Pirates of Dalarious

Space piracy was common in 2235. It was easy and legal, because there were certain parts of space that had no laws.

Captain Jay ran a part time intergalactic shipping company called Jays Jolly Janglers to add legitimacy to his piracy business. He was captain of the world famous ‘shipping vessel’ called ‘Jays Jolly Johnson.’

Captain Jays crew always started the day with their morning song, hoist the colors:

The king and his men

Stole the queen from her bed

And bound her in her bones

The seas be ours

And by the powers

Where we will, we'll roam

Yo ho, all hands

Hoist the colors high

Heave ho, thieves and beggars

Never shall we die

Now some have died

And some are alive

And others sail on the sea

With the keys to the cage

And the Devil to pay

We lay to Fiddler's Green

Yo ho, all hands

Hoist the colors high

Heave ho, thieves and beggars

Never shall we die

Of course they chose this song today as well, because their captain had kidnapped the First Lady of Dalarious, one of the wealthiest trade planets of the galaxy.

They expected a handsome ransom, because despite President Tracy Tuxtucalatos claims he didn’t