhaustion come over him. Jeez, he thought, why was I so worried about those guys? Then, a hand fell upon Reuben’s shoulder. Again, the world began to move in slow motion. The hand’s bony fingers curled around Reuben’s broad shoulder until they were firmly grasping him. Reuben turned his head to see one of the men from behind him. In the man’s free hand was Reuben’s wallet. The man’s eyes were locked onto Reuben’s. They stared coldly, and with malice burning wildly. The man raised Reuben’s wallet.

“Here,” the man said, “you dropped this.” “Oh…” Reuben muttered as he felt the tenseness dissipate into pure embarrassment of himself, “uh….” “Are you alright mister;” the man asked, a tinge of concern in his voice, “you don’t look so well.” “I’m fine,” Reuben said after a brief pause as he took his wallet from the man’s outstretched hand, “Thank you. So sorry to hold you up.” Reuben wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead as he continued along the embankment.

It wasn’t long before Reuben had made it to the edge of the city, and left the riverside street behind, instead walking directly along the shoreline of the narrowing river. After that, he walked for another four hours before the sun started going down. Reuben set up his tent and looked out to the river, slowly beginning to illuminate with the light of the moon and stars reflecting off of it. Feeling the tiredness and exhaustion of all his worrying set in, Reuben fell into a light and dreamless sleep.

====================================================

Hear our mewling calls

Come; take a swim

Let your doubts soar and fly

And let your self-hate win

Reuben awoke—again hearing sombre singing (though he was quite sure it was a different woman’s voice)—gasping for air. His eyes shot open to find his vision almost entirely obstructed by some sort of green webbing. He threw his arms out, launching the web upwards. His tent had collapsed on him during the night. Jesus Christ: he thinks to himself, can’t I do anything right? Reuben crawled out from under the tent and, after getting over his initial terror, began packing the tent back up. I’ve done this a hundred times before; Reuben insists, I should know how to set up a damned tent! It was still dark; he checked his watch, which read 4:34AM. After the tent was packed up again, Reuben pulled out his portable water filter and walked over to the river. He opened up the filter to see a big hole where the filter should be. Oh God, Reuben realised, I had to buy a filter separately! God how could I forget something like that! How can I be that stupid?! Can’t I do anything right?! Beginning to panic, Reuben rushed to collect his stuff and head back to the city, which just made him even more angry with himself. This was supposed to be a chance for me to stay in nature—to be alone and away from society and everything—but now I’ve ruined that! I’ve only got a week out here; I can’t afford to waste a moment of it. God why do I have to fail at literally everything I try to do?!

Pulling his bag onto his back, he remembers something. Reuben remembers the last time he went out camping with his dad—when he was twelve—and how excited his dad was to try his new tree thing: the tree tap thing. Spile! That’s it! His dad thought it was just the absolute coolest thing ever, and kept insisting they use it (which they did only once because young Reuben thought it was stupid). Reuben dropped the bag to the ground and begun searching through its various pockets. Finally, he found it. Thanks Dad, Reuben thought, I guess you’re still covering my dumb ass even after all these years. Reuben pulled out an MRE, scarfed it down, and proceeded to hammer the spile into a tree. Once water started flowing out of it, he held the MRE can under it, filling it with water. After rinsing it out, he began to use it as a cup, drinking at least thirty fluid ounces before feeling that his thirst was quenched.

After sitting wallowing in a mixture of refreshment and self-loathing, Reuben got back up. He walked to the edge of the river, and looked out to the water. At the beaches, the water was bright and crystal clear; now it was dark and murky. The sun should be coming up soon. Until then, the world seemed to be completely devoid of any light. The river was no longer glistening with the brilliant reflections of the moon and stars as it was the night before. Not only was the river dark, but it looked like it was swelling with… emotion. The river seemed to be conveying emotion to Reuben; it seemed to be telling him something. Something… foreboding. Something… building. Well would you look at this: Reuben thought, I’m so incapable of dealing with my own emotions, that I’m trying to find some in inanimate things to avoid my own. Reuben chuckled and shook his head. I’ve spent my life doing nothing of any use—of going nowhere and doing nothing—and now that I’m trying, I can’t even do that right.

