I Was Thinking About Quitting Vocal...
The 'Sleepless Nights' Series
I have to admit it, there was once in the very recent past where I was thinking about quitting the platform altogether. A couple of years ago, I went on a year-long hiatus from Vocal and my account dormantly made a couple of hundred pound. But, I was actually thinking about shutting down my account and leaving the platform a few weeks' ago and there were a few things I had to reason with. There were a few points I actively had to convince myself were not really reasons at all to quit the platform.
1: It's Kind of Exhausting
People don't see the work that goes into my reviews. I release one every single day and so, it becomes a cycle of people reading them and me not knowing whether they actually mean anything in the grand scheme of things. I think people believe that my reviews spring up out of nowhere but I wish I could show you how I go through my work, changing words that are too harsh, too emotional, repetitive or even the words I liked one day, but don't like the next.
Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that my existence revolves around books (even though the people in my real life probably don't like it so much), but sometimes I just wonder whether it is worth making what is basically a brand of myself. I initially started doing thing because I wanted to make friends. But...
2: I'm Not a Sociable Person
I think a lot of people have realised both on the internet and off that I'm not particularly a very sociable person and I can get very tired of talking to people and being present. I've never really known what 'being present' means and I often get irritated by being in the real world too much. But recently (in the last few years) I have become more prominent on the internet. Now that I have made friends on the internet, I am unfortunately finding the same thing happen. I enjoy my alone time, which is one of the reasons I get lost in books more often than I'd like the admit.
Again, don't misinterpret this. This doesn't mean I don't like you. This simply means that I become exhausted with social interaction at a rate I honestly think is unbelievable. I can cut off text conversations from friends with a simple 'can we stop texting now?' and end phone calls with people I know with a 'can you put the phone down now?' and sometimes it comes off as abrasive. But I'm simply exhausted and I'm asking permission to not continue with this because I'm psychologically tired.
Apart from this though, are the ways in which I can think about myself, so thus I feel the...
3: Self-Doubt and Other Terrible Emotions
Self-doubt has plagued my Vocal life. From my misdirected attempts at poetry (which I have to admit I often find laughable, especially in the recent years), or my book reviews where a character has upset me and I become very emotional. I don't open up easily and some of my friends can go entire years without even knowing the kind of music I listen to. I've opened up on Vocal to a large audience in a sort of against-my-will kind of way. I know that I have to if I want an audience, but my crippling self-doubt often makes me believe that I don't fit in. This is really because I don't fit in with my family, I don't fit in with my friends, I don't really fit in anywhere in real life. I have often tried to make Vocal a home, but I still have these anxieties that plague my thoughts.
The idea of the 'black sheep' has often burrowed its way into the different aspects of my existence. Hobbies which include coin collecting, researching how autopsies are done, writing poetry on a phone during car journeys, listening to scary podcasts and watching old German movies aren't often those you would find of a millennial woman. I'm very odd and some people have said that I'm not odd in a good way, but in an odd way. I'm not 'quirky' or 'cool-weird', I'm just odd. The good news is, I have actually found a home on Vocal. I've loved it here and even though I am odd, there have been a great number of things that have happened on this platform both with me and people I have come to care about.
Conclusion
And that's why I haven't quit. It's not really just because I've found a bit of a home here, it's because there are people I care about on this platform. I really do believe I have friends who don't judge me for being odd. And that's all I ask.
About the Creator
Annie Kapur
I am:
🙋🏽♀️ Annie
📚 Avid Reader
📝 Reviewer and Commentator
🎓 Post-Grad Millennial (M.A)
***
I have:
📖 280K+ reads on Vocal
🫶🏼 Love for reading & research
🦋/X @AnnieWithBooks
***
🏡 UK
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Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!
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Heartfelt and relatable
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By Alexandrea Callaghan15 days ago in Geeks
Comments (15)
I'm happy that you have decided to stay! Congrats on your Honorable Mention!
