I Just Witnessed the Greatest Spectacle of All Time & It Wasn't Even Real

Rocky II (Review)

The Fictional Fight of the Century

There ain’t gonna be a rematch? And you don’t want one?

Well, I'm afraid you fellas haven't read your Hollywood contracts. It clearly states on Page 33, in bold print, that there's always a rematch. So, I want you boys to get ready for Creed v. Balboa II: The battle to find out who runs the Animal Kingdom.

Now unless you've been trapped under a boulder for 45 years, I think it's safe to say that we all know the outcome of that battle by now but let me fire up the old projector so we can re-live one of the classic pieces of cinema together.

And we're all fired up and ready to go.

I see the lion roaring again. I almost called him a tiger. I hope he's not offended. Here come the horns followed by the trumpets.

We're picking right up where Creed & Balboa last left off as a video package is shown of the fight between the two from the first bout.

LMAO at Mickey telling Rocky to stay down in the first fight.

Mickey was like,

"we already got the money, you bum! Stay down."

I mentioned about how bad Rocky's eye looked in the last post but both of Apollo's eyes look equally fucked up. Both of these men will need to see an optometrist, pronto.

The instrumental they play during the recap was phenomenal. It really does give you that real fight feel.

Watching this recap, you can tell that Creed's the superior fighter. He just got old and "civilized" which I'll elaborate further on in a later post.

This is also when the Rocky subtitle part of his career started kicking in.

That must've been some ass-whipping these two gave each other because Rocky got beat so badly that you can't understand what the fuck he's saying anymore. It sounds like he has a mouthful of moth balls when he speaks.

Here we are back to present day. Well, present day in 79' as we see Rocky getting carried away in an ambulance to a local hospital.

That disco instrumental they played during the trip was rather funky. The Disco era gets a bad rap for whatever reason but it really did produce some amazing music.

That ambulance driver is driving all over the road. Geez, is that Ray Charles driving that mofo?!

As the ambulance's traveling, we get a glimpse of the heart of the city in Philly. I like the whole grit & grind of 1970's Philly. The cinematography's incredible once again.

Rocky's being rolled in a wheelchair as the media's around him asking him questions and taking pictures. I would think the shutter from those cameras would make his eyes even worse.

Here comes Creed, also in a wheelchair. You can tell that Weathers based a lot of his character on boxing legend, Muhammad Ali.

Creed's adamant about giving Balboa another title shot but Rocky officially announces his "retirement."

Man, if I had a nickel for everytime I heard an athlete say that, I would be one rich motherfucker.

Apollo's wife's fine as fuck.

I don't think I would've been as angry at Rocky when having that pretty, little mama around.

I would've been like,

"I'll deal with the Italian Stallion later. Right now, I want some of that brown sugar bombshell."

Paulie's finally going to get that job with Gazzo that he's been pestering Rocky about as a nurse comes in and makes him leave. She also gets an autograph from Rocky for her son.

Rocky enters Apollo's hospital room and asks him if he gave him his best and Apollo lets him know that he did.

Rocky with his newfound fame and financial success is looking to invest. These people are promising him that he's going to double his income which we all know will probably be the opposite.

Rocky turned them down in a very playful way. I have to give it to Rock; He's a whole lot smarter then he looks.

Rocky and Adrian go for a walk at a zoo where he proposes marriage to her which she accepts.

Rocky's so elated that he invites a tiger to the wedding.

Be careful, Rocky. He might hold you to that.

We see the two getting married at a church with all their closest friends around. All 4 of them including that woman with an attitude who worked with Adrian down at the pet shop.

The ditsy broad, who was giving Rocky a hard time is now asking him if he wants to buy into the pet store. SMH!

After the way she interacted with him, I wouldn't be surprised if he told her to fuck off.

Then, this woman has the nerve to throw an Apollo Creed type of jab at him when he passed up on her offer so that he can do commercials.

Bitch?! If you don't get gone?!

Check this out though!

Rocky had a 150,000 dollar offer to fight Creed but ended up only pocketing 37,000 dollars. Where the hell did the rest of the money go?! No wonder why some of these guys go broke.