He sits down along the shoreline, and looks intently on the swelling in the water’s depths. No, it’s not the water that’s speaking to me; Reuben realises, those are my own emotions. I’m just projecting them onto the water. All I have to do is listen to myself through the water! Reuben chuckles again. I can’t listen to myself on my own so I need to get water to do it for me. How perfect. He gazes out, trying to read what the water is telling him. It seemed now to no longer be conveying an emotion, but just… swirling? No, it seemed to be grasping at the water itself; trying to consume the whole river. Great… Reuben thought, now that I’m trying to read the water, I can’t. This is just typical. For some reason, however, Reuben felt enticed to go for a swim. The water seemed to be, while clearly malicious and harmful, so inviting. He just wanted to embrace it all, and live in the depths for all his life. Reuben suspected that that’s what the river wanted as well. The river seemed to stare back at him. Luring him, seducing him, begging him to come for a swim. Reuben almost felt dissociated looking out at the dark depths of the river. He felt quite entranced by its macabre beauty. He closed his eyes and took in all its sounds. He could hear all of its soft swishing waves along the riverbank. He could feel the morning dew soaked into the seat of his pants. He could hear the not-too-distant rushing and brambling of the water. His nose was filled with the scent of the musky river. Without the melancholy sight of the river’s depths pulling him down, Reuben began to feel quite calm. All this beauty in nature, and all you have to do is pay attention. Reuben smiled, and got up. He finished repacking the bag, and continued along the river as the sun steadily rose.

====================================================

With us forever stay

Rest your dreary mind

At the bottom of this lake

And peace in death do find

Reuben woke up in a snap. It was the singing again—again in a different voice than the others. He knew he heard it. He wasn’t going crazy. It was there; he was sure of it! He stumbled out of his tent and looked around, trying to find the source of the voice. His eyes darted around, scanning the trees, the riverbanks, the other side of the river, the distance, everything. Still he found nothing. It couldn’t have been an animal, Reuben told himself, it was a person; I know it! It had to be! It… it had to be! Reuben fell to his knees amidst his roaring thoughts. Tears began to stream down his face, and his breathes became laboured. Why is it like this? Why is this my life? Why am I like this? Through laboured breaths, Reuben looked up to the now breaking dawn, and screamed “SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY!” He fell to his hands, and then to his side. He began quivering and rocking. He made no attempt to halt his tears. He let the tears come streaming down, and sobbed loudly as they did. Why why why why why why why? He couldn’t help but be engulfed in his thoughts. Why is this the way it is? Why couldn’t it be different? Why couldn’t I have been different? Why is it like this? I’ve had a good life: good family, good finances, no college debts… so WHY AM I SO MISERABLE?! Reuben’s mind rattled on. I shouldn’t be miserable. I don’t deserve to be. There are people out there who’ve had hard lives—shitty lives—who are rightfully depressed. I don’t deserve to be. I have no right to be. Reuben’s sobs began to slow, and his breathing begins to steady. I was happy. No: I was content. Why couldn’t I have just kept that up? Why did I have to dare to ask for more? Why did I have to be so greedy to want more? I was fine; now I’m not. I’ve got no-one to blame for that but myself. This is pain of my own making.

Reuben pulled himself to up so that he was sitting. He looked out to the river. In the dim light, he could still see the swelling—the building—in the depths. They appeared to almost be bursting now. They were ready to engulf everything. Now, in the depths, the light of the breaking dawn, he could see three figures: three silhouettes of naked women. Great, Reuben couldn’t help but think, now I’m crazy and in a Bond film. The three women stretched their hands out toward Reuben, curling their fingers inward; just begging him to come for a swim. And Reuben wanted to. Oh how badly he wanted to! Reuben again fell to his hands, and began crawling to the shoreline. This is it: Reuben thought to himself, now it can finally all be over. Reuben reached the edge of the water, and began wading through the freezing waves on his knees. He stood up, and started walking as fast as he could in the water. This is it: he thought again, this is where the pain finally ends! Reuben got waist-high in the water, then came to a halt. Wait.... Is this really what I want? It was too late. The women had grabbed him by the legs and pulled him down. They were clawing at him, suffocating him, enveloping him. Even though Reuben knew that this would be his death, he couldn’t deny that it felt almost… nice. It felt nice just to feel something—anything. The three women threw themselves all over him, and filled every nook and every crevice of his being. It felt nice to have someone close to him. But is this really what I want? Do I really want it to end here and now? There’s so much to do; so much I haven’t done. Is this really what I want? Should I let it consume me and take control? Or should I fight it? It was time to choose, and it was his choice, and his alone.