To Feel

The noise of desperate shuffling filled the dusty, old chamber before being replaced by the unforgiving sound of flesh smacking flesh: a hard slap to the face. Wet grunts and groans were forced from behind the clenched teeth of two men locked in combat. The battle had shifted to the ground, one man’s hands wrapped decisively around the throat of the other. Bald, and colorless, he cringed as he watched his victim’s face turn red, his eyes bulging in fear. Sweat and spit dripped on the dusty concrete floor, the combatants locked in place, the loser flailing his arms and legs as death approached him.

The bald man squeezed his eyes shut and cried out, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I just want to see if I can feel this!” He opened his eyes and looked at the swelling face of the young man. A heart- shaped locket had fallen from inside the safety of his shirt. An involuntary tear joined the moisture on his face, and he almost sighed, “You don’t know what it’s like”.

Light suddenly burst into the room, three figures rushing in with it, as a set of double doors flew open.

“GRAB HIM!” an older man yelled.

“YEAH, yeah, I got him!” a younger man shouted as he rushed in and grabbed the collar of the struggling man, who was now turning a shade of blue.

The older man grabbed the bald menace with surprising force, mightily throwing him backwards as hard as his strength would allow him.

The third figure, a young woman with frizzy blonde hair cried out and pointed, “His claw! His clawbar, get Daniel’s clawbar!”

The older man struggled upright and peered where the girl was pointing and jolted to grab a rusty old crowbar. The bald man was now pushing himself to his feet. The hardly conscious man was successfully being dragged from the room by his comrade, the frizzy haired girl now lending aid. With his hand squeezed tightly around the crowbar, the older man brought his arm back and thrust it at this bald beast’s head. There was a crack, and the pale man stumbled backwards before falling to his knees.

Looking at the ground, he slowly brought his dirty fingertips to the wound. He showed no concern for the blood that began to spill down his check.

“Stay back,” growled the old man, “I pulled that punch.”

“Nate!” he heard his name called from behind, “Nate, let’s go!”

By now the darkness was fading from the choked man’s eyes as he came to his senses. As his friends dragged him from the dark shack and into the light outside, and before Nate slammed the doors shut, he had one last ghastly look at the hairless, deathly pale thing inside. It squeezed the buttons on its worn shirt anxiously. He looked at the group, specifically Daniel, with wide nervous-looking eyes, his back hunched, as if he were embarrassed. Blood still ran down his face, and although Daniel could not hear the words he spoke, he watched this pitiful creature’s mouth move and knew just what he had said.

“I only wanted to feel.”

Daniel let out harsh chokes and hacks as his friends helped him to his feet, Nate barring the outside of the double doors with the old crowbar. He turned to face the dirty, shell-shocked trio and ran his fingers stressfully through his grey hair, messy and frayed after the engagement. Rubbing his beard, he stared with sternness at Daniel, who looked back sheepishly. “Why were you alone?” He turned to look at the one who had dragged him out. “Why was he alone, Jacob?!”

Jacob started to make an excuse before shaking his head and looking at the ground, saying nothing.

Nate aimed his words back at Daniel, “You really thought you’d find yourself a bottle in an-“ he turned to look at the sign of the building from which they had escaped “- a mechanic’s shop?!” He paced back and forth anxiously several times before jabbing a finger towards Daniel. “From now on, you’re never more than an arm’s reach from me.” He scoffed one last time. “We’re done here” The old man walked past the small group, purposefully bumping into Daniel on the way and leaning in close to his ear. “Your little problem… is gonna get you killed.” With those last words, Nate made his way towards the concealed location of their small motorbikes.

Daniel spat into the dry earth, a sour expression on his face. Jacob and the girl gave each other worried looks before walking in Nate’s direction. Daniel followed last, not before ripping his “claw” from the doors of the pale creature’s current abode.

The engine rumbled between Daniel’s legs, his eyes drifting aimlessly along the horizon. The sun was setting beautifully in shades of oranges and yellows, casting long, lonesome shadows over the barren land. The towns they passed were without life, the highways they rode littered with long-abandoned vehicles. With the powerful ball of flame lowering quickly, Nate – who always rode in the lead - signaled towards the approaching exit.

Riding slowly, and cautiously, Nate’s eyes moved from building to building as he searched for a stopping point for the night. The ever-prevalent reality that they weren’t truly alone grounded him as he scanned for the light of any TV’s or computer screens. Any blue light at all. Working neon signs meant that buildings were a definitive no-go. Towns with running sub-stations could mean a deathtrap. Nate, and everybody he knew, stayed away from large cities. Everybody but one. He turned back to look at Daniel and the others, who rode closely behind him.

The sun had set, and it had become hard to see without headlights. Nate signaled for the group to turn into the empty parking lot of a small mattress shop. The group peered through the open windows for any sign of life before cautiously turning off their engines. Daniel was the first to set his kickstand and swing his leg over the seat before slowly approaching the entrance.

The female of the group squealed softly as she dismounted her bike. “A real bed?”

Nate chuckled. “Thought you’d like this spot, Jessi.”

