Alice in Wonderland

By Rick Hartford

The old Ford pickup creaked up the dirt road near the river and stopped.

Two men got out and stood by the cab for a moment, the smoke from their cigarettes drifting into the air like souls departing the newly dead.

In the back of the pickup truck was a steel cage.

Dark forms moved about restlessly, panting.

“I hate those frigging animals.”

Robert was built like a fire plug with close set eyes.

The other man had leather skin and cobalt eyes. His name was Hawk.

“ If they get her they'll tear her apart. You know that,” Robert said.

“Since when are we being paid to care?”

“You just do your job, Robert.

Cause if you don't, it’s going to be you who is missing a few of those limbs you seem to dwell on a lot.”

Robert turned to the tailgate.

He could see yellow teeth coated with saliva like rotting milk.

He turned the key, and swung the door wide.

“Let loose the Hounds from Hell,” Hawk said..

She was a kleptomaniac.

This day at the mall she went into the Wonderland store. She tried on some white silk slippers ($750) and brought a matching white silk suit (A two piece, $1495) into the dressing room, removed her tee shirt and jeans and threw them into the trash. She emerged and walked out of Wonderland into the sun.

A black Mercedes pulled in front of her and slammed on the brakes.

A man emerged and flashed a gold badge.

“Get in the car lady.”

“I will certainly not,” she said.

“You don’t want to make a scene, do you? We have it all on video. If you get into the car now we can go back to the store and return the goods and the worst of it will be that you will no longer be a customer of Wonderland.”

She slipped into the passenger seat, light headed.

The man pulled out of the parking lot and into the highway..

“Where are you going” she demanded. “This isn’t the way to Wonderland.””

The man reached to his jacket and pulled the lapel back to display a handgun.

The man looked over at her again.

“Relax. Nobody is going to hurt you. Have you ever heard of Max Brilliant?

She looked at the side of his face.

“Maximilian Brilliant. The eccentric billionaire who lives in a castle on the mountain.”

“The driver nodded. “He has a soft spot for entrepreneurial people such as yourself. He has a proposition for you.”

He handed her a small black notebook.

“Go ahead. Open it,” he said.

She gently held it. Its black leather was ancient, so delicate. She opened it.

“Oh my god!” was all she could say.

“Better now?” the driver said.

All she could do was nod dumbly.

“This is mine? I can keep this?”

Consider it a get out of jail card.

“So what does he want?”

“He has to tell you about it. All I can say is that there is a substantial paycheck involved.

She walked up to the front door as the car pulled away. It was opened by a gaunt butler with a torpedo shaped bald head and ears that belonged on a fruit bat. He ushered her into a huge den with a fireplace, an ornate bar and huge plants that looked as if they were imported from the Amazon.

On the wall above the mantle over the fireplace was the head of a water buffalo located to the right of a Bengal tiger. Their glass eyes watched each other, the tiger infinitely patient, the buffalo regretting its wrong turn at the watering hole.

A shard of sunlight stabbed through a window pane, illuminating the dust swirling through the air like stars untethered in an angry universe.

She walked slowly through the room, spying an antique glass ashtray with a silver dragon inlaid in the bottom. She put it in her purse.

“Ahem.”

She turned in surprise to see him at the door. He was a tall man, perhaps in his mid-50s, maybe older, with blond hair, searing eyes but a dazzling smile that told you you were in on it. No matter what “it” was.

She was pretty sure that he hadn’t seen the ash tray, but got a prickle on her scalp when he said: “Do you smoke?”

He produced a silver cigarette case from his right jacket pocket and held it out for her.

“Thank you,” she said. “Is there an ash tray?”

“There should be one over at the bar. Come. Sit down.

They sat next to each other at the bar. He helped himself to a cigarette and lit both of theirs.

“Please forgive me,” Brilliant said. “I am Max Brilliant. And I totally apologize, I am at a loss.

“I”m Alice,.” she said.

“Ahh, Alice from Wonderland.”

She looked surprised.

“The tag is still on your beautiful silk jacket, my dear. I am afraid my driver surprised you before you were able to take it off. If that is the case please hold me responsible.”

She looked at the tag and then at him and smiled.

“Now, let’s get down to business,” Brilliant said. “I have a wonderful dinner planned. I am hoping that you like steak, lobster, shrimp and linguini. And there is chocolate ice cream for dessert.”

“Tell me what you have in mind,” Alice said.

“It’s a contest,.” he said. “A little challenge. Perhaps a wager would be the best way of describing it.

Or tag. Are you familiar with that childhood game? I am about to give you $20,000 in cash, in a perfectly beautiful alligator bag. And all you have to do is make it to my property line without getting caught.”

