Dear Jasper

**I decided to write a letter from during the COVID pandemic as that is what brought me back to myself and to you guys here on Vocal. I hope you enjoy it.**

January 11th, 2021

Dear Jasper,

It’s been a long time. I’m sorry to reach out like this, but I’m really not doing okay. It’s been years since we last spoke, yet you’re the person I find myself needing to talk to. I honestly don’t know how else to contact you except through email.

So many years have passed. I’ve tried writing you countless letters over the years. It feels like just yesterday I was sitting next to my awkward high school best friend. When I first met you, I knew I needed you in my life.

I still find myself wanting to ask how you're doing whenever I think of you. I’ve always cared about your mental well-being, and especially now, with everything going on in the world, I can't help but wonder how you're holding up. You’ve always been such a history buff, and now we’re living through things we used to read about in class. That still blows my mind.

I’ll never forget one of the worst days I had with my anxiety- the first day of high school. It was that Grade 9 English class. You were sitting next to a friend from elementary school, and I just knew we were going to be friends. Do you remember when he almost crashed his car into your garage door years later? I do. I remember everything.

I struggled so much with my social anxiety throughout high school—silent and deadly. It’s a curse that still lingers today, but that’s beside the point. I don’t know how to reach out for help during this pandemic. I just feel so alone, and I’m going through a lot. I guess I just need a friend.

You once told me you’d send me long handwritten letters. You promised. I often wonder if you’ve forgotten that promise, or if that’s why you can’t look me in the eyes anymore.

You broke my heart, Jasper. But I guess we both broke promises to each other over the years. I’ve always wanted to thank you, but I’ve never been able to say the words. So, thank you. Thank you for leading me to the person I’m with now.

Thank you for teaching me that it’s okay to accept a breakup. Thank you for showing me that sometimes, the longer you wait to break up with someone, the more it hurts them. You taught me that closure isn’t always a thing. You taught me it’s okay to forgive people and move on at the same time.

Every April, I think about our first real lesson with suicide. I can’t remember the details all that well because I’ve blocked out some of the harder parts, but receiving a goodbye message from someone you love is never easy. I’ll never forget how you showed up for him—and for me—during that time. I think about it often, and I don’t know if I’ve ever properly thanked you for being there.

Losing you after high school was incredibly hard. There’s always felt like unfinished business between us. I didn’t want to admit how much I missed you until now. I’ve kept the memories we shared close to my heart. When I look at our old photos, I realize just how in love we were, even if we didn’t say it. Maybe the timing was just off. I’ve asked myself that a lot over the years. Maybe it was my undiagnosed bipoalr disorder that officially wrecked our friendship. Now that I am medicated, and in therapy, I know now it was that.

I’m so grateful for the kindness you showed at our friend's funeral. I’ll never forget that, even if it was forced. That day was one of the hardest of my life for many reasons, and your kindness really stuck with me. Even though we weren’t on the best terms, it meant a lot. Please know, the kindness you shared was so necessary for me, and I’ll never forget it.

I’m sorry for reaching out like this during such a strange time in my life. I just didn’t know who else to contact.

I love you. I always have. You were my person.

Please respond- I’m not okay right now.

Love always,

Violet

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January 15th, 2021

Dear Violet,

It has been years. I don't really know where to start with your last email.

Can we meet for coffee sometime soon? I promise, you'll get your handwritten letter then.

You mean everything to me. Thank you for being my friend back in the day. I wanted to reach out too, I just didn't know how.

You're absolutely right, we are living in history books right now and I am ecstatic over that.

I truly don't know how to help but I want to. I want to help you. I promise I did not mean to break your heart. I am proud of you and your mental health. I see it now, it was bipolar disorder the whole time. I wish I knew then what I knew now. I wish I knew how to help.

Please know that I’ve always cared, even if I didn’t show it in the way you deserved. Time has a funny way of teaching us lessons, and I am grateful for the ones it’s taught me about myself, you, and the world around us. You are so strong Violet, and I admire the way you've navigated everything with such grace.

I'll be waiting for your reply.

From,

Jasper

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Thank you for reading this imaginary letter exchange.

I truly hated the pandemic as I went through so much during that time period. I was struggling with post-partum depression, and a new-found bipolar disorder diagnosis. I was suicidal back then and I did not react appropriately to how things were happening in my life. I wish my current self could go back in time and hug my younger self and tell her she's handling life much better than she realized. Life changes you in funny ways... You're never stuck, you're never alone.

Chloe Rose Violet🌹