a mistake

The cabin in the woods had been abandoned for years, but one night, a candle burned in the window. I know, because I was there. That's where it happened. That's where my life changed forever.

It was the Friday before Thanksgiving break, 2022. Cameron and I were both sixteen. Actually, we still are, though Cameron will be seventeen in January. We got together over Thanksgiving break of our freshman year. In the world of high-school romance, we're pretty serious. Everyone knows we're together. Sometime after the beginning of this year I started noticing that our friends refer to us by one name, as if we were one person, "Camanabby". I guess we do spend a lot of time together. We get along really well but also, there just isn't much to do except hang out together. We live in a small Texas town with only one high school. In fact, most of our parents went to high school together in the same school Cameron and I attend now. That's just the way it is.

Cam passed me a note during English, the only class we have together. He would have just snapped me but Mrs. Brown is death on phones. If she even sees one out of a backpack or someone's pocket, she'll put them on her list of students who can't be exempted from the final. Her rule is that if we have an 85 or better in her class and we've turned in all our assignments on time we don't have to take the final, we can just end the semester with our 85-or-better grade. Her exams are brutal - nobody would want to take one - so we're all kind of forced to be old-fashioned, passing notes and stuff.

The front of the note had my name, Abby, and a heart. Cameron is sweet. When I unfolded it, it had just one word, "Tonight?" Cam and I were both still virgins. How quaint, I know. We'd been talking about having sex but the hardest part was finding a time and a place. Cameron's full name is Cameron Patrick O'Brien. He's the second-oldest of nine siblings and they go to Mass every Sunday, so I guess that tells you everything you need to know about how his parents feel about premarital sex and even contraception, apparently. Besides, there was always someone at Cam's house. Impossible to find the privacy to even kiss, and his Mom once gave me this look when she saw us holding hands, so I wasn't about to mess with any of that.

I'm an only child and my Mom's a single Mom. She was pretty young when she had me and my Dad just sort of took off. We don't even know where he is right now. Our place is super small and my Mom works from home so it's not really ideal for intimate moments, either. I don't have my license yet; Cam does, but his family only has one car, this huge van-type thing that can fit all of them. His older brother Thomas was in town, though, and he has a car. Thomas is eighteen and in his first year of college at UT Austin.

Cameron had told me that he was going to ask Thomas if he could borrow his car. We had a plan: My Mom was going to be gone that afternoon so I'd just leave her a note so she'd know I had been home and that I was with Cam and that I'd be back by nine. Not that far out of town there was a big piece of land that everyone called Wilder Wood. The story is that a man named Jonah Wilder left his property to the town when he died, but on the condition that it never be developed. He died sometime in the 1880s, I think, so going to Wilder Wood is kind of like time traveling. There aren't any roads through it and nothing has been built on it since he died. It's really very beautiful.

Anyhow, Cameron and I were going to take Thomas' car to the edge of Wilder Wood, park, and have sex in the car. I know that doesn't sound very romantic but honestly, I kind of just wanted to get the job done. I don't know how to explain it - I was just tired of being a virgin. It was my idea and you can believe that Cameron had no problem with it. I could feel all his tension and excitement in just that one word on the note, "Tonight?"

I was watching for him through my front window. I had taken a quick shower after school and my hair was wet against the neck of my hoodie. It was almost dark even though it was only five o'clock. It was chilly outside, but not cold. With the heater on we'd be fine.

When I saw him I was out the door in a flash. I climbed into the car and it was weird. I looked at him and grinned. He grinned back.

"You ready?" he asked. I was.

We didn't talk much at all on the way there, just listened to some of the lo-fi music that Cam really likes. He's a pretty mellow guy. That's part of why I like him: I can be really wound up and high-strung and he really helps to kind of bring me back into balance. I'm not sure where he gets his calm, maybe just from being around eight crazy loud brothers and sisters every day. I guess you either learn to deal with the crazy or you go crazy, right?

Cam pulled off the main road and drove a ways down the dirt track that stops at the edge of Wilder Wood.

"So," he said, "I have a surprise."

I don't particularly like surprises. Cameron knows that. "What kind of surprise?" I asked him, eyeing him suspiciously.

He undid his seatbelt and said, "Come on, let's go walk."