Gazzo's making Rocky an offer he can't refuse on buying into condominiums which Rocky says that he never uses.

Rocky's a riot. I can see a standup career in the distant future for him.

Rocky's carrying Adrian in his arms all the way home.

I don't know bout that, Rock. After a bone-crushing fight with Creed, I think I would've split a cab with the little mama THEN carried her over the threshold.

We get an appearance from Stallone's real-life bro, Frank and his doo-wop crew.

Rocky tells the fellas that he and his lady just got "murried" and that's not a typo. That's actually how he pronounced it. Rocky asks them to sing something for the newly, married couple which they oblige.

They arrive home as Butkus is in their bed. I guess he might've wanted in on some of the action. Rocky makes him get out the bed.

Rocky picks Adrian up again and carries her to the bed.

Alright Rock. We know you're strong. You can stop showing off now.

And enough with all the lovey dovey stuff and the mellow music. Just fuck her already.

Question: After making love, what's the next thing an athlete wants to do after he's made some money? Blow his dough on shit he doesn't need which is what Rocky begins to do.

Rocky buys a car as Adrian advises against it.

She asks him if he even knows how to drive and he answers her question with a question which is never good. Hang in there Adrian & Butkus because it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Rocky's blowing through money like pop stars blew through Peruvian-grade Coke in the 1980's.

Um, bruh? Have you ever heard of a savings account? How about some CD's or some stocks & bonds? This cat's buying overpriced cars, watches and coats.

He even brought one of those expensive collars for Butkus.

Even Butkus is looking at the dude like, "you're doing entirely too much." I believe Butkus is starting to think that all the pups were right; He is a bum.

Butkus is holding on for dear life on that drive to their new home which looks the same as the last one. All they did was take a power washer to it and some Behr paint and hiked up the rent for good measure.

I must say that Adrian's wearing the hell out those boots though. Now Rock, that's good purchase right there but everything else………ehhhhh!

Adrian has some concerns about Rocky's spending habits. Rock, you should really listen to the woman.

Speaking of cribs, Apollo has one exquisite-looking pad. Kudos to him.

Of course, he's not enjoying it or the beautiful lady of the home right now because he's too busy reading negative fan mail about the fight.

Elsewhere, Rock's enjoying a game of stickball with the youngins in the neighborhood.

I was about to ask why Rocky was standing in front of the obstetrics/ gynecology door.

I was hoping that this man didn't get optometrist and obstetrician confused. He can't possibly be that dumb and no he's not. Adrian & Rocky are expecting their first child.

Rocky's doing this Beast aftershave commercial and is having difficulty reading his lines and this dumbass director isn't helping at all.

Oh, the things we put up with for a little change.

I cannot lie. This scene was funny as hell. Now, I'm not making fun of people who can't read; Just Rocky's reading.

You have to admit that Sylvester Stallone played the hell out this part. Everything was perfect. His slow drawl, his facial expressions and his quips.

The guy at the office asked him if he had a criminal record and Rocky was like, "nothing to brag about." That's hilarious.

Rocky lands a job at a meat-packing plant doing manual labor.

Now it wasn't exactly what he was looking for but when the rent's due, you will take any damn thing.

You got to give it to the Rockster though. He's one hell of a worker. He can't drive for shit but his work ethic's second to none.

The music they play when he's working at that meat plant is really cool. It really shows the plight of the working man set to a funky beat. Get ya groove on, Rock.

To be honest, I'd rather get punched in the face 500 times in a boxing match then to do that shit.

Oh, yeah. Rock gets canned but he stays and finishes out the day. Now if that ain't commitment then I don't know what is.

Seeing how that meat looks that they're hauling around makes me want to become a vegan. It just doesn't look edible at all.

Now Rocky's down on hard times but he doesn't want to admit it and ends up offering to sell his car to Paulie. Paulie agrees to take the car but I don't ever remember seeing any exchange of currency here.

Maybe Paulie's going to take on the rest of the car note? Shrugs.

Paulie was eating the hell out that snow cone. I hadn't had one of those things in ions. Paulie does offer Rocky a ride though. That's mighty thoughtful of him.