Daniel swung open the unlocked glass door and Jacob was the first to enter, followed by Nate, and lastly Jessi. The lobby was quiet and still as the door closed behind them. After standing motionless and peering into the darkness, they fanned out, investigating the shop for any prior inhabitants.

“Yup. Empty.” Nate said as they regrouped at the back of the building.

“I already found the one I want!” Jessi said in excitement, before running and leaping onto an expensive looking California King.

Nate smiled at their agreeable point of rest.

“I’ll go lock the door” Daniel said, walking towards the entrance. “Which one you taking, Jacob?”

He rubbed the back of his head. “Eh, I really don’t care.”

Nate eyed him suspiciously. “Yeah, you can have the one farthest away from Jessi.”

Jacob said nothing.

Daniel stared towards the ceiling, unable to sleep despite the luxurious conditions. He pulled the locket from under his shirt and opened it. Inside was the faded picture of a metropolis taken from an aerial view, a grand testament of man’s creation. The City of Angels. Daniel closed the locket and put it rightfully back in his shirt. From the far back of the building, sharp light emanated from a cracked door. Daniel stood and stretched, giving up on sleep, before making his way towards the store’s security room. Daniel pushed the door open and poked his head in.

Nate sat inside at its desk, peering over an old map with a surprisingly efficient survival light.

“Can’t sleep?” Daniel asked.

“Just going over tomorrow’s route.” Nate responded in a tired tone.

Daniel entered the room, grabbing a cigarette from the pack resting beside Nate’s map. He sat lazily on a short filing cabinet and lit it, taking a long drag. “Tomorrow, right?”

“Or the next day.”

As Daniel was getting comfortable, a soft, feminine moan came from somewhere outside the small security room. He looked at Nate, who shook his head. “Think we should check that out?”

Nate sighed. “No, I know what that was. Goddamn kids. If you aren’t getting drunk, you’re getting laid.” He lit a cigarette of his own and took a drag. “Some things never change, I guess. Maybe a mattress store was a bad idea…”

Bitter envy and anger filled the young man. Jealousy, and loneliness.

“So, what do you think?” Daniel asked, hoping to converse over any more possible sounds of passion.

Nate grunted. “I think a lot of things.”

“Think we’ll run into any ghosts on the way there?”

Nate took a moment to respond. “Daniel, I think you should be more worried about ghosts in there.”

The young man’s eyes emptied dreamily as he took another drag from his cigarette. “I know my mom’s there.”

Nate raised his attention away from the map. “Daniel, she left Clarkesville over twenty years ago.” His tone was gentle. “It’s a dangerous trip. And what if there was… nothing there waiting for her.”

“You’re wrong. You were there with her, you saw it, you know it’s safe. I remember it.”

The old man hesitated to say anything. “Twenty years is a long time-“

“The only reason you didn’t go with her then was because you were scared.” Daniel said flatly. “And you’re scared now. But we’re gonna make it.” He looked intently at Nate. “Look how close we are.”

Nate looked into the boy’s eyes. “We can always turn back.”

Daniel slowly shook his head in disbelief. “You always want to turn back.” He took one last frustrated drag from his cigarette before shoving the hot butt out onto the file cabinet. “Look, I know you told my mom you’d take care of me, but I’m my own man now. I’ll do this because I want to, and I know I can.” When the old, scared bastard said nothing more, he leapt down from the file cabinet, leaving the security room and shutting the door behind him.

Daniel had dreamed of this day since he was a young boy. Endless hours spent imagining the city coming up over the horizon, of passing through the gates, of looking up his mother. Of finding her. Yet, as he mounted his motorbike all he could think about was how sore his ass was, and how it hurt to move his neck, and how he didn’t sleep because of his companions’ increasingly constant acts of love, and that old son of a bitch, Nate. Daniel felt alone. But that was all about to change.

Daniel looked at Jacob once they were both mounted. “I heard you last night.”

“What?” Jacob responded in an irritated tone.

“You know, Jessi can’t ride if she’s pregnant.” Daniel said as he strapped his helmet.

Jacob looked at him, a flash of anger in his eyes. “I have condoms. And that’s none of your business.” He kicked his bike into gear.

They had made good time, arriving when the sun was high. Daniel could barely believe at first. He rode on slowly even after he had seen the husk of the city. The others followed him this time. He gazed at the crumbled ruins of Los Angeles, as his bike slowly came to a stop. Daniel released the clutch, staring with empty eyes towards the horizon and at his City of Angels. The engine died, and he sat for a while before dismounting. The bike fell on the freeway as the first tear ran down his face. He unstrapped his helmet, holding it loosely in one hand as he looked at the empty sky where the great towers should have been, now scattered and fallen to the ground.

“Daniel…” He heard Nate’s voice and slowly turned to see the group had parked beside him. Jessi looked devastated. Jacob looked confused. Nate looked cautious.

“You said…” was all Daniel could choke out. He looked again at the destruction, at the clear signs of purposeful, controlled, and organized detonation.

“What…” Confusion and strife twisted his expression. “What happened?”