Very slowly, I said, "But...we're here to have sex?" I was really confused. My voice rose as I asked the question so that by the time I got to 'sex' it was just a squeak.

Cameron smiled. "We will!" He leaned into the back of the car and picked up two flashlights that I hadn't noticed when I got in. He handed one to me, kissed me, and said, "Come on!" He got out of the car and I followed him.

It was quiet. The sound of our feet in the fallen leaves seemed louder than it should have. The beams of our flashlights bounced along the uneven ground as we walked. We had been walking in silence for about fifteen minutes when Cameron said, "It's Thomas' fault, really."

"Thomas' fault what?" I replied, thrown off by this sudden change in plans and not very sure that walking through dense woods on a chilly night was what I had signed up for.

"That we can't have sex in the car. I told him why I wanted to borrow it from him and he was fine with the whole idea of us having sex but when he asked me where I was taking you to do it I didn't really have a ready answer. He figured out pretty fast that we meant to do it in his car and he was like, 'Nah, bruh.'." Cameron looked over at me but I couldn't see his face well at all. There was a fairly full moon but it was mostly covered by silvery clouds or the tops of trees. The branches still held some of their leaves; the rest, we were walking on.

"'Nah, bruh'?" I said.

"Well, I think his exact words were, 'Get yo spooge all over my seats? Nah, bruh.'" Cameron said.

"Classy," I smirked. "So we're going to have sex in the woods? On the ground? At night, when it's 55 degrees?"

"No," Cameron stopped walking and took my hand. He pointed with his flashlight through the trees. "We're going to have sex there."

I looked where the beam of his flashlight had been and saw the light of one candle. In spite of myself, I started to smile. "What is that?" I asked, and then it dawned on me. "Is that the cabin?"

"Yeah! It was Thomas' idea, actually. I came here earlier today and set it up, come on." He tugged at my hand and I followed, protesting.

"Dude, that cabin is so old. It's probably so gross and dirty inside. Does it even have a floor left or is it all rotted away, chewed up by rabid raccoons?" I was skeptical.

Cameron laughed. "Come ON!" he said, pulling me closer to the cabin.

The wood of the porch steps wasn't exactly sturdy, but it held as we came up to the front door. It was unlocked. We walked in and I saw what Cameron meant. He had made sort of a bed on the floor and there were candles in little glass yogurt jars that he started lighting.

"See? I brought some of our camping stuff - ground pads - and then put a blanket over them," he paused, lifting the corner of a big Mexican blanket to show me the camping roll-ups. "And I brought twelve candles - twelve months of Camanabby, twelve candles, see?" He seemed proud. "I even swept up and threw out the beer cans and the trash that some other people left in here."

It had never occurred to me that anyone would come to the cabin. We had all known about the cabin since we were little, just like we knew about Jonah Wilder and his legacy gift to our town, but the cabin was a solid fifteen-minute walk back into the woods, even in the daytime, I'd bet. Most kids I know would probably rather sit at home on their couches with their face in a phone.

I still wasn't convinced. A little bit touched, but not exactly convinced. "You want me to get naked, right here?" I asked Cam, pointing at the very dusty planks that made up the old floor.

Cameron started taking his shoes off. "Oh, man, you're tough," he said, shaking his head, "Not even the twelve candles are doing it for you? Come on, just come be cozy with me."

Reluctantly, I walked over to the makeshift bed and popped off my sneakers. Then, I joined him underneath the fuzzy blanket. Everything went pretty quickly from there.

We kissed. It started to heat up under the blanket. Cameron sat up to take off his jacket and then pulled his tee-shirt over his head. Cold air whooshed into our warm little cocoon and I grabbed at him. "Get back here," I whispered, "I'm cold."

More and more clothes found their way off our bodies and out from under the blanket. I could feel Cam's erection. He stopped kissing me for a moment and said, "Do you want me to do anything for you?"

"Like...?" I wasn't sure what he meant. I guess I was more nervous than I thought.

"Like go down on you or get you off like I can with these magic fingers," he said, tickling me and making me laugh.

"No," I said, suddenly serious again, "I kind of just want it done."

"Just some good, old-fashioned missionary-style lovemaking, huh?" he teased.

"Well, at least for the first time," I said. "You have condoms, right?"

