Deja Vu

As I fell into a vivid slumber, I traversed through the dreamscape of my mind's creation. I enter this place unfamiliar to me a hall with boxes and vases adorned against the wall. As I walk further down a glance to my right is a meeting room with many chairs. I shift my head to the left a open room with and open box. I turn back and look once more there it was... a large, heavy, and darkened door. I go to reach for that handle, but my eyes open before the door does. Woke up and said "oh... it was just a dream".

Much time passed after that dream, and I never returned back to it. That was until that retched day. I remember that one in particular all too well.

Some years after, I get picked up at school where my Uncle's face is doused in tears. Tragic news has befallen my ears of my brother in a fatal wreck. We get to my house where I see my family, crying and hoping it was a mistake someone else. It's harsh and selfish to think that, and in my heart and my gut I knew those those things were untrue.

We hop in our vehicle and drive states away to go confirm or deny the truth of the matter. We arrive at this tiny white and inconspicuous building seemingly in the middle of nowhere. Its time for us to head inside. At that moment not only did I cross through that door, it felt as if I crossed through a veil. I suddenly stop, my stomach drops, and all I could think or say is "Deja Vu, I've been here before".

Now that I had that feeling I was being a lot more attentive to my surroundings. As I walk down the hall I see once more Caskets and Urns adorn the walls. I to the back of the building, a glance to my left, and open casket in and open room. To my right that same meeting rooms except these chairs were filled with my family and the coroner. I look back to that darkened door, and my stomach drops yet again, knowing this is it, this is the place.

We met, we talked, we grieved, and prepared. Prepared to see what awaits that darkened door. I cross through a veil once more, and there he lie in peaceful sleep. My brother, my friend, and thus I weep.

To me this felt unreal almost as if it were a horror story. I paced around wracking my brain and wondering if there was anything I could've done. After all I knew this place, I walked these halls, and have been here before. I felt as if some guilt washed over me. There was a moment in my thoughts where I believed that maybe, just maybe, I could've stopped this.

It felt as if years had passed as these what ifs plagues my mind. What if I told him to stay away from this state? Or what if this and what if that? I paced more and more, mumbling under my breath. Then a I feel a hand atop my should asking if "I needed a moment to step away". I shook my head no in a silent wake. We stayed just a few moments more before we left back home.

Years had passed once again before I decided to finally tell my family what I felt and I experienced. They wondered why I waited so long to get that off my chest and I simply responded "fear". There was this fear of the unknown that was being shown to me. Fear of something like this happening again. And worst of all, fear of being blamed from not preventing it. My family took a moment and comforted me, reassuring me that it was not my fault and that when it's our time to go, its our time to go.

Now I am more cognizant of my dreams and those Deja Vu moments and write them down in dream journal. Every now and then I get those moments, the same gut-sinking feeling even in joyous outcomes. But still to this day I will not forget those dreams, those feelings, those moments spent.