Wooohooooo congratulations on your Leaderboard placement! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
I think you are awesome to the extreme. Everything you said is totally relatable for me! The few people in my real life think I'm beyond weird-- pathetic. They have no appreciation for my writing. When I won the challenge not long ago, not a single person was happy for me... except my friends on Vocal. I understand how much work is never unseen by the audience, how much work goes into writing and editing and researching. Forgive unsolicited advice but you might want to decrease your output? Give yourself breathing space. Sometimes, it seems to me also, that when a writer puts out a lot of material, readers with read more sporadically-- some but rarely all of what's being published. I found this through the Leaderboard. I was concerned when I saw you were considering leaving Vocal. *I* would certainly miss you. Love & Light to you, mate, from one oddball to another. ⚡💙 Bill ⚡
You are beautiful, just the way you are! 😊
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being odd. We are all different. In fact, I will revise "odd" to unique. I understand not being sociable. Some people simply enjoy alone time more than constant communication, whether it's in person, on the phone, or whatever. I happen to love my alone time and am not a fan of phones. I have because I need it. I am glad you are still here. Sending hugs!
First, I am glad you did not leave. I was a fanatic book such as yourself. I rather read than be around people . I love people but I also cannot be around people too long. My energy drain. You be you, if it make you happy. 😊 Most people anyone hang out off the internet usually have no interest in reading friends stories. Its not that they would not like your review, its not their interest.
Aww, you are you! I LOVE your reviews. Just be you! It takes me a long time to publish something, as I go over it, rewrite it, and spend hours selecting the perfect picture. I found myself overdoing it on Vocal with reading and commenting, and felt like I was in a competition. So I quit doing that. Book reviews are challenging to write well, and you are our expert! You could try not posting a review each day for more calm? ❤️ Hugs to you!!
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I hear you, Annie, and your frustrations are so valid. I just want to say that although I haven’t been super active on here for a couple of weeks, I see and have always seen how much work you pour into your reviews, and I have always been so admiring of it and even wondered how in the hell you do it! And I know what you mean about treasuring your time alone and away from others and from reality, I’m the same way—especially with not knowing how to feel present, that hit me right in the soul. It’s the reason I haven’t been able to really make and keep a lot of friends, I think; it’s hard to stay rooted to our actual present, have the right reactions around others, etc. We all have our strange ways of going about existing, I think some are just more socially acceptable than others. It doesn’t mean they aren’t just as strange. :) All in all, I’d be very sad if you left Vocal. You’re one of my favorite writers on here and you bring such a unique yet consistent archive of work, whether it’s your amazing reviews or your more analytical pieces about literature, or your poetry. Have you ever thought about publishing less often? Maybe you’re feeling a bit burnt out by it all. Much love, Annie! ♥️
👏✌️ i have the same sociability issues. Before I started up using these platforms I had never considered the difference between writing to the universe and writing directly to other people. It makes a huge difference. Making comments and writing emails is essentially the same as having a real world conversation. Exhausting.
Nothing wrong with being odd. I'd say we're all a bit nutty, stick around Annie!
Such an honest and relatable piece. I often have the same thoughts myself about exhaustion, self-doubt, and whether it’s worth continuing. Like you, I’ve also found a bit of a home here on Vocal, and it makes such a difference knowing there are people who accept us just as we are.
Stay, scribble, and share! Just don't leave us (me?) alone here. ❤️💙🌹
Gurl, I know how difficult it is to write a review, and that's why I've never written one. You on the other hand write excellent reviews, so I know how exhausted you would feel. I want you to know that it is okay to take a break when it all feels too heavy. It's okay if you don't publish everyday. There's so rule and no one would judge you. If they do, send them my way, I'll bash their faces in. Come here, let me tell you a secret. All of us here on Vocal are black sheeps. That's why we get along so well. So stay here with the herd. Take a break when necessary. Maybe reduce your publishing frequency. That for sure would help
Thanks for sharing this, and I have been there many times. I know I am virtually invisible to Vocal and most creators, but the friends I have made, including you Annie, have helped me see my own worth. Also the platform is the best one there is for sharing our work, in my opinion, so I will not be going anywhere