Battling myself.

Growing up, I thought of myself outside of average. I hated the confines of “woman” and the expectations of society. For a time, during my youth, I lived outside those societal standards. But without even noticing it, I found myself roped into those conventions, worrying about the day-to-day minutiae, forgetting that I wanted to be “outside the box,” that I once prided myself on my unconformity.

Today, I consistently struggle with my thoughts, the stresses of the modern era. I battle over my identity, my purpose. Wanting to run away from my mind, I find solace and escape in fiction. Losing myself in another world. Every evening, I cannot keep away from my bookshelf or my television, even if it’s a story I’ve visited before. To battle the insomnia, I will often insert myself into some kind of story and imagine my life in a fantasy world or a past life.

“If I lived during Medieval times, I would have tried to battle the confines of womanhood. I would have done everything in my power to become a knight.” Would I have though? Considering the evolution I have made into the person I am today, I would have likely lived the life of any average woman during the Middle Ages. I would have pursued an education and then reverted to some kind of domestic life. But how uninspiring. Today, I’m a knight.

As I opened my eyes against the bright sun pouring through the window, I felt a sense of dreadful excitement. What was I so excited about? That’s right, training! My very first day. I convinced William to let me train with him. But what would mother say? She was always mad at me for getting dirt on my clothes and ignoring my household duties to run off with all of the boys. She called it unbefitting of a lady. But being a lady sounded dull. I quickly put on some clothes and snuck downstairs for a quick breakfast. I snatched up some bread and darted outside before mother could catch me.

William lived in town and was the youngest of his brothers who had all gone off to be knights. His eldest brother Gerald was home for a time and had offered to train him and William had extended the offer to me. I ran through the fields until I reached the edge of town. It was still early and the town waking up, but I walked through the streets until I came to his house. I heard the sound of clashing wood and wondered around to the back of the house. William, as eager as I had been, was already sparring with Gerald. He charged clumsily as Gerald took swift, decisive strikes that kept William out of striking distance. I eagerly stood by as Gerald offered instruction and then he nimbly unarmed William and turned towards me.

“You must be William’s friend.” I nodded a bit shyly but stuck out my hand for a handshake. Instead he offered up a wooden sword. “Your turn.” It was heavier than I had anticipated but in the hopes of surprising out new tutor I immediately swung it at his knees. He parried quickly with a small chuckle and our sparring match began.

For several months, William and I trained with Gerald until he was sent away. Then we trained with each other. As time went on, my mother became more frustrated with my lack of sensibilities, but her complaints fell on deaf ears. My desire to become a knight never waivered, so I left home. William and I went in search of Gerald, who was righteously furious with us, but took us under his wing nevertheless. We squired and trained and adventured. We battled beasts, witnessed magic and experienced the wonders of foreign lands. The world was more big and grand than I had ever imagined. Becoming a knight had been everything I had dreamed of and more.

Today, I am a knight. Even if it means battling my own mind, my own reality, I will take charge. Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll try to be a knight once more.