Why I felt related to Chainsaw Man?

It has already been one year, several days, weeks, and half a month since the anime series Chainsaw Man appeared on Crunchyroll. It was after the manga by Tatsuki Fujimoto and it was published in 2018. It has become a popular manga ever since. I hadn't got the manga when it came out. But, I was beginning to love art and how badass it can be, to be honest, until I finally had a chance to get a copy in early 2023. On November 6th, 2023, it had ranked at #1 on The New York Times's latest monthly Graphic Books and Manga bestseller list! It's a massive success!

Back during the pandemic for 2-3 years, I tried to reconnect with anime/manga, and other things I love. I also tried to do new stuff as much as I could. Disconnected with interests and hobbies and then later, reconnecting with them at the same time has never been so easy. Making friends, meeting new people, and reconnecting with others I haven't reached was also still challenging. But, it can be exciting. Trying something new was also exciting, but tricky. Finding the right path was even much harder in reality. Being human and having self-compassion is always a real-life struggle—-even my therapist agreed.

From September to early October 2022, it has been mind-blowing from the start.

When I began to watch a few episodes, I began to relate to Denji and tried to understand the story more. However, I don't want to make it too personal, too much information, or oversharing with others, and of course, no spoilers as possible.

Like Denji, in the past, I had never had a good experience with human connections including communicating, dating, and relationships. I have always been an outcast ever since. I had been treated differently like ‘a dog’ during my school life while I grew up as a ‘special ed’ kid due to my developmental delayed/learning issues. I was born and raised in the poor and conservative States from West Virginia to Tennessee to Kentucky to Mississippi. I never had a good experience expressing myself and never had much positive attention from others, even myself. My education system was very odd because of the ableism.

Yes, life has never been very easy.

About the financial issues(like Denji’s poverty crisis, except selling organs), I had been experiencing some downsizing personally. That includes during divorce, beginning to move to a different house/state after graduation, when my niece and nephew were growing up(way fast), the student loans, and helping my siblings’ businesses.

About his traits, I can be much different and sometimes similar to Denji. Unlike him, I'm not extremely immature, not just because I'm emotional, but when I'm getting too excited with awesome stuff like a baby who's ready to explore the world. I can be gullible like him sometimes. I can be naive and empathic. I also cannot be played or fooled by anyone including being controlled or catfished especially when I have been through serious trust issues. I am a highly sensitive person with strong emotions.

For years, I've been trying my best to have a ‘normal life’ like others do, especially being a good friend/sister/daughter/aunt/niece/cousin, etc. But sadly, mine was overwhelming and complicated, even though I tried not to take things too personally, including my disorders(PMDD). My psyche and thoughts are still wired and devastated because of the bleakness and stressful reality including when the entire globe was falling apart or when there were true colors behind my back. I don't know if it's true that my existence was a mistake for many reasons(What if Denji has this thought too). I'm not sure if I failed for many reasons or if I'm still in the process/process and healing because of the struggles and things that I have learned and grown.

Like Denji(and even Asa), I always feared connection (not just because of the long distance), but because of my parents’ divorce, ghosting, and some people I know had been betrayed after marriage. I do want to have a connection to someone I adore. I also wanted to belong and be loved. Sadly, the reality is that I'm nothing but an alien because my emotions are too strong for humans. My disorders will causing bad relationships permanently…. But for Asa, I also been struggling with suicidal thoughts/thoughts of death since middle school to high school(during 2000s).

On the other hand, For example, if I was making a mistake or overstepping a boundary no matter how big or small it was- a major punishment will appear. That's also one of the things that I felt surrounded by being a ‘good girl’ phase. I also don't like being controlled by others. I didn't like controlling others either. Nobody should be controlled by anyone. During my lifetime, I always get more ashamed rather than understanding if I ever get or make mistakes, whether it's big or small. It’s like a warning ‘YOURE A BAD GIRL!’ THEY HATE YOU!’ Yes, the ‘good girl’ syndrome and infantilization are both of my top weaknesses.

About his family(not biologically), Pochita, Meowy, Power, Aki, and even Nayuta were the most precious moments to Denji. I understand family it’s important, but it can be complicated and difficult. It's like how much Denji is close to them so deeply and how much Denji really wants to have a fun, loving, and happy family. I know it sounds weird. It reminds me of Denji myself, my cat is like Pochita/Meowy, my big brother is Aki, my sister is Power, and even my niece and nephew remind me of Nayuta.

Unlike Deni, however, I don't like being rude and too harsh to others. Sadly, I had been harsh to myself most of my life. I can be sweet, but I can be salty/sour sometimes depending on how my reactions are and what my moods are. I always hated being lazy(same thing when I couldn't handle lazy people) when the things I was supposed to do included chores, especially my mental health issues. If I don't, I feel guilty. Instead of being lazy, I need some time to chill and relax. On the other hand, I have an issue with sensory overload, a neurodivergent brain, and burnout. So, I have to get myself as rested as possible.

What are my favorite moments from Chainsaw Man? There were so many, to be honest, they were all awesome! I mostly love the scenes with Denji and Pochita, especially the flashbacks and when Pochita talks to Denji about his dreams. I love it when Denji is really enjoying new food and singing while taking a bath. I love it when Denji was fighting Ali and then power fought each other like buddies and siblings. I loved it when Denji totally nailed the Bat Devil, Leech Devil, and Eternity Devil. You name it!

Which songs do you like in the series? I always love ‘KICK BACK’ by Kenshi Yonezu and ‘Chainsaw Blood’ by VAUNDY… but I like all of them. They're all really amazing!

What do you think about this series lately even if it's already been a year? I really loved it! The animation and design were incredibly lovely and awesome at the same time.The casts were terrific. The music score is wickedly cool. I really can't wait for more in the future.

I know 2023 has already ended. I still hope things will get better. I'm still terrified in 2024. I know that I am still in the process, even though it’s not perfect- and that’s okay. Just like everyone including my therapist said and agreed with these words-

Life will always be nonlinear, not a perfect straight line. My successes and failures will decline and flow on this journey. I shouldn't punish myself if I’m not yet where I want to be.

I know the fandom of every community can be complicated.. I’m Thankful to all creators, the studios, and also the entire cast of Chainsaw Man for everything working so hard and making the show alive.

I'm really looking forward to hearing and seeing more of the next season, hopefully, and of course new chapters of the manga.

Happy Anniversary Chainsaw Man! ‘It's nuts or nothing’!

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