Rocky's thinking about fighting again because of the money problems but Adrian advises against it. She tells Rocky that she will get a job. Rocky doesn't want her to at first but he eventually gives in.

Rocky heads to Mickey's house to ask him about training him again for a return to the ring with Butkus in tow.

Wait?! Does he have Butkus on a rope? The man's so poor that he even had to sell the dog's chain. TRAGIC! TRAGIC! There's some bonus points for whomever can guess what show that comes from. (in a Leah Remini font)

Mickey scared the hell out of me coming around the corner with a baseball bat. They must have a lot of crime in that area.

As Mickey's talking, you can see all the spit flying out of his mouth in the scene.

No wonder why Rocky's keeping his distance. Meredith was one of those juicy-mouthed cats that Jamie Foxx talked about in his standup back in the day.

You know, the people that spit when they talk and after they get done, it feels like you've just been to a Brooklyn car wash.

Mikey gives him the whole, "you'll go blind" spiel if you fight again. I can feel for Rock here. He's a desperate man with a growing family.

Also, Mickey's a big-time prick.

He got all he wanted out of Balboa and when Balboa asks him for a favor, he tells him that he doesn't have what it takes anymore. Maybe, calling Mick a prick is rather harsh but he's certainly the ultimate opportunist to say the very least.

Mickey gives Rocky a job working down at the gym.

Apollo's trying to summon up ways to sell a rematch with Balboa, much to his trainer's chagrin.

He warns the champion that they don't need this kind of a man in their lives that can take that type of a beating and still keep coming. Apollo shrugs off his concerns and orders his team to do whatever it takes to get Balboa back in the ring against him.

Now, these backhanded tactics are not the most creative in the world.

The stallion chicken?! Really?! That's the best your team of highly, paid publicists can come up with?

This ad's placed in newspapers that end up at Mickey's gym.

One of the guys that handed the newspaper to Rocky has a back tattoo of a cross. This has to be the first time I've ever seen a guy rocking a tattoo in a movie.

The guy's also a bit of a dick with a jheri curl. How are you going to be a dick with a jheri curl though, sir?

Later, Rocky teaches an up-and-comer how to snarl his punches and empties a spit bucket.

I don't know if I could do that job especially with that low budget AC Slater-looking fool disrespecting me all the time.

He has one more time to throw a shot and then I'm jumping in that ring and throwing a few his way and at anybody else who wants some.

Gazzo comes to visit Rocky at Mickey's gym and talks to him about working for him once again.

You would've thought that Gazzo was in a blizzard in Antarctica from all that cold air that was coming out of his mouth in this scene.

Rocky declines his offer as the two shake on it. Gazzo points to a picture of Rocky on the wall as a fighter before he leaves.

Rocky heads to check up on Adrian down at the pet shop.

Adrian's dog-tired here. Dog-tired? Get it? Pet shop? Dogs? Pet shop has dogs? I'll be here all year long, my good folks.

Rocky tells a joke to Adrian which was even more cornier then the one I just told above. They end up going home together.

As Adrian's locking up the pet store, Rock gets hassled by a few lowlifes who are about a mile away which Rocky pays no mind.

Rocky hangs out with his turtles when he gets home but even they're telling him,

"why don't you fight again, Rock so we can get some decent food?!"

Brent Musburger on the call. I haven't heard that phrase in awhile. He has an exclusive interview with the World Heavyweight Champion, Apollo Creed and Rock turns the tv on just in time to see it.

He watches on with Butkus as Butkus' sliding all over the wooden floor. Even Butkus is asking Rock,

"why don't you fight again?!" Ruffff, rufffff.

On the subject of Musburger, I had to google to find out if he was still living.

Some of these celebs have been dropping like flies as of late so I'm glad to see that he's still walking around in this world with us.

Apollo's calling out Rocky to get him back in the ring when we get a glimpse of Mickey's feet as he's watching the telecast.

Damn! What happened to his feet?! His feet look almost as worse as Shaq's.

Rocky heads upstairs as Apollo continues his tirade while Butkus looks on and says,

"knock his block off, Rock. Rufff, rufff."

Rocky has a heart to heart with Adrian about his upcoming return to the boxing ring. (Cues up violin)

Rocky tells Adrian that he's going to fight again even though she doesn't want him to when they hear a knock at the door.

