FLINT

...So this I haven’t really shared with anyone, well with the exception of my wife Natalie and maybe... I can’t remember right now to be honest, if I told my agent Barb. Let’s keep this between us and the Internet. It’s on my mind simply because of all these Facebook memories that keep popping daily about my time on the set of the movie “Flint” a couple years back.

Anyways, the following happened on my very first day... long after I had been given “network approval”, well after the table read and director meetings about the look of the character, in terms of hair, costume, down to which glasses, ring and watch I would wear, etc. etc.

Now I don’t think I’ve shown up to a set before feeling this extra confident, maybe the fact that I’m lucky to be the top male actor on the call sheet has something to do with it? Maybe not. One thing I know for sure though, it does bring back those feelings of a first day of school...

So I’m in my trailer, doing last minute prep work... I’ve already gone through hair and make up. I’m already in my first costume of the day. I get a knock at the door. The third AD says that Bruce (Beresford, the director) would like to talk to me. Awesome. I love that...

I get dropped off, they’re in between set ups. As soon as Bruce sees me, he gives me a huge warm hug, full of heart, he thanks me for doing the film... —of course I would do the film, (I’m a Canadian actor, I want to work as much as I can, I’m not really in the position to turn work down, unless there’s a conflict with schedules), so yes of course I would do this film. I’m thankful for the work, thankful for being here, thankful to be able to make a living in my chosen field, thankful to work opposite some really amazing talent, most of my scenes are with Betsy Brant, I love her work, specially in one of my favourite shows (Breaking Bad). I also get to share scenes with a bunch of talented name actors both from Canada and the US. and I’m extremely happy to be directed by the guy who directed Driving Miss Daisy, Black Robe and Crimes of the heart (all very different movies which I loved). So of course I would do this gig, I’d fucking do it for free, but pretend I didn’t say that out loud. Thank you Bruce I say, for allowing me to help tell this very important story with you (...but the entire time, he’s got this look on his face like he really has to tell me something...)

And that’s when he pulls me aside and says: “Listen JC. I ve been debating whether or not to tell you this... But I think you should know. You ought to know. Yes... It’s your right to know...” he clears his throat, right away his tone tells me something is not right. “Listen, some people from the network are here... which always makes me a bit nervous. Anyways. I just wanted to let you know, that today they’re here specifically because... umm...” and I can see that he’s searching for the right way to break some sort of news. “Why? Because of me?” I say trying to cover that nervous tone and that knot that’s already formed in my throat. He nods. “But listen, no worries mate... at all!” He quickly points out. “I’m on your side, they know that. I don’t want anyone else in my movie playing Del Toral. Period”.

—Wait, this sounds fucking serious. And suddenly all the amazing feelings I had pumping through my veins as I walked into set earlier, simply vanish, and of course along with that comes fear, insecurity, self doubt. Fuck I’m gonna be fired before I even start?! I think to myself. I don’t even have time or the clarity to let that sink in. But wait, based on what? They haven’t really seen me do anything yet, they have no idea how much I’ve prepared since we did the table read. —So what exactly is happening?” I ask Bruce. “Oh, no biggie, network is having second thoughts, doubts about the background of the character”. Background? “His cultural background you mean?” I ask. “Yes, cultural background” Bruce says.

Now I’m not sure I really follow to be honest because I’m playing a real guy, who is Latino. His name is Miguel Del Toral... I am thankful that those in charge actually casted a Latino to play a Latino (not an Italian, or Greek like it seems to be the norm). “So Bruce what’s the problem really? It doesn’t make any sense!” He keeps trying to find the words... “Well they feel that they might insult the Hispanic community in America they keep saying” What the fuck does that even mean exactly? “Insult? He’s the hero of the movie, if anything the Hispanic community anywhere should feel proud to be represented this way”, (away from the usual stereotypical portrayal of drug dealers, gang bangers, janitors, thieves, —I could go on). “Oh I totally agree mate!!!” he says. “But like I said, no worries at all, I’m on your side, they know that”. He can see my constant hard swallowing. “Anyways. Just relax. Be your lovely self mate, you are super talented, they are gonna love you after we show them our first take”. —Are you sure? I even ask myself, but somehow I say it out loud. “Of course I’m sure. I have not a single doubt, no fear and trust me, they’re not going to make me second guess myself with my choice to cast you on this role.” He says, as we start to walk away from the set ups he’s also been trying to manage with at the same time. I let out a huge deep sigh. This is actually more scary than proving myself at an audition. “Go back to your trailer, do whatever you need to do, just relax, we’re almost there. I know what you can do, you’ll be perfect mate!”

Sigh... So I slowly, timidly, nervously walk back to transport, still waiting around for me. I start thinking, guess network approval doesn’t mean anything until your work is actually shown on the final cut. why in the world didn’t they have these fucking second thoughts / doubts about the character or me (as a performer) before I showed up on set. —And listen I would totally understand and accept it if the character wasn’t based on an actual, living, breathing person. So what the fuck am I supposed to do? Try to not play who he is? He’s real!

