‘Red Notice’ Might Be the Worst Movie of the Year

Red Notice is an action-comedy starring Dwayne Johnson, Ryan Reynolds, and Gal Gadot — three people whose movies I generally avoid.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson might have definite star power but he has a track record of starring in terrible films, usually mindless Disney fluff or inoffensive PG-13 action vehicles (gone are the days when he would take an actual risk, like starring in Richard Kelly’s goofy dystopian science fiction film, Southland Tales).

I’ve enjoyed the occasional Ryan Reynolds film, but honestly, I think I’ve had enough of his comedy schtick. Maybe in a decade or so, I’ll watch Deadpool 25, or something.

Gal Gadot, bless her heart, has never impressed me as a performer. Sure, she looks convincing in an action sequence, but her acting range, at least from what I’ve seen, seems limited to ‘looking cool’. Admittedly, I’ve only seen her in a few films. I’ve seen her in some forgettable comedy with Jon Hamm (at least I think it was Jon Hamm). I think she was in one of the Fast and Furious films — no idea which one, and I honestly don’t care. I do remember seeing her in Batman v Superman, and I remember she was throwing a lasso around. I’ve also seen her in the baffling theatrical cut of Justice League. (Sorry guys, I’m not going to watch the four-hour Zack Snyder cut, I simply cannot do that to myself.) Reportedly, she’s much better in Wonder Woman, the first film at least.

Then why did I watch Red Notice? Well, occasionally I go against my better judgment. I figured it was Saturday night, the perfect time for some throwaway entertainment. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad. There was a murmur of this being Netflix’s most ‘expensive’ movie — a report that surely wasn’t some marketing ploy from Netflix itself. But the point still stands: if they threw away this much money on a film, it can’t be that bad, can it?

Oh yes, it can. It’s so bad in fact that I’m actively writing this review just to dissuade people from watching it. I wasn’t supposed to write a review, but after seeing it, I just can’t bear the thought of it receiving anymore streaming attention. You could say that this review is my way of doing a public service.

Whatever you do, don’t watch Red Notice. It’s not worth it. It’s nearly two hours of your life you can never get back — I just realized I could have finally watched David Fincher’s Mank instead! What in God’s name am I doing with my life?

The MacGuffins of the plot are three golden eggs, which used to belong to the legendary queen Cleopatra. The three eggs are scattered all over the globe. One of the eggs is the subject of a museum unveiling in Rome. FBI Profiler, John Hartley (Johnson), knowing the egg will be the target of master thieves, arrives there to keep an eye on it.

In front of a crowd of onlookers, Hartley proves that the golden egg has already been switched, thanks to the mechanizations of wise-cracking master criminal Nolan Booth (who is naturally played by Reynolds). For some inexplicable reason, Nolan runs away from the crowd of people, making him immediately a suspect.

Eventually, Nolan is caught in his remote hideout in Bali. Since he’s been wanted in numerous countries all over Europe, he’s taken to a secluded prison somewhere in the mountains of Russia. Soon enough, the egg is stolen once again by another master thief, called The Bishop (Gadot).

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