It's Mickey! Well, speak of the devil!

Mickey was knocking for a long time too.

He had to have been knocking for at least 33 minutes straight.

Rock answers and Mickey tells Rocky to "knock his block off." Interesting because that's what Butkus told him about 18 minutes ago.

Rocky agrees with Mickey as he decides to take the fight.

They have a huge press conference to promote the fight. Carl Weathers was one hell of an actor because he didn't laugh not once at all at anything Rocky said.

I think I would've broken character easily from the way Rocky was answering those questions so nonchalantly.

One helluva press conference that sold the fight for me alone.

Mickey and Rocky are watching tape of the last bout with Creed. Mickey's an ass but he knows what he's talking about. Plus, he's a great motivator when he once to be.

Mickey has Rocky chasing after a chicken. I wonder does that shit even work.

Reminds me of the time when we had a chicken fly over the fence and as I was trying to chase the chicken down, I thought about this scene.

Then I started thinking smarter. I ended up setting up a couple of trash cans so that the chicken could jump on them and fly back over.

Til' this day, I still don't know how he flew over my fence and onto my property. I guess the neighbor's had some type of perch that the chicken used.

Rocky's training but you can tell that his heart's not in it.

Apollo's training is more focused but he's lacking that "eye of the tiger" which will become more prevalent later on in the series.

Rocky takes a break as Mickey's giving him a pep talk while eating grapes.

I would've never taken him for a grape guy. I thought his hands would've been greasy from Lay's potato chip stains all over it.

We see Adrian slugging around in the pet store as she overexerts herself moving a heavy pail.

You know, I just found out that the young man Rocky was sparring with about 70 minutes into the film is no other then Roberto Duran.

No wonder why Rock couldn't catch him. Rocky was screaming, "no más, no más" for real after that sparring session.

Paulie talks to Rocky about his lackluster efforts in his training and he believes that Adrian's the cause. Rocky tells him to let it alone.

Now Rock, you know good and well that when you tell someone to let it alone, they don't especially a knucklehead like Paulie.

Paulie goes and has a talk with with Adrian which upsets her so much that she passes out in the pet shop and has to be taken to a hospital.

Mickey's giving Rocky a hard time in the locker room when another trainer informs him that Adrian's sick.

Adrian had a premature birth and fell into a coma after doing it. The nurse said she was overstressed and overexerted herself at work.

Rocky spends some time with Adrian before being told by a nurse that visiting hours are over. He asks if the hospital has a chapel and heads there.

He's joined by Mickey a few moments later as Mickey clears the air with him but still lets him know about the golden opportunity he has in front of him.

Rocky and Mickey are at Adrian's bedside.

Damn! They got that woman looking like a corpse. Can they at least get the lady some Chapstick?! Her lips look drier then the Sahara Desert right about now.

Rocky's over there reading Dr. Seuss-level books to her. If Rocky's bad reading skills won't bring that woman out of a coma then I don't know what will.

Alright Adrian. You've been in that coma long enough, girl. Time for you to awaken so Rocky can fight Apollo.

Even Paulie's concerned. I didn't think that dude had a heart at all.

She opens her eyes. FINALLY!

Don't get me wrong; The music that they play when she's in a coma is beautiful and all but she was in that motherfucker for what felt like forever. That scene had to be at least 54 minutes long.

Oh and Adrian gives her approval for Rocky to fight Apollo. Good. Whewwww.

Enough of that mushy stuff. Time for some man shit.

Here we go! One arm pushes on top of a building! Just don't fall, Rock.

Pounding some crap in a junkyard with a sledgehammer!

Carrying lumber on your back as you're squating throughout the streets of Philadelphia!

Having a man slap your stomach as you do crunches? Naw! That's a little too much now. Just stick with basic crunches, Rock.

The music's kick-ass though. One thing they always did well with the Rocky movies was the film score was always on point.

Rocky finally caught the chicken. Just don't choke it. It's not that type of movie. Well, not the type of movies you used to do, Rock. LMAO.

Rocky's tucking in his newborn son.

