House-Sitting Instructions for the Garden of Eden

If you find a snake in the garden, don’t kill it, don’t talk to it, especially not on a Sunday. You may post a picture of it in the local facebook group, where the village elders will identify the exact species, and, most likely, Monsieur Georges will share pictures of the snakes he had found in his garden, and then Madame Céline will accuse him of subsequently throwing them into her garden, at which point the discussion will become heated, referencing ancient feuds involving sacrifices and goats, and you will probably want to go to the beach.

Don’t forget to water the potted plants, particularly the tomatoes in the decaying bathtub, and spray the lemon tree with this potion, so that its roots remain strong, holding firmly onto the treasure chest lodged among them. Slugs shouldn’t give you any trouble, they respect their contract and obey the sound of the wind chime. Robins and blackbirds will wake you up in the morning, trying to start up that rusty Citroen sunken halfway into the earth. See the wild marigold growing through the windshield?Sometimes they succeed, the robins, and then they drive the old clunker to the beach, chirping all the way along the coast — it’s beautiful there in the morning, absolutely worth a trip.

That tree? Ah no, you can’t eat that fruit, love, it’s called bitter orange for a reason. Deceptively juicy, but causes terrible bouts of nihilism. Top tip: you can make an exquisite apéritif out of it — add rosé, cloves, star dust, vodka (not the supermarket one, go to the village market on a Tuesday morning and ask for Sergey — tell him I sent you.) Let it sit for forty-five days, stir occasionally. It will be sweet and oily, with a funny earthy flavour you will come to associate with freedom and a new lease on life. Like you’ve just survived a terrible accident, or the plague.

Now, a delicate matter. Occasionally, you may find odd things in the garden. When the low-lying mist dissolves in the morning, you might notice a wedding dress in the long grass. Or a gold egg, for example, might fall from the sky one morning as you take your coffee, narrowly missing your head. Odd things. Your childhood doll in the rose bush, or your grandfather’s handwriting on a postcard from the seaside, stamped a very long time ago. You’ll recognise them when you see them. A lightning bolt might slice the old cherry tree in half during a summer storm, and afterwards you’ll find a baby nested in the branches, perhaps a golden necklace around his neck, with a small lightning bolt for a pendant. That’s the sort of thing I mean.

It is important, then, to do this exact thing. Take a cardboard box from the shed. They are available in various sizes. Put all the items in the box. The baby, too, yes, — especially the baby. Wrap the package in brown paper — nothing fancy, you don’t want to attract attention. Tie a string around it just for good vibes. Then, you take it to Elena’s haberdashery shop in the old town. (It’s also our parcel collection point, should you need to make online deliveries). Go on a Sunday, while the villagers are at church. Give the package to Elena, and she’ll take it with her when she sails to the west on a white ship.

It is a good idea to bring Elena a bottle of the bitter orange apéritif, she will appreciate the gift.

Don’t post about any of this in the facebook group.