Alice felt sweat running down from her arm pits.

“So what’s the catch? Why are you having this silly contest?”

“I am a bored man. Everybody around me wants to please. I want someone who is going to stand up to me, to beat me at my own game.”

“Your game.” It wasn’t a a question.

“And if I prefer not to play?”

“Oh, my dear. Don’t worry! You can leave right away! We can get you home for supper.”

Alice didn’t like either choice. She knew instinctively that she wouldn’t be “home for supper.”

“Has anyone else played this game,” she asked.

“Yes. A few. They have all be sworn to secrecy. And, fortunately for you, they didn’t win the prize. But, they all considered it a splendid challenge!”

Brilliant poured them both a cocktail. He held out his glass. “To you, Alice.”

They touched glasses.

Dinner was strange.

Each sat at the end of a dining table which looked to be about the length of a 50 yard dash. There were candles. The wait staff was impeccable. The lobster was sweet enough to eat without butter and she could cut her steak with her fork.

Neither of them said a single word.

After the ice cream was taken away, Briiliant touched his lips with a starched white cloth napkin and reached under the table to produce a pair of running shoes. Her size. “Not fair to run in those lovely slippers,” he said.

He pulled out a map and smoothed it on the table. She looked over his shoulder. “Here we are at the house. And here is the connecting road at the edge of the property. It’s mostly woods, but there are trails here, here, and here,” he said, jamming an index finger onto the map. You have to run to the east. It’s the shortest distance to the property line, A lttle less than a mile. You’ll have 20 minutes head start.”

“And are you doing the chasing?”

“Oh no. I’m too old and slow. The grounds keeper is going to do it. Sorry, but he knows the place well. That’s why, to be fair, you get such a healthy head start.”

She thought about that.

“My white suit puts me at a disadvantage,” she said.

Brilliant frowned. “Didn’t think of that. No, not fair at all. I’lll see to it you get black sweats and a black hoodie. We can arrange to bring your suit to you tomorrow.”

‘”That would be nice," Allice said, thinking about the ash tray.

They went over the map once more and Brilliant escorted to to the front door where, once opened, he showed her the direction that she would be taking, pointing in the general direction of the road on the edge of the property. That was the finish line.

“Oh, and one other thing.” He handed her a compass in a chrome setting. 'This ought to help.”

“Well, my dear,. time to say goodnight and good luck. I’ll be starting the timer. Don’t look over your shoulder.

She did, right then, and noticed for the first time that the smile looked exceedingly cruel, the eyes like black marbles. She shuddered and crossed the drive quickly, disappearing into the woods along the path.

Alice trotted along down the path, taking a hurried look at the compass. Her eyes narrowed. She turned around. He was still at the door. He waved and then made an urging motion with his two hands. He had pointed the direction of east. The compass wasn’t reading right. She knew instantly that he was trying to get her lost. She turned and began to jog quickly down the path — which quickly split into a fork. She hesitated for a moment and then took the right path, praying that she had her directions straight. Her heart started thumping when she hit a dead end about 100 yards in. She was starting to sweat heavily and the first pang of panic started rising in her throat. She willed herself to calm down and ran quickly up the trail.

The next instant she found herself lying on the ground, her head pointed down the hill. What happened? Her head was killing her! She sat up and reached for her nose. Blood was pouring down her face and her nose felt broken. She looked down at her feet. There it was! She had stepped on the prongs of a garden rake. She could now see others hidden under leaves.

Had she been knocked out? If so, for how long? She got up and used her shirt to wipe the blood off of her face. Carefully she climbed the trail until she was at the fork and then descended down again.

She heard a strange noise up by the tower. It sounded like a howl.

And then she saw them. Something swiftly moving through the night. Oh, God, there was more than one of them! What were they?

The animal hit her like a barracuda, tearing off a chunk of her sweatshirt and some flesh under it. She screamed and careened into a tree trunk.

Alice scrambled to her feet,. her back against the tree. They were all there,. maybe ten of them, circling her in the deep woods. with yellow fangs and saliva dripping out of hideously grinning mouths.

The lead baboon approached her with a grunt and looked as it was about to leap at her when she remembered:

The get out of jail card.

Alice held up her right hand and said “Stop!”

Miraculously, they all did.

She pulled out the black notebook and slowly opened it and placed it on the ground in front of her.

The lead baboon slowly approached it, the others following behind. They regarded it with what had to be awe. The lead beast reached out for the book, but then pulled its paw back, as if the object was burning hot..

Alice stood unsteadily. She still had the alligator bag with the money.

She lifted it up and turned away from the beasts, who didn’t give her a second glance as they slowly circled their prize.

The road was just ahead.

Alice didn’t look back.