No, you don't need a "Glow-Up"

Here I was struggling for ideas when a question appeared on my Tellonym. If you're not familiar, Tellonym is a cross-platform messaging app where users give and receive anonymous feedback. I receive a wide range of questions, from personal inquiries to those just seeking some advice.

The question in question, well...It kind of broke my heart a little. I could feel the stranger's pain bleed through the screen. And I hate to admit it, it's not the first time I've felt this.

I think most of us, if not all, have felt like this at some point in our lives. We live in a world where everyone, regardless of gender or none, is chasing standards that don't exist. And if they do, it is a narrow, skinny little path that leads to bigger underlying problems that continue to go unaddressed.

So, I got thinking. How can I answer this person? How can I make them feel better and good within their suit of meat and bones?

By addressing the problem...to which I will say, you are not.

The Desire to be Enough

Our egos crave desire, admiration, and validation. It wants to be seen, heard, and understood. When we are dealing with our insecurities and we see someone who is shining, friend, foe or stranger, our ego feels threatened.

Therefore, instinctively, we compare ourselves to others, fuelling our egos and our need to be enough. Yet, this is a trick because instead of wanting equality through comparison, it becomes a competition.

"I want to be better than you, I want to achieve greater things than you."

And when we can't achieve the things we want, that feeling gets worse. In an age of selfies and socials, this has turned our instincts into a survival mechanism.

Our egos define our worth via comparison, constantly reviewing rank: followers, likes, popularity and success.

When it's a friend, it can feel even worse. The ego heads outwards to look within. We often reflect or mirror the parts of ourselves we see in others, and when we befriend them, it validates our sense of self.

That's why they say the company you keep is a reflection of yourself.

So if there is an insecurity of some sort, our ego will drive us to seek attention and compliments, trapping us in a mental loop of constant validation.

This is not stable ground. This is not healthy and will only do more harm than good. The best thing to do is to value how you feel rather than your appearance.

Which leads me to the next big issue...

The Invisible Ruler

The media loves to hold up a mirror to ourselves and show us who we wish to be, rather than who we are.

And this is where celebrities and influencers come in as the Mephistopheles of it all. These people are great salesmen because they don't just sell or promote products, but they sell lifestyles.

When we see a successful, good-looking individual promoting a product that works for them, or something that they may love, it triggers everything from herd mentality to FOMO (fear of missing out).

Fueling what is known as aspirational identities that create this sort of one-sided parasocial relationship, which, of course, our egos indulge in.

Once again, trapping us in an endless comparative hunt for dopamine and rewards:

• Follow → admire → buy → feel good → repeat.

Insecurity is profitable, and thanks to our ego, our self-worth is constantly under negotiation. Our instincts are being used against us for profit.

These feelings are made worse when your friend reminds you of a particular celebrity or influencer, because they have that thing they have, and it happens to also be the very thing you want. Or in your ego's case...need.

Burn the Phoenix to Ash

I'm not surprised people are feeling upset, invalidated and less than others. We've become increasingly isolated in a world where facial features are all the same and everything is constantly shifting.

Nothing more so than beauty standards.

Of course, ego death would be the quickest solution. I would be lying if I said I didn't think that the whole world would benefit from it. It most certainly would.

Ego death can redefine our self-worth. Allow us to see the bigger picture we keep missing. Once we can let go of our constructed sense of self, we are liberated from the comparison trap. We stop chasing validation and begin to ignore the beauty standards that were once projected onto us.

But the trick is not to lose ourselves entirely. It's the ability to turn around and look at the parts you hate. Some people call this 'shadow work', an introspective method of healing.

Once you turn and face your shadow, and see you are the one who cast it, only then will you realise that the flame held no shadow to begin with. That your light will always shine, no matter how bright other candles may be.

You are more than your looks, material goods, followers, and likes. This does not define your worth. You are more than enough.

Whoever you are, stranger on my tellonym, I will leave you with this: the moment our inner beauty is seen, everything about us becomes beautiful to the eye of the beholder.

You don't need a cure for being you.

💜

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It fuels my ego, ok.

If you have a problem or need some advice, feel free to pop on the tellonym.