Zaelyn Pheles: A Story

I know I’m a monster. I know that, you don’t have to keep reminding me.

I know that I believe things that you don’t so why do you hate me for that.

I’ve never told anyone this because I’ve always put up a front of being confident and happy. But I’m not, I’m always scared, terrified that he’ll never loves me the way I need.

When I was a kid I was raised to be something I’m not. I was raised to hurt innocents, and use them in a way that I believe is wrong. My mother always, always hurt me, since I wouldn’t do what she wanted. And when I left, she banished me, and stripped me of my family. My baby brother, I’ll never be able to hold him in my arms again and tell him it’ll be alright.

She stripped me of everything don’t you see. Don’t you realize now why I’m like this?

No, of course you don’t, because you would never accept a monster like me.

When I left, I had nothing. I could barely speak common without having my underdark/drow accent. People would stare at me, hurt me. For something I couldn’t control. I would hide out in the woods, where I felt safe, only going into town to get supplies.

For a while it was like this, lonely and dark. Without anyone to comfort me, without anyone to stop the havoc in my mind.

But she came. She came and showed me it would be okay. Her name was Elina and she was a Kitsune. When she came to me she was hurt, the villagers had discovered her and beaten her. She was near death but I managed to heal her over the course of a few weeks. Over that time we would talk, and she began to talk about demons. About the truth of demons.

Demons are different she said. Demons need a different kind of rule, a different kind of leader. Demons cannot be tamed by other species, because well, demons are demons. Demons themselves follow a different set of rules and lifestyle. And no one but a demon can understand that.

To this I felt dejected, even more lonely. But then I heard the final bits of that explanation. Though, if someone gives there life to demons, then maybe, they can truly understand.

Now I realize she may have been trying to get me to join my lords cult, but back then I was to overwhelmed to notice.

We started researching and taking care of demons. Our house became a safe haven for demons, a place where they could live and heal and have lives free of judgement. They could be themselves.

But all good things have to end. The village found out about us, and what we were doing. We tried to stop them but we couldn’t. They came in unannounced and proceeded to kill and torture and destroy everything we created. I tried to stop them, I really did. But it was too late. When I turned around they had Elina trapped. I rushed forward, hand reaching out, praying I could get there quick enough. But I couldn’t, I was a failure, I still am. She died in my arms, telling me “I was wrong yknow, you really do understand.”

I didn’t even realize what happened next. My sobs filled the air. Which a soul shattering screech to follow. She was the only family I had left besides my brother. And I couldn’t save her even then. I had truly lost it, lost everything. So I didn’t care anymore, I let myself give in, give in to the madness and havoc that still continues to lay dormant in my mind. I didn’t care what happened, as long as they died. I didn’t have anything to lose, so why should I care what happened to me in the process.

I never regretted what I did that day, in fact I’m happy that I did it. I woke up in a path of blood soaked demon flowers the next day. Bodies lying around me. I realized that I killed the whole village. I wondered why I was alive, why I should even go on.

But something told me I should, so I packed my bags and left. Pushing down my insanity to deal with it another day. Later that night I awoke in my dream. I was in someone’s embrace, his embrace. I woke up with a sweat, seeing a scroll and brooch beside me. The scroll contained everything I needed to know about becoming a warlock of my lord, with a brooch of him to go with. I didn't care if I died, so I thought why not, I’ll try.

He was a bit cold at first, but then he warmed up. He gave me a home, someone that would always be there. Whenever I felt down her would make sure I was okay. He made sure that I, that I wouldn’t ever feel horrible ever again.

So I stayed with him, studying for him for eternity.

Don’t you see now why I love him, why I devote myself to him?

Because he’s the only one I have left, the only one that knows who I really am. The only one who’s stuck by me, and given me hope. The only one, who’s made me feel like I am actually worth it.

But, I don’t expect you to understand. After all, wouldn’t you want to destroy a monster like me?