Class of Nuke 'Em High

Class of Nuke 'Em High is a sickeningly ugly, wretched, garbage-pail slop bucket of a body-horror teenage psycho-a-go-go flick—complete with wannabe Mad Max punkoid biker monsters of grotesque mien. It has no reason to exist and will likely be forgotten, swept under the rug by future generations as they march into a brave new world where nuclear energy is safe, clean, and efficient (as the movie itself ironically claims).

It's rotten—like the stench wafting from the bottom of a sewage-sludge dumpster behind the Taco Bell in South Marion. And yet, depending on your personal preferences, it is entertaining as hell. Then again, so are a lot of things that aren't good for you.

I first saw the film (or rather, mutilated snippets of it—raw, suppurating, oozing flesh) via Stephen King’s World of Horror, a gloriously trashy Eighties TV show where Big Steve wandered around his Bangor, Maine mansion on a cold winter’s day, dropping horror host-style commentary between weird little interviews. That King, the one who said, “I’m warped… You don’t do this sort of thing if you’re all right”, was a far cry from the future King of Oprah’s Book Club and mainstream literary sainthood. Back then, he still had teeth. (And could probably give Neil Gaiman the shits.)

But it wasn’t Steve-O who really caught my attention regarding Nuke ‘Em High. It was producer, co-director, and Chief Tromazoid Lloyd "Uncle Lloydie" Kaufman, interviewed right on set. His words have always stuck with me:

Life is horrible. I mean, there are a lot of nice things too, but generally, it’s pretty scary. People die all around you, the tax man comes, the rent is due. Life is horrible.

Maybe not the exact quote, but you get the gist. Kaufman was explaining why folks love horror movies like Nuke ‘Em High, but let’s be honest—it’s probably more about monsters and tits. Or maybe monstrous tits.

The Plot (Not That It Matters)

Warren (Gil Brenton) and Chrissy (Janelle Brady) are students at Tromaville High, conveniently located next to the Tromaville Nuclear Plant, which is run by a grotesque corporate blob named Mr. Paley (played by the ever-repulsive Pat Ryan). Naturally, there’s a nuclear leak—one that Paley is desperate to keep quiet. But when contaminated water seeps into the school’s drinking supply, students start dropping like flies. One poor bastard drowns in his own green slurpee-like nasal discharge. There’s a lot of boogery dreck spurting from the slushie machine before we finally get to some proper red splattery slaughterhouse fun.

Meanwhile, the Honor Society mutates into a gang of punked-out nuclear mutants calling themselves The Cretins—a gaggle of apocalyptic rejects decked out in Manowar’s stolen armbands, leather fetish gear, and the kind of dyed-hair disasters that made ‘80s metal videos so memorable. One member appears to be sporting full blackface for some inexplicable, deeply unfortunate reason, with two massive nose rings and dentures clamped between his teeth. Another, a rather masculine female stubby with a Hitler mustache and Flock of Seagulls hair has weird web-like tattoos or makeup smeared across her face. It’s all gloriously disgusting.

By contrast, Warren and Chrissy are your typical Reagan-era preppies—except when they smoke nuclear-contaminated pot, have pre-marital sex, and give birth to mutants. And by mutants, I mean a single mutant, which Chrissy vomits up and spits into a toilet. Said mutant grows into a hideous nuclear monstrosity straight out of my post-apocalyptic cyberpunk roleplaying game, and things escalate quickly from drippy green slushie horror to deep red gore, laser guns, and a final explosive climax (stop laughing, damn you).

The Troma Factor

Like the rest of Troma’s oeuvre, Class of Nuke ‘Em High is a satirical, anarchic mess—deliberately pushing taboos of its time: teen pregnancy, nuclear paranoia, youth crime, failing schools. One particularly eerie moment features a teacher being gunned down in the principal’s office—a rare horror scene in 1986 but, depressingly, an all-too-common reality today.

And then there’s the Troma signature—mindless, gory, sleazy fun, overflowing with blood, grue, breasts, babes, gross-out humor, and the kind of Mad Magazine-style social parody that toes the line between dumb and subversive. Co-directed by Uncle Lloydie (credited as Samuel Weil) and Richard W. Haines, Nuke ‘Em High paved the way for the even more deranged Terror Firmer, Poultrygeist, and Tromeo & Juliet—films that tripled the exploitative, sickening excess and took it to new heights (or depths).

Uncle Lloydie said it best: "Life is horrible."

And so is this film.

But that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it.

Maybe I’m a Cretin.

Class Of Nuke 'Em High | Offical Trailer (1986) | Lloyd Kaufman

My book: "Cult Films and Midnight Movies: From High Art to Low Trash Volume 1"

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