The Witch of the Broken Computer

Shifty was a pink woollen rabbit whose creator crocheted him under dubious artistic inspiration.

He was intended to be cute, but his limbs turned out too short, and his wiry blue whiskers conveyed no capacity for fun. His ears twisted this way and that like a long joke with a disappointing punchline. His beady eyes gave him a cold, sociopathic stare, like he had no soul.

Shifty lived in the slummy outskirts of the Magical Woods with his abusive family. His parents were permanently drunk on moonshine brewed from radioactive wastewater. They stayed up and argued all night. Shifty had 78 siblings, half of which were actively hunting him for food or entertainment.

At first, he tried to make a better life for himself by applying for a job in debt collection. But that didn’t work out.

“You’re too pink to be intimidating,” he was told.

That night, Shifty stole a bottle of radioactive moonshine from his parents and went to the magical junkyard to get drunk. Lying down, looking at the sky, he heard laughter. The constellations were mocking him.

But he was too insignificant to be mocked by stars. It was just some dude, known in the neighbourhood for conspiracy theories and bad advice.

“Look at you, feeling sorry for yourself,” said the dude. “When you could do something about it.”

“Like what?” asked Shifty.

“Find the one who’s responsible for your miseries. And take them to task.”

“And who’d that be?”

“The Witch of the Broken Computer,” said the dude, pointing at a broken computer lying at the junk heap.

Shifty didn’t understand.

“There’s a prophecy,” said the dude “about that broken computer. A Witch lives inside it. She’s the one who created all the inhabitants of the Magical Woods.”

“Is that so?”

“Definitely. And, according to the prophecy, the computer will start up again one day, and the Witch will awaken, and she’ll throw a big barbecue in her lush garden for all the creatures of the Magical Woods.”

“Sounds fun,” said Shifty. “But you said the Witch was responsible for my miseries?”

“Well, if she created you, then it’s logical to blame her for all your mistakes.”

Shifty thought that was very reasonable indeed.

“Then I have to wake her up and kill her. Which would make me the new ruler of the Magical Woods.”

“There you go,” said the dude, taking a swig of Shifty’s moonshine.

Shifty didn’t know how to kill the Witch of the Broken Computer, so he asked his parents in the morning.

“You have to run away,” said his father, “have adventures and prove yourself in trials.”

“The important part is to run away,” clarified his mother. “We can’t afford you anymore.”

Shifty left the Magical Woods, which did seem to him like a roundabout way to overthrow its ruler, but he was also fed up with the place, so he didn’t mind.

He walked along the motorway until it was dark, and he found himself in the back garden of a pretty house in a residential area. This was promising, for the garden reminded him of the Witch’s barbecue, foretold in the prophecy, except for one detail: the giant black dog that guarded the house.

The dog leapt at Shifty, pinned him down and sank his teeth into his pink crocheted ear. Shifty would’ve unravelled completely, had it not been for the human living in the house. He came out to see the commotion, told the dog to shut up, and took the injured Shifty inside.

The human’s name was Pedro. He examined Shifty, running his thumb along the crochet stitches, pressing down gently, as if he was a doctor checking for appendicitis.

“Are you a doctor?” asked Shifty.

“LOL, no,” said Pedro. “I’m an unemployed stoner.”

Pedro told Shifty he wasn’t doing much since he’d lost his job and stopped seeing his friends. He just spent his days playing computer games, smoking pot and talking to crochet animals he’d wrestled from the dog.

“Is there a witch in your computer?” Shifty asked.

“If there is, I haven’t met her yet.”

“Maybe she’s asleep, like the Witch of the Broken Computer in the junkyard back home. I have to kill her.”

“You’re in no shape to kill anyone. You need a new eye. Let’s see what I can do.”

Pedro didn’t have any beads, but he had a rare gold-plated Bitcoin he’d acquired when he still had a job and serious interests, like investing in crypto-currency. He used the coin to replace Shifty’s lost eye.

“Looks good,” said Pedro.

Shifty still had a cold, sociopathic stare, but he was now worth 20 thousand dollars.

Because of this, Pedro threw him in the safe and locked him up.

Shifty was now a prisoner in a metal box, alone in the dark, with no prospect of being let out. This was a vast improvement compared to the slums of the Magical Woods, where he’d shared a room with 78 murderous siblings. But he remembered the prophecy, and knew that if he wanted to become the ruler of the Magical Woods, he couldn’t afford to start coasting now.

So, he used his wiry blue whiskers to pick the lock, and escaped into the night.

