The War On Christmas

Day #1

My Dearest Sally,

We landed our forces in the North Pole today, and met heavy resistance from the elves, who were firmly entrenched and waiting for our arrival with candied pecan machine guns, long ranged candy canes, and vicious snowmen. After nearly 12 hours of brutal combat, we managed to unwrap their brightly colored pill boxes and drive them back. Not before we lost "South Boston," though. He threw himself on a box of cordials to save the rest of the squad. I can still hear his last words echoing above the sound of various artist's recorded Christmas Carols, "Remembah me, you bahstahds!". He died a hero,covered in melted chocolate and cheap booze.

Tomorrow we face the Santa's legendary 2nd Cute Urchin Division. We're all very nervous and there is much trepidation among the men, as none of us has ever had to shoot a cute, half lame, British Street Urchin before.

It is only thoughts of returning to you that strengthen my resolve, as we march through this winter wonderland of cheerful music, joy,spiced cider and goodwill. I will continue to write to you as long as I am able, but, if I should fall, please, try to enjoy the season in as secular a fashion as possible.

~All My Love, Johnny Goodboy

Day #2

My Dearest Sally,

We are lucky to be alive today.

The Urchins surrendered readily at the promise of hot food, clean clothes, and prosthetic limbs, but, almost immediately after we'd cleared them from the front, we were ambushed by thousands Black of Nativity performers. With all the dancing, and choruses of "Go Tell It On The Mountain" there was terrible chaos as we attempted to fight through. Fortunately, "Curie," our Lieutenant, a Scientist, and an Orthodox Atheist, rallied us with her deep and abiding hatred of the Baby Jesus, and we managed to rout our attackers, leaving only pseudo-African dance attire, and burning sheet music in our wake.

It's truly terrifying to see the influence the scourge of Christmas has had upon so many cultures! Spreading its message of peace and love, assuming that people would rather share joy and smile under its influence and no other. It's as if these Christians ( We call'em Chrazis ) believe Human Kindness can, and, should only exist for one month of the year, as a mandate from some invisible clone of Morgan Freeman, that lives in the sky! Sometimes, I simply don't understand why all this is necessary. Then I think of all those gay couples wishing to marry, the chronically ill and suffering who want only to be euthanized, or, the cute,little brown-eyed children who don't want to pray in school, and, I remember why I am here risking life and limb.

If it is meant to be, someday our children will live in such a Secular Progressive society.

Keep me in your thoughts, feed Fido, and tell little Bucky that I'll be back to play catch with him just as soon as I can.

All My Love, Johnny Goodboy

Day #3

My Dearest Sally,

Our enemies have turned to psychological warfare. The Sleigh Bells rang all night, we couldn't help but be listenin'. Several of the men snapped, babbling wildly about the "Jingling,Ring-ting-tingling," or," Riding along with a song of a wintery fairy land". I can still hear them hitting four part harmony as they were dragged off.

I've seen such horrible things since this all began, Sally. 50 year old, stop motion animation Christmas specials, burned on the retinas of the poor bastards indoctrinated by the Chrazis, people strangled in tangled masses of cheerfully blinking lights, or, their bodies posed among lawn decorations, and adorned with ornaments (Elves are sick little bastards!).

The Chrazis have done worse than that, though. Today we came upon an Island Of Misfit Toys. Apparently, they simply round up all the toys they think boys and girls won't want and place them in forced labor camps, from which many never return. There were pacifist toy soldiers, flightless toy planes, trains with square wheels, butch Barbies, and other gender ambiguous dolls, all begging us to find them homes where children might love them. It was such a horrible sight, that even the strongest among us were shaken.

We push forward into the Christmas Tree Forest tomorrow, but after having witnessed today's horrors, we can't imagine what awaits us. Even as I write this letter, I can hear the sleigh bells jingling in the distance. Suddenly, for the first time you seem far enough away that I wonder if I will ever see you again.

Tell mother and father to try not to worry about me, and remember that I love you all, no matter what happens. But, here, between the people I love, and rampant, cheery, singing, smiling, red and green, tyranny is where I have chosen to be.

All My Love, Johnny Goodboy

Day#5

My Dearest Sally,

I'm sorry to have missed two days writing to you, but escaping the Christmas Tree Forest proved to be more difficult than any of us could have imagined.

The soldiers from Humbug Company, or "Humbuggers", as they like to be called, arrived as scheduled, and, with their help avoiding booby traps, we were making swift progress through the forest. But, the forces of Christmas must have been watching, because they attacked in force as we set up camp yesterday evening.

The first wave was sabre wielding elves on reindeerback. They were so fast and maneuverable that they were on us at almost the same time our watch sound the alarm. Fortunately, the Humbuggers managed to hold us together. With their help, and the timely use of artillery we blunted charge after charge. It may have been the first truly spectacular battle we've been in. Elves screaming their praises to Santa, flares and explosions illuminating the sky, reindeer parts flying to and fro, and, the smell of burning firs.

After the Elf Cavalry, we were assaulted by an infantry of the cutest stop motion animation characters you've ever seen! Wave upon wave of doe eyed children, bunnies, baby reindeer, foxes, and, even Babies New Year! They just kept coming!

"Jersey Shore" was overrun, and decorated to death, while helping us close a break in the line. He was all unintelligible drunken babbling, and fist pumps until the very end.

Finally, exhausted from days of fighting, and, low on ammunition, we prepared ourselves for the next wave. Even the Humbuggers weren't sure how much longer we could hold the line. We could hear them singing "Holly Jolly Christmas" as they prepared another onslaught, then, from above, we heard guitar music, Spanish singing, and the sound of engines from above.

Carlos Santana's Air Corps had come to our rescue! They dropped a number of odd smelling smoke bombs on the Stop Motion's lines, creating enough confusion for us to mount a counter offensive, and rout them to the last bunny!

I can't tell you how happy we were to see those planes! Later on we learned that they had simply been passing by on a "Delivery" to Amsterdam, and, being freaked out by the all the animated characters, decided to help us out.

Hopefully, if our luck holds out, this damnable war will be over soon and I'll be back home with you, our friends and family in Happysmiles Grove.

All My Love, Johnny Goodboy