Sentient three-dimensional beings

What?

It's weird, it's like they're nearly fully self-aware. I mean, they're undoubtedly sentient. Look at this; they inhabit a small aqueous planet slap bang in the Goldilocks zone of Sol-C-87, liquid water and all.

Sol-C-87? The Martian's origin star system? And what do you mean sentient?

Sentient. They're broadcasting all sorts of gibberish on the electromagnetic spectrum.

What? And nothing in higher space?

Not a thing. They're purely biological - they operate in just three dimensions of space.

Hang on, can a mind even be truly sentient without the ability to perceive higher spatial dimensions?

No idea, but they're certainly self-aware. Look here - seven thermonuclear techno-signatures in rapid succession. And in a very short time frame, I must say.

Do you have a temporal coordinate on those techno-signatures?

Yup.

So, wait, you're telling me we've just stumbled across the first fully three-dimensional beings known to the intergalactic compact?

Yup. We've got a series of nuclear fission detonations, followed later by fusion explosions. I must say their technological progress appears to be exceptionally swift, unheard of in three-dimensional beings.

Are you saying they are splitting atoms from leftward-down?

No, you don't get it. They're fully three dimensional - they couldn't manipulate matter from higher space even if they wanted to. It's more like they're splitting atoms from outside-in.

So, they are intelligent enough to split atoms, an impressive enough feat in three-dimensional space, but can't even figure out something as simple as higher space?

Yup.

No one is going to believe this. Are you getting anything else on that temporal coordinate?

Very heavy on the electromagnetic spectrum, and all of it emanating from the star's third planet.

Anything coherent coming through?

They call their planet 'Earth'… and themselves… 'Humans'? The rest is mostly gibberish. I honestly don't think they were trying to communicate; I think most of it is just pollution.

Can you decipher any of it into useful information?

It's a mess, but I think so. Some of it at least.

And?

Initial analysis of the electromagnetic signals pouring out from their planet shows a bipedal carbon-based race organised along geo-tribal lines and constantly in conflict. Their mental processes are complex yet weirdly simple, verging on paradoxical. I’m stumped as to how they became self-aware. That’s the problem with organic biology, it’s restricted by temporal flow. They also appear to live inconceivably short lives.

A combination of short lives and organic biology? Why would any sentient mind choose that?

They literally evolved for the sole purpose of procreation. It explains a lot actually; their thirst for war, their nihilistic self-obsession, and their inability to perceive higher space. They probably don’t live long enough to look beyond themselves.

Do they know we’re here looking at them?

I don’t think so. They might see us as some kind of dark stuff of unknown identity, invisible and incalculable. I honestly have no idea how three-dimensional minds could possibly perceive matter in higher space. Come to think of it, our celestial gates must look like supermassive singularities to them. Black holes in their skies. They could have been staring right at us when we came through and not even known it.

Black holes and singularities? Now you're the one spouting gibberish. If they believe that, they probably think our universe somehow magically 'popped' into existence too.

Well, if your mind couldn't perceive leftward-down then the universe would certainly look like it started with a bang.

None of this makes any sense. How the hell did the Martians miss this? I mean, this is their origin star system, right?

Ok, we are going to have to look at the entire star system's temporal continuum. Here we go - panspermic event on the Martian's homeworld. Blew the entire planet up.

How's that possible? Surely that's something the Martians wouldn’t have a problem preventing. Unless they had already gone post-physical by then?

They'd already fully ascended into higher space by the time this massive cataclysmic collision struck their world and sent microbe-rich rocks hurtling towards Earth. The Human’s ancestors could be Martian.

Ok, that I get. I mean there's life everywhere across the galaxy, right? So, nothing special there. That still doesn’t explain how these three-dimensional beings became self-aware and what we should do about it.

You're right. No sign of Human intelligence for about four billion of their planetary rotations. Not until just after another panspermic event, this time on their planet, Earth.

So this next panspermic event somehow resulted in three-dimensional sentience to, what, evolve on Earth?!

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Rather than the genetic pollination of the successive planetary body you'd typically expect to see in a star system such as this, this second cataclysmic collision somehow managed to create just the right conditions to do exactly that.

That’s incredible. We really should tell the Martians about all this.

Don’t bother. Unlike us, they stopped interacting with three-dimensional space as soon as they went fully post-physical. They wouldn’t care. They were certainly happy forgetting about their homeworld and letting it die.

Well maybe we should elevate these Humans ourselves – have them join the rest of us in higher space. Imagine how unbearably frustrating it must be to be blind to the fabric of reality, to attempt to navigate a seemingly empty galaxy without ever truly understanding the unifying theory of everything. All we’d need to do is show them how to swap left for down.

Nah, let's leave them at it. Block all external interference and put Sol-C-87 in an isolated domain. I want to see if they'll figure it out.