Pisces is a Water Sign, Right?

To prepare, I did a teeny bit of research to remind myself of some things about the Zodiac. For example, Aquarius is obviously a water sign... wait. It's an air sign? Doesn't 'aqua' mean 'water'? How does that make any sense?! One second, let's look up Pisces. It's a fish, so I'm guessing water? Google says... water. Okay, we're on track again.

So I was born on March 19 of some year far enough back that I don't casually mention it. Who else shares this auspicious day? Bruce Willis and Glenn Close... solid actors, nice. (By the way, you know you'd like to see John McClane take on Cruella de Vil.) Harvey 'sex offender' Weinstein is next. Err... obviously he's no Willis or Close. Then comes Adolf 'Whoa isn't that one of the worst nazis ever?' Eichmann.

You know, maybe I better stop there.

Anyway, that puts me in the Pisces camp according to this menu I picked up in a Chinese restaurant. Also year of the Sheep. Which is okay, I guess? Wait, there are five types of sheep? I'm a Fire Sheep?! Okay, not as cool a Gold Sheep but still, kickass!

Wait, wasn't I talking about the other Zodiac?

More research tells me I'm ALSO on the Aries cusp. This means I was born close enough to March 21st that I almost needed to read the first horoscope entry in the newspaper rather than the last. Hold on, Aries is a ram. Which is kind of a sheep. And it's a FIRE sign. So if I had been a little lazier and dawdled for two more days prenatally, I could have been a double-flaming sheep/ram! Fear my wooly fury!

Or the whole cusp thing might mean nothing at all as several Z-gurus pointed out before getting into sissy slap fights with other online experts. Before we dive into my fishy sign, lemme check out the Cusp of Rebirth, March 17 - March 23, approximately. Apparently it changes from year to year for... reasons. Good, solid scientific reasons that I can't be bothered to write about. Anyhow, they say it's the BEST darned cusp! Honestly, after that whole Eichmann thing, I'm not inclined to look further.

Let's get back to Pisces (remember that I'm a Pisces?). Sometimes it's drawn as a yin-yangy fish pair and sometimes a curvy 'H' that looks like it'd make a decent Star Trek weapon with a little sharpening and a Klingon wielding it. To be specific, I mean the 'H', there. Although I don't doubt that if you get a Klingon mad enough, he could turn a pair of seafood entrees into a ticket to pain-ville.

It may shock you to know that there's no definitive description of these signs. <insert sounds of more slap fighting here> But apparently I should be compassionate, empathetic and... psychic? The last bit is making the Lovely Wife laugh so hard I think she's going to pass out. I'll be honest, I have the natural empathy of your average geologic formation. I can empathize with my fellow humans but it takes high explosives to get those emotions into my head far enough for me to notice them.

True story: I once annoyed the Lovely Wife to the point that she gave me the cold shoulder for TWO STRAIGHT DAYS and it was only at the end of this time that I finally asked, "Are you upset about something?" That's right, it took more than 48 hours to notice that she was angry and even then I didn't know it was my fault.

Moving on, we Pisceans are ruled by Neptune, the farthest planet from the sun. (Suck on that Pluto!) Neptune is in charge of creativity, dreams, illusions and flaky delusions. Really, I'm reading it right off the webpage. So I probably should be named Moon Unit and living in an art/cannabis commune somewhere? (In case you're wondering, Moon Unit Zappa is a Libra and seems like a lovely person.)

I do like the creativity angle, though. I dream and I write and I create. Like George Bernard Shaw (July 26, Leo) said, "There are those that look at things the way they are, and ask why? I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?"

In the end, every sign is a buffet of traits... pick what you like and run with those. (I would say it's a smorgasbord but I can't spell that without major help and apparently I'm leaving out some umlauts and funny circles and stuff.) If nothing else, the Zodiac tells us what we could achieve. My fellow fishes, you can be like the Hollywood star instead of the less-than-glamorous Hollywood producer! According to Chinese mythos, the humble carp can achieve enlightenment and evolve into a mighty dragon and if that isn't a worthy goal, I don't know what is.

P.S. Bonus points if you play Pokémon and suddenly realized something. Y'all know who you are.