Shifty wandered around in the neighbourhood, trying not to run into dogs. The cloudy sky offered no guidance. He finally fell asleep in a letterbox.

He woke up in someone’s kitchen, next to a letter bearing bad news. The kitchen and the bad news belonged to a girl named Rose.

“Welcome to the worst day of my life,” said Rose. She was making coffee. Shifty had never had coffee before, but it smelled better than radioactive moonshine.

“You have weird eyes. What happened?”

“Dog fight,” said Shifty. “But you have weird eyes too. What happened?”

“Tears. I cry every morning when I see this notebook.”

Rose showed Shifty a black notebook with blank pages inside.

“I used to have many notebooks with colourful covers. I filled them with ideas and stories. I used to be a writer.”

But Rose hadn’t written anything for ages. This made her sad, and when she was sad, it was even more difficult to write. She hadn’t written anything for so long that today she had to appear in front of a judge.

“He will decide if I’m allowed to write down my name.”

The letter said the social workers and the doctors would tell the judge that Rose was too sad to think for herself. And then she'd lose the right to sign her name.

“The hearing is today. I need to turn on the computer.”

Rose started crying again, but Shifty had a question about the computer.

Rose explained that humans were having a problem: a disease was killing them, and those who weren't killed were forced into hiding, allowed to communicate only via computers.

“Sometimes we pretend to look like animals on the screen,” she added.

That gave Shifty an idea.

Soon the judge appeared on Rose’s laptop, and other people too, everyone in their separate squares. The doctors and the social workers presented the evidence. When the judge was ready to strike with the gavel, Shifty took over Rose’s place.

“Hey, Witch!” he shouted into the microphone. “Wake up and remember the prophecy!”

“They can’t hear you” said Rose. “Only people like me can. And maybe stoners.”

“What prophecy?” asked the social worker.

“The one about the barbecue!" yelled Shifty. "The Witch was supposed to preside over it, but I'm going to kill her and become the new ruler of the Magical Woods!”

Shifty's one Bitcoin eye had a dangerous glint in it, partly because he was angry, and partly because the gold coin focused the sunlight into the camera.

“Rose, we can’t hear you,” said the judge. “And your stuffed animal is blocking you.”

“Sorry, Your Honour. It must be a filter. I’m not a rabbit.”

“Everything is your fault, Witch!” screamed Shifty. "Prepare to die!"

“That’s rude,” said the social worker. “Also, it’s very immature to blame others for your problems. Try taking some responsibility.”

Shift's gold eye shimmered, there was a flash and everything went black. The connection was lost. But before that, for just one second, Shifty thought he saw a familiar junkyard on the screen. He thought he saw the old Broken Computer explode in magnificent flames.

Another Court Hearing Disrupted by Animal Avatars, said the headlines the next day, when the video went viral. Bitcoin Anarchists Plotting Against the Legal System? suggested reputable conspiracy theory sites. Some details remained hazy, but a social worker was disciplined, and the judge decided there wasn’t enough evidence to take away Rose’s capacity after all.

The value of Bitcoin shot up.

The next day, Rose got a message from a guy named Pedro, asking if he could get back his crochet rabbit with the Bitcoin eye. Or just the Bitcoin eye, if Rose wanted to keep the rabbit. They started to talk, and soon they were talking every day on their computers.

Some weeks passed, until one morning Shifty woke up and saw Rose sat at the kitchen table, scribbling in her black notebook.

“Guess what,” said Rose. “They’ve found a cure for the disease. We don’t have to hide anymore. Pedro is coming over, and we’re throwing a barbecue for all our friends.”

“Yay!” said Shifty, but it was like Rose didn’t hear it. Maybe she was already thinking about paper plates and cake.

Rose and Pedro’s barbecue was a success. All their friends were there. Some of the inhabitants of the Magical Woods also came, including Shifty’s family. They got drunk on moonshine and started epic feuds that would be discussed by the junkyard for years to come.

Pedro, who wasn’t smoking nearly as much pot anymore, brought her niece along. She was a sweet girl, very much into conspiracy theories and bad advice. She stuffed Shifty in her pocket and climbed up to the roof to show him the constellations.

“See that one? The one that looks like an old lady crocheting?”

Shifty looked up to the sky.

“I think I can see her. Is that an exploded monitor next to her?”

“Exactly!” said the little girl. “That’s my favourite constellation. It’s called the Witch of the Broken Computer.”

The stars sparkled, and so did Shifty’s new eyes. They were made of glitter. He continued to sit on the roof with the little girl, listening to the laughter from the garden. Everyone had a good time.