Nate stuttered and stood beside Daniel. “There were… uh… too many… ghosts” He gestured awkwardly as he explained. ”A lot of… anarchy… and higher powers declared the city” he looked Daniel in the face “… lost.” He looked at the ground for a moment before once again facing the broken man. “They bombed it.” He said plainly.

“When…” uttered Daniel as the revelation came to him. “You knew.” The words escaped his lips. He turned and looked viciously at Nate, who took a defensive stance, placing a pleading hand in front of him. “You knew!”

“Daniel…” Nate said gently.

Daniel repeated the words as loud as his vocal cords would allow, over and over. He turned to the edge of the freeway, brutally throwing his helmet over the crumbling ledge. He began screaming aimlessly, pushing his voice beyond its limits. The others pleaded - to no avail. Ripping the locket from his neck, Daniel held it in his hand and grimaced before casting it far over the freeway, and into the empty streets below forever.

Snot, spit and tears covered his anguished face. “Did you know?!” He turned to Jessi and Jacob, who could only watch on helplessly. “You KNEW!”

Jessi shook her head, sadly; her face wet with tears.

Daniel paced back and forth in despair, pulling at his hair and screaming at his necropolis before Nate managed to speak over him. “Daniel, you were just a boy, and she handed you to me…”

Daniel continued to pace frantically.

“She was ghosted, Daniel.”

He stopped and stared at the man with puffy, demanding eyes.

“… Her hair started falling out” Nate was now sobbing as well “and she got so pale, Daniel…” The old man looked at the boy, with pain in his eyes. “And she handed you to me.” He shook his head, “There was no one else, I’m sorry. God knows we both wish there were.”

“Where is she?” Daniel managed through his shredded vocal cords.

Nate paused for a moment, in despair. “I buried her back in Clarkesville.”

Daniel fell to his knees. “Oh, god!” he sobbed before covering his face in his hands.

“You were just a boy” Nate spoke “and you asked me” he blubbered “where your mommy had gone… and she had given you that damn locket.” Nate clenched his teeth. “I told you she went home, because I didn’t know what else to say… and for some goddamned reason” he looked at Daniel, heartbroken and crumbled on the pavement “you thought that’s what home was.” Nate smiled painfully. “To see you talk about The City of Angels… to see a kid smile and be happy, when everything was such shit.” He shook his head in defiance. “After a while, it became too late to tell you. It gave you such drive- such faith. You were so persistent about coming here, Daniel.”

The two men made eye contact. “How was I supposed to tell you otherwise?”

“I’ll never recover from this.” Daniel said, looking spitefully at the old man. “I’ll never recover from this…” he repeated, his voice becoming weak. “What have you done to me? What have you made me?”

The old man gasped at his words.

Daniel turned his dead gaze towards the edge of the crumbled freeway.

“Daniel,” Jacob spoke slowly, Jessi holding him as she wept, “don’t.”

New thoughts formed in Daniel’s mind as he gazed at the ledge. I don’t have to remember this. I don’t have to feel this… I could erase it all… I can stop this. He rose to his feet, and quickly ran to the freeway’s ruined edge.

“Daniel!” Nate called, reaching out helplessly.

The ledge came quickly. And Daniel stopped suddenly. He stood at the freeway’s edge, looking down where he had thrown the locket. The wind rustled his hair. He looked at his death, and in that moment, something inside of him broke. Time did not exist as he stood there, in limbo, unable to make the decision to step forwards or backwards. He was lost in the sensation when a hand softly touched his.

“… Daniel” a soft, pretty voice spoke.

He turned his empty gaze upwards to see Jessi reaching out to him, a million miles away.

“Please come down.” Her hand gripped his a little harder, pulling him away from the ledge.

He abided.

She pulled him away and they crumbled to the pavement together. She held him and sobbed. He stared onwards, limp and expressionless. Nate looked at the ruined boy in shock. Jacob paced back and forth, kicking and swearing.

Jacob was sitting against his motorbike as the sun began to set, thirsty and tired. Nate stood alone and stared towards the ruined city, a stricken look on his face. Jessi still sat with Daniel. He had not spoken a word, nor moved. He heard his name said, almost distantly in his dissociation “Hey.” It was Jessi, who turned his face towards her own. “We have to go.” she said gently. She rose, pulling Daniel with her. Slowly, she walked him to his motorbike, holding him by the waist as Jacob lifted it upright.

Once he was placed properly, he sat there for a while. After a time, instinctually, he lifted his hands to the handlebars. He looked at Jessi and Jacob, who held pitiful looks in their eyes, and weakly nodded. Jessi smiled at him, sadly, and touched his face before walking to her own bike. Jacob grabbed Daniel’s hand placed on the handlebar and gave it a strong squeeze before stepping away. Nate looked on from his own bike. Daniel kicked his engine to life.

They decided to ride through the night to get away from the city. The trio glanced often towards Daniel’s direction, worry in their hearts. A numbness, and unknowingness enveloped him as they rode through the lost highways. It was as if he had unlearned everything he had known before that sunrise. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know where to go. He didn’t know who to trust, ever again. He wasn’t sure if he knew much of anything at all. The only thing Daniel did know, was that it was going to be a long ride home. And that he needed a drink.