And suddenly: Ok so what IF Juanca? I think to myself. What if the dreadful actually happens and network says I’m not working out? That they wanna go with somebody else? Perhaps they already have a “big” American name in mind, waiting just around the corner, the fears start to sink in. What does ACTRA do in these situations? I don’t give a fuck about the money I won’t make, now it’s more about my pride as a person and as an actor. It’s become an issue of respect, how the thoughts and choices of one single suit will affect me, influence my career, the excitement I have about playing this part, and how hard I fought to get this part, I thinned my hair out, ate a ton of carbs, grew a thick ass beard, dipped it in peroxide to get it just the right shade. Seriously? What does ACTRA do in case the part actually gets taken away from me? I’m really asking! What are my rights? All this bullshit starts to take over, I need to call Natalie, Barb to give them the heads up that this job might actually not happen. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, I don’t want the ego to be damaged (stupid I know).

Suddenly I just say STOP! and I just push all this bullshit aside, the crap that’s getting in the way of the real reason why I’m here. Listen Juanca, you’re here to work, to serve the story, to tell the story. YOU! I say to myself trying to psych myself up. I have to trust myself now more than ever, to trust my ability to deliver what the director wants, trust this so called talent I supposedly have been given to do this... and then I remember the time when I got Bell’s palsy, I remember those dark weeks I had when I thought everything in terms of having a shot at a career was done, I remember how I told myself that if I got through that I could get through anything life threw at me. So just relax and concentrate on the actual work, that’s it, I tell myself letting out possibly the biggest sigh I’ve had in my life. Even my driver who has been very quiet, giving me space, says: You ok JC? You seem a bit nervous, quite a different vibe from when I first picked you up this morning”. “Oh you know, Hollywood crap” I say with my most fake smile. “My way of thinking has always been, if it’s crap, I just leave it for the flies” he says. “Thank you Frank, I really appreciate that” I reply. “Any time” he says. “We’re gonna spend lots of time driving back and forth, so just let me know if you need anything”. Lovely guy.

I get back to my trailer, Costume designer comes over and tells me she’d like me to wear a different suit. I get dressed and I continue to run lines. Trying to be calm, I lie down on the floor, to warm up, trying to forget this information that Bruce was kind enough to share with me. He mentioned he wanted me to know. He likes to have an open and honest set. I appreciate that. And yes I’m glad I know and that I’m in on it.

About 35 minutes later, I get driven back to set, I get introduced to the head of network, one of my fate-makers, she is in fact a very lovely, warm lady. Maybe she thinks I don’t know the reason why they’re really here. Who knows, who cares... so knowing myself, I’m simply myself... I don’t try to turn on any extra charm, I don’t let the information I know feed my feelings and affect my attitude. We do a quick rehearsal, private and crew blockings, Betsy is lovely, as expected. We click right away, she’s joking around, which really helps me relax and... we do our first take, camera is on me.

Now after cut, I’m literally waiting to hear the verdict from the network, the producers, the people from Sony pictures... I see Bruce and the head of network talking, whispering with each other, they ask for playback, I swallow hard, they’re actually really judging my performance as if it was a contest, a gameshow, a test of some sort. Betsy keeps joking around and we’re getting to know each other, she is awesome. I look over at Bruce... he looks over at the powers around him and the head of network shakes her head NO! Ahh fuck!

Bruce starts to walk over to me slowly. I start walking towards him, trying to put on a brave face, but inside I’m already packing my bags, slowly putting my tail in between my legs... but also knowing that if I’m leaving this set today, I will do it with dignity. —From about ten feet away Bruce says really loud: “You’re perfect Juan Carlos! That was perfect. Do the same thing again please, exactly what you did. Just for safety this time. Come on everyone... Can we make a movie?!”

And from that moment on, it was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve had on a movie set. I made solid relationships with cast and crew members, producers and writers. Bruce and I became friends. We still talk to each other, he’ll still text me a quick picture of him on set for his last couple movies he’s shooting in Australia. He and his lovely wife came over for dinner, he invited me into the editing room to see how everything was turning out. We fixed some sound things on post, we hang out over wine, beer, champagne and tequila. We’re hoping to work together soon once again. I would love for him to direct one of my scripts. It’s a lovely relationship, that was built on trust, belief and love for this crazy business that we call work, that we call life... and it could’ve been a completely different story, a completely different ending.

My biggest takeaway: Know yourself as a person and as an actor. Trust your tools, your instrument and your instincts. Always know that your worth as a person is not based on things that are completely out of your control, don’t let these blows get to the heart, the same way you shouldn’t let the victories go to your head. Try as much as you can to enjoy this roller coaster... What’s yours in life is yours and no one can take it away from you. If you’ve read this far, thank you kindly for allowing me to share this crazy experience with you... man what a business we’ve chosen to be a part of, but no matter what, I love it more than I could ever put it into words and yes sometimes I also really hate it to the point that I just want to flip everything upside down and just say see you in a few years !

I’m proud to also say that the final product was nominated for various awards, including an Emmy nomination for best TV movie.