He rolled over to where his jeans were on the floor and produced not one but two condoms from his back pocket. He presented them with such flair I half expected him to shout, "Ta da!"

I gave him a look. "Two?" I said, "That's awfully ambitious."

He laughed. "I thought maybe I might get super lucky!" When I groaned, he said, "Nah, I just wanted to be sure I had one good one, like if I screwed up trying to put on the first one and broke it or something."

I started laughing. "How are you going to screw it up? It seems pretty self-explanatory."

Cam ripped open the foil of one of the packets. "Hey," he said, "I just like to be prepared. You good?" I nodded. "Now?" he said.

"Yeah," I breathed.

It didn't hurt. It didn't really last long enough for me to be able to tell if it felt good, but I was totally willing to try it again. Cameron lay on top of me, a little bit sweaty, his breathing more rapid than normal. He reached his hand down between my legs and started to pull out. Suddenly, he froze.

"I can't feel the condom," he said.

"What do you mean you can't feel it?" I asked. "You put it on, right?"

"Yes, I put it on! You saw me!" He was looking a little bit panicky.

"I didn't see anything," I said, "It was all hidden under the covers and besides, it's dark in here."

"Maybe it came off inside you," he suggested.

"What? How? I don't think so," I said.

"Well," he gestured his hands uselessly in the air, "Check and see."

Check and see? It was kind of embarrassing, but I slid a finger inside myself and felt nothing except my own flesh. I shook my head. I rolled over to the side and reached for my clothes. Nothing felt very sexy anymore.

"Oh, shit, Abby," Cameron said, "It's stuck to your butt."

I whipped back over and reached down. Sure enough, the empty condom was there on the blanket where my butt had just been.

"Cam, there's no semen in here. When did it come off? That means you came inside of me!" My voice rose as my fear grew.

Cameron looked so upset that it was hard to be angry with him. He didn't say anything.

"Look," I said, "Let's just get dressed, get your stuff together, and you can take me home. There's really no point in worrying about it, now. It's done." The boy looked positively wretched, so I leaned into him and gave him a kiss. "Come on," I said, "Let's get our stuff and go." And that is what we did.

***

That was a month ago. Now, it's almost Christmas. When my period was late, I waited a day and then another day and then a week. When I was ten days late, I knew I had to take a test. This is a really small town. I walked to the Dollar General after school on three different days before I didn't recognize the cashier, didn't see someone I knew in the store. I definitely, definitely didn't want anyone to know what I was buying. I even thought about paying a friend to go buy the test for me but then someone would know, and I hadn't said anything to anyone. Only Cameron knew that I was late, but we weren't talking about it.

I bought two, just like Cameron had bought two condoms. They were crappy little dollar store pregnancy tests, not the fancy kind you pee on that gives you a digital readout. For this test I had to pee in a cup first thing in the morning. I was so nervous. My Mom was home so I locked the bathroom door but neither one of us is modest so it surprised her when she tried the door and found it locked. I about had a heart attack when I heard the handle turning. "Abby?" she called, louder than necessary, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah!" I said, also too loudly, "Girl problems!" It was the first thing I came up with, locking the door to handle a messy period in privacy. I noted the irony.

I used the tiny dropper to drip my pee into the test and watched in horror as two vivid, dark pink lines appeared. I was pregnant.

I am pregnant. I am sixteen. Cam and I are in high school. We don't have jobs yet. We don't have cars yet. I don't even have my license. If I have this baby, this baby's uncle - Cam's littlest brother - will only be a year older than he or she is. If I have this baby, I will never get to go to college. If I have this baby, I will never get out of this town. I will be stuck, stuck for years and years and years. If I tell my Mom that I'm pregnant, she will be so disappointed. She will want to know why I made the same mistake she did after all the conversations we've had about not making a mistake. I am a mistake and now I know how my Mom felt and I don't want anyone I love to ever, ever feel like my Mom did then and like I do now. I can't do that to this baby.

But I live in Texas, hours and hours away from the state line. I don't even know where I can go for an abortion. I don't know if anyone would help me. I can't do it by myself: I can't get there, I can't pay for it, I just can't handle it. I don't want to give my baby up for adoption and then never know if he's all right. I don't want to have her, either. I am not ready. I am sixteen and poor and alone and pregnant and abortion is illegal. I am terrified.