Who would've ever thought that the lil' guy would grow up to be ashamed of everything his father accomplished!

Ahhh. The joys of fatherhood.

Up next is the famous "Rocky runs through Philly" scene.

Rocky's running through the streets of lil' Italy in Philly receiving high fives from the people. Now, he has all the youngins running behind him.

Rocky, these people don't give two craps about you. It's that funky ass music that's being played in the background that's got them all hyped up.

Besides, those people might be chasing after you so they can roll you. After all, it is Philly.

Even the pigeons got out the way. They're not crazy.

Now Rocky, you're doing a little too much showing off by jumping over those park benches, bro. You're not training for the decathlon. Geez!

I do wonder how they got all of those kids to follow him though. You know how children can be.

They can be real smart-asses and ask about a million questions.

Maybe, they went the CM Punk route and brought them all ice cream bars. That's a lot of Blue Bell.

Creed's already at the venue receiving his pep talk from his trainer as his woman looks on with primal fear in her eyes.

Is Rocky going off to "the war" or something because they have about a few dozen people in front of his place to see him off for his fight with Creed?!

I'm not sure if I would want to be around Rocky's car seeing that the guy might be half-blind and can't drive a lick even with two good eyes.

These commentators are flawless.

This is the type of announcing that's missing from all of sports today.

Now, we all know that sports are "controlled" (allegedly) but it's a well-produced show that people want to see especially when they're paying insane amounts of money just to get a parking spot, let alone to see the game.

Rocky stops by the priests' place for a prayer that everything turns out alright in the fight. He should be asking the priest to pray that he makes it to the fight in one piece because this dudes driving is………

Apollo's woman continues to look terrified. I've seen Iranian hostages look more enthusiastic then she does at the moment.

I think homie should've left her at home. You don't need that type of nervous energy around.

As both fighters are in the ring, I noticed that those ring ropes look extra loosey goosey.

They look looser then the WWWF ropes back in the day.

Somebody might want to grab a wrench and make a few adjustments before tonight's festivities get underway.

Rocky receives some last minute instructions from Mickey and says a prayer.

Now, lets get it on! DING! DING!

Apollo's looking to put Rocky away early on even though it's obvious that some of his punches are about 9 miles away from Rocky but he's still selling them like he's being struck by lightning.

Creed with the knockdown early to Balboa.

The first round concludes as Apollo smushes the back of Rocky’s head. You didn’t have to do all of that Apollo. I mean, you just kicked the man’s ass up and down Broad Street. No need to rub it in any further.

Rocky shows some fight in the 2nd round but it doesn't phase the champion one bit as he floors Balboa a second time in this fight.

If this was a real-life fight, it would've been over, baby.

Rocky rebounds and finishes the 2nd round strong. He couldn't do any worse though.

Rocky tries tackling Apollo coming out for the 3rd. Wrong sport, kiddo!

As the rounds progress, I see the fatal flaw in Creed's game plan.

He was trying to make an example out of Rocky by trying to knock him out early when all he had to do was pace himself.

He would've dominated the fight and won unaminously as long as Gazzo and his buddies didn't "grease any palms" of the judges. You know that was going on back then and it still is. (allegedly)

Good grief! Those punches sounded like 12 gauge gunshots even though the punches looked more like Super Soaker water pistols.

The images of Rocky taking those hits explains the brain damage his character would develop later on in his fighting career.

Nice music too. Perfect piece of cinema here.

Creed was still pummeling this cat long after the bell had sounded.

And here we are. The filthy 15th round. Last but certainly not least.

You can see tears in Creed's trainers eyes telling him to get away from him.

If only Creed would've listened to him more often.

Rocky with the knockdown as they both end up on the canvas. Rocky's able to beat the count while Apollo had nothing left in him to grab that top rope and collaspes back to the ground.

You see?! You should've listened to your trainer. All you had to do was stay away and you would've retained your title.

AND………THE NEW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!

Rocky gives shoutouts to a few people including his wife.

The guy looks worse then the meat he used to carry around on his shoulders at that meat plant.

I feel like this film is as good as the first one. At worse, it's, maybe, a notch below but a damn good film.

THE END! Roll credits.