If You Read This...

My Darling Karl,

If you read this I am gone forever from this world, but I will always exist in your memories, your heart, your mind, your soul. As long as you remember me I will be with you through the remainder of time.

Just as we promised- in sickness and in health... but death will not truly part us. Didn't we say that we reached for each other across time and space? Wasn't that in our vows? That reaching doesn't stop just because we stopped breathing. That reach, that grasp; our souls know the touch of the other and won't rest until we nestle together hand in hand again.

I just read that over and don't know why I am being so formal.

Honey, I have missed you. I tried to be brave; really I did. I closed my eyes at night and pretended my head was pillowed on your shoulder, that I could hear your reassuring 'thump-thump-thump' of your heart, and your arm was pulling me close as you told me The Thing.

"Everything is going to be alright."

I imagined you saying that, over and over, as I slowed my own breath and pretended I would have a night of rest with no dreams. No nightmares. No terrors waking me at 2 AM. Just your deep voice penetrating my weary bones with assurance and love.

So, you see? You've been with me all along, even though we are apart. I hope that I have been as comforting to you as you have been to me. At least, that your thoughts and memories of me may have warmed your spirit as you have mine.

I hope this letter finds its way to you. That you can feel my fingers brush across the pages, forming each word for your eyes only. Press it to your cheek and know that I kissed the last line before turning it over and writing on the other side. I slept with it beneath my pillow before hiding it in the bird house- I knew you'd think to look there because this 'little bird' would find a way to leave you a message.

Can you feel me, love? With you, still? Is that a thing? Or maybe just my wish that somehow and some way we remain together? I can't

~

When they took you 'on assignment' we were still so naive, still telling ourselves that things would soon be righted, that the men would return. If I had known it was the last time I would have held you longer. I'm glad the last you saw of me was a smile- I tried to make it reach my eyes but I suppose you knew better.

We were prepared, as much as we could have been. If the electricity had remained steady all of the food in the freezer would have lasted me quite a while. I did what I could with it: cooked and shared with the neighbors so it still was of use to 0thers if not to me.

When the electricity stopped I lost the well, of course. Since we have the big trash cans I rigged a rain reservoir and made that work. I hauled water from the swamp and kept the garden going through the hot months, too. The mosquitos were confused by me being outside so often but glad enough to use me as food. I was so tired, though, that not even the itching from their bites could keep me awake.

That first year I was afraid not to be at home because people were searching all of the houses and stealing as many supplies as they could haul away. I put the boards on the windows and doors, like we had planned, and painted big red X's on them. I hid the car and the boat at the back of the yard, too, and pulled the trailer onto that grassy place in the swamp. In the Summer it wasn't visible, and in the winter the white tarps kept it hidden.

During the second year I started eating the food I'd set aside for you. I decided that when you came home you'd bring food with you, so it was OK. You would have laughed to see how much weight I was finally able to lose. I knew, I think, that it wouldn't matter.

All of those craft supplies came in handy. You and I kept up a conversation as I pieced together and hand sewed quilts. "see?", I'd say "I told you these would be useful someday!" Sometimes I was sure I heard you chuckle. Mostly I was afraid I never would again.

I finally read several shelf after shelf of our books. Quietly reading and turning the pages brought me closer to you: I'd pretend you were sitting in the recliner and reading one of that sci-fi series. Like old times, babe. Every time I finished one I'd put it in the Little Free Library, which by the way has had a steady stream of visitors since the public libraries were closed. The entire thing is now filled with books for adults, and it's no surprise that the many of the books never make their way back again once borrowed.

All except the 'banned books'; people are diligent to bring them back and keep them in circulation, along with the cook books, repair manuals, and gardening advice.

They are even leaving letters tacked to the sides. I hung plastic from the roof to keep them dry. Now that the post offices are closed the little library in an unofficial message center. I was going to tack this letter there, too, once I finished but I didn't want it to be so public. Besides, honey, it's for your eyes only so it will go to the birds for safekeeping.

It's been five years now and I am going to die alone, aren't I? I'm sure that you'll be home soon and we'll laugh together once I get around to giving you this letter. Me and my melodrama, right?

It's just that this cough won't go away, and sometimes there's blood on the handkerchief after an especially bad spell. The medicine is only for the young people now, the 'productive members' of society. I suppose I understand that, maybe I would feel the same way if I was still a young woman. But I'm not.

You always told me that my ability to face the facts and tell the truth was my greatest strength. So that's what I'm going to do. Face the facts.

Maybe you will one day turn the bend to our home, see the garden and the bird boxes, and find this letter. Maybe we will no longer live in a dictatorship and the people will once again have a voice in the government. Maybe. Maybe I'll still be here to see you.

But, Karl; if I'm not? If I'm not I'll be sleeping on your side of the bed, under a quilt I made out of your flannels and work shirts. Each step was a comfort because I pretended they still smelled of you.

Just know that my happiest days were when we were together.

I'll love you forever- I loved you All the Way,

Jess