satire
Science fiction satire presented to mock the many generations of society.
The Argan Oil Chronicles Part VI
Hair Care Product Formulation Experts Struggling to Adjust to New Realities of Post Argan Oil World Organic chemist Jose Olivier had been a formulation chemist at Paul Mitchell for twenty years when he was let go late last year in a round of R&D cutbacks. Dr. Olivier attributes the layoffs directly to the rise in importance of Moroccan argan oil in the hair care world. “Paul Mitchell was a great place to work back in the 80’s, especially for a young kid fresh out of school. In college and graduate school I couldn’t get within twenty feet of a woman, but at Mitchell I was running my fingers through supermodel’s hair on a daily basis. Of course this was part of how we tested the performance of various experimental conditioner formulations, but still it was awesome,” said Dr. Olivier explaining his first exposure to the world of hair care product formulation chemistry. He would go on to hold several positions in R&D culminating in his promotion to research manager for X division, the super secretive Paul Mitchell skunk works where new formulations, some worth millions of dollars, were first conceived and invented. At its’ peak his salary topped out at $250K a year and the benefits and perks were significant. “In addition to the constant parade of gorgeous women into the laboratory the company put on endless parties. Anytime a new product was introduced, which was at least a couple times a month some huge gala event had to occur. I was only invited to a few, and was asked to stay away from any of the camera’s and famous people, but I still had a lot of fun. Of course the drugs were a bit out of control. The deviated septum I got from the constant cocaine use still causes me nose bleeds whenever the humidity drops below 40%.” Now he is jobless and barely getting by on his monthly unemployment benefits. “That (expletive) damn argan oil. Why did it have to be so good? I mean who would have believed an all natural, plant derived oil could compete with dimethicone when it came to smoothness and shine and outperform it in terms of residual greasy feel. I was the first person to suggest dimethicone as an additive to hair conditioners. Got a patent for that one, and now that patent, much like me, is basically worthless, all because of that mother (expletive) argan oil. I am gonna go (expletive) mad dog (expletive) postal on those mother (expletive) in Morocco and burn their argan oil fields to ash. They’ll pay for what they did to me. They’ll pay.” Laughing maniacally Dr. Olivier turned and walked away head bowed low.
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
The Argan Oil Chronicles Part V
Hostage Situation Develops as Argan Oil Tanker Seized by Pirates Reportedly Hid Within the Straights of Gibraltar Before Staging Daring Raid on Morrocan Vessel Laden with Millions of Tons of the Valuable Beauty and Personal Care Oil.
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
Good Guy and Bad Guy Reach Historic Accord
Author's note: Two author comments were removed from this story without my permission prior to publishing. They both explained the backstory of this story. It was rejected twice for "religious content" before finally being published. Know that this story is published in its current form under protest.
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
A Cryogenic New Year
2021 was a stressful year for myself personally and the world in general. What with Covid-19, Joe Biden, and a whole bunch of other stressful things dominating every news cycle it felt like I was wide awake in fear and/or anger the entire year. These feelings were likely exacerbated by the huge quantities of crystal meth and cocaine I consumed over the course of the year. Taken together, all those stressful happenings plus my meth/coke addiction conspired to make 2021 one of the least restful years of my life. I have vowed that things will be different in 2022. In fact I have decided to make it my New Year's resolution that I have a much more relaxed and rested 2022 than my hectic and overstressed 2021. To that end I have conceived of a brilliant plan. For the entirety of the year 2022 I will be frozen in carbonite in a deep cryogenic slumber from which I shall not be awaked until Jan 1, 2023 is upon us.
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
Computer Defeats Human in Game of Computing
In a stunning result the artificial intelligence (AI model x101371-c) has defeated a human (Mark Starr) in a rules based game of computing for the first time ever yesterday. The modern computer outcomputed the human in just under 1 nanosecond making it the fastest win ever for a computer in a head to head matchup with its creator, man. Mr. Starr, looking grim but composed, said of the artificial neural network powered machine “It was only a matter of time. We knew one day a computer would become better at the action of mathematical calculation (computation) then us. In retrospect it should have been obvious, that is why we called them computers after all.” The AI, which is incapable of having or expressing emotions, said nothing as it is also incapable of speech, though it did offer to “Perform a Google search” and “Find an Indian restaurant in the area.” Technology analysts believe it is only a matter of time before modern computers become so good at computing that humans will have no need at all for computation and cede control of all calculations to their math superiors. This hypothetical point in time is referred to by some as the mathemological algularity and may signal the end of man’s dominance on the planet. Leader of the transmathematist movement (humans who believe the algularity will initiate a transition to a new golden age in which humans are no longer required to learn or study math at all) said of the AI’s win “This is just another sign that the algularity is at hand. Very soon now we will be freed of the shackles of universal math education. The quantitative sections of both the SAT and ACT will be a thing of the ancient past.” Algularity skeptics pointed out that man will still need to be able to compute simple things such as how to make change for a dollar or how many apples they have left of the four they started with after they eat two of them, and thus some low level computation will still be required. Skeptic John Albon said “All this talk of the algularity and computation free humans is nothing but a distraction from the fact that modern computers are still falling well below expected performance levels in matching us to our perfect dates. Call me when a computer has figured that one out.”
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
Pear Tree In a Valley
The pear tree stands sedate, twisted but stately, its leaves rustling slowly in a gentle breeze, watching the world go by, slowly tearing itself apart. Fragrant and fruity, it has stood here for decades. It has watched kingdoms rise and fall. Many kingdoms. That’s mainly because by these days, kingdoms have begun to rise and fall pretty quickly.
By Keihsi Urmuud4 years ago in Futurism
The Simulationist Church
Author’s note: I just can’t get away from this stuff. I haven’t written anything about the simulation hypothesis in over a month and sort of figured I was basically done with it. The weird phone calls from unknown numbers and strange emails with domain names I don’t recognize had stopped as well. It seemed all the nutjobs had given up on messing with me. Then a voice recording from a number I did not know came through on my personal cell phone. With the recording was a text which read — “listen SH quit” My transcription of the voice recording is below. The man reading the message sounded quite calm and completely rational, maybe a little sleepy, but it was not a voice I recognized. It ended suddenly as these things seem to always do.
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
The Simulationist Church
A translated excerpt from the Italian Codex Simulationista (S1.s3.2) Transubsimulation is defined in the Simulationist faith as the point in time at which the base code that makes up/represents/is the universe in which all simulations (ourselves included) reside became/becomes real/simulated. Unlike the concept of transubstantiation in the Catholic faith, which occurs every time the wine and eucharist is made real (into the blood and body of Christ) during the Catholic mass, transubsimulation only occurs once (per level of the simulation, if such levels actually exist/are simulated). Some Simulationists have argued that the concept of time itself is only relevant in the simulation, and therefore to suggest that transubsimulation occurs at a point in time is incorrect. For these atemporal transubsimulationists the “birth” of the simulated universe occurs at no time but instead represents the first moment of (simulated) time itself. The correctness of either view may be impossible to ascertain until the coming of the Simulator(s).
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
A Simulationist Reflects on the Death of His Cat
Authors note: I had not had any contact with Simulationism or the Simulationist church in over six months. I was beginning to think the entire movement had collapsed or decided to go back underground or maybe even never really existed in the first place. If you look at the volume of articles written about it in any forum there has been a precipitous drop. I do not have the correct tools to do any sort of thorough analysis but it has become topica non grata in the past few months and I have seen very few mentions in any writing on this site or any other in the past two at least. Apparently somebody still believes however as an email showed up in my inbox yesterday with the subject line “Diary of a Simulationist -Excerpts.” The sender was mblover69@(redacted).com. Cute, mb for Mike Bostrom no doubt but the 69 thing is kind of gross. lol! When I tried to respond everyone’s best/most hated friend mailer-daemon got the reply instead and kindly informed me it was undeliverable. Oh well, I tried. The entire thing is a mess of pseudophilosophical statements touching on religion the simulation and evolutionary theory. Throughout it all though is a very (real) human emotion for a widely shared human experience, great sadness at the death of a beloved pet. Like many of us the diarist is looking for a reason behind the seeming purposeless of that terrible loss. The picture was included as an attachment. Apparently our mysterious simulationist is a Stephen King fan, drinks orange juice, and has questionable taste in pajamas. Note that I refer to this person as “him” and “he” in the title and throughout though in truth the gender is unknown. The contents of the message are below in unedited form.
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Futurism
Science Retires
Author's preface: Because this story did not meet Vocal's ludicrous 600 word count minimum I am forced to add yet another annoying author's preface. This is in addition to the author's postscript at the end of the story which contains my anti-censorship statement and which I intend to attach to every story I publish on Vocal until such time as those policies are eliminated. Vocal refers to these policies as "community standards" but please let's call a chicken a chicken, or is it let's call a duck a duck? I actually don't think it is either of those but whatever, it is censorship plain and simple. See my article here which defines four of my biggest problems with them, but there are many more. In any event the big question now is exactly how many words am I at? Have I made it to the magic number of 600? If only Vocal's editor provided a word count for me so I did not have to waste 2 minutes cutting and pasting into Microsoft word to check. But alas, they do not. I am going to cross my fingers on this one, roll the dice and say, yes, I have now hit at least 600 words. Here's hoping! By the way the post is a humor classic from my vast library of The Onion style satirical news articles.
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Futurism
Kendra and Lil. Top Story - July 2021.
Wearing the heart-shaped locket wasn’t required for Kendra’s clone to function. It was more of a memento or possibly a form of advertising, that the clone company included with the delivery of Lil, the name she had chosen for her new arrival. Kendra immediately fastened the delicate chain around her own neck. The locket itself was slightly corny – the clone company’s logo engraved on the outside, the left side of the open locket containing a photo of Kendra, the right side containing a photo of Lil.
By Priscilla Kensington5 years ago in Futurism
