Clinophobia

"Nightmares and Fears" the biggest problem when it comes to Clinophobia is the feeling of anxiety everyday, knowing that with just one slumber I could forever more fall into my deepest fear.

Have you every had a nightmare so bad that you woke up in the middle of it, only to know nothing but the pain of not being able to move or speak. Never fully understanding the reality to which you have entered; with body, mind and soul you feel the crushing weight of nothing and everything on top of you. As it is crushing you between its palms and pulling you deeper and deeper beneath a sea of darkness; that not even with a slight breath of air, you will over come it.

Sadly sleep paralysis and Clinophobia can go hand in hand when it comes to a sea of nightmares. On one hand I have a never ending fear of the unknown, that lies deep within my subconscious full of horrific terrors for which I know nothing about. But even for that slight moment of victory before my body is ready to shut down, I am down and with one brief second of anxiety my eyes close in nothing but fear.

I awake to darkness, surrounded by the goblins for which I am sure are nothing but my shoes tucked away tight in the corner of my room. But even knowing that, I cant help to think is this my reality or the reality of a place deep within my mind that I can not escape. But how do you explain to your mind that they mean no harm and that you are surly tucked away safely in between your sheets. How do you tell you body that the tightness within your chest could be cured with one breath of light and that this is not the end, but could be the beginning of something beautiful if you could only push past those doubts. The answer is you can, but surly I can not knowing that just trying to shut my eyes feels like the end of something inside of my heart. Knowing that I could be swallowed up by the darkness for which I fear more than even life itself.

Paralyses such a threatening thing when you already fear sleep, when all it does is conform my worst fears that lie beneath the closing of my eyes. So explain how can you truly over come one fear if you have not yet over come another.

I'm tired, tired to the point that I feel the sweat on the back of my neck trickling down like a sharp cold knife waiting to plunge in deep. Tired to the point that even if I had all the Stimulant's in the world I truly could not escape this reoccurring Nightmare.

Harming myself was never in the plan but when you can neither distinguish the difference between your own worlds, you do what you can for something that you fight alone. As I count sheep I feel the coldness of the cuffs around my wrist in hopes that it will help.

"Claire" asked a whisper from across the room, as my eyes open in fear.

"Yes" I whisper back not knowing what it is or who it is that had said my name. Quickly tugging on the string to my light; hoping that with one quick pull the feeling of anxiety could quickly be answered with nothing but my own thoughts, rushing to destroy me.

With one swift pull I find myself laying against my bed not knowing for which had done it to me, or if I had done it to myself. But could I, because this weight is nothing for which I have felt before. It seems much colder than I am use to, as if all the darkness that I keep held with in myself is crushing my lungs.

Digging my nails between the satin that lied beneath, I struggle to find a way out of this only to feel something wet beneath my hands. As the tightness thickens around my chest I feel it crawling its way around my throat, not knowing what it is I grip tight and pull.

Useless I feel useless, for nothing I do is helping as I feel it slither its way further and further down engulfing me in the thickness of the dark. Closing my eyes is all I can do at this point and wait for the end, knowing that I will awake soon from this nightmare and try again.

"How long has it been" as I whisper into the silence of my own thoughts.

I feel as if I am floating now like a feather within the wind, I open my eyes to look upon nothing and yet it is something for which I did not expect.

I see now what I have done and what I have become, beneath the fear I filled up with nothing but sadness. Water fills my eyes with pain and my heart yet fills with nothing but joy, for I feel a slight relief from a life full of nothing but nightmares. As a smile crosses my lips I see that It was nothing but a dream for I had still been lying in cuffs within the silk filled with nothing but red. Blood, that's what it was that felt so wet beneath my fingernails as I gripped tight trying to escape the fear. A pen is what I felt so heavy within my chest that not even a gasp of air would escape between these lips, and Death was the coldness slithering its was around my neck and down my body as the darkness surrounded me.

Yet, Victory of a life full of my own demise and torment was something so familiar day to day and now what will I do? I feel myself floating further and further away with hope and joy that a life or a world better than this, would in the end all be worth the suffering. So with this last thought I hope that those who suffer from the Nightmares and Fear most will not feel, you find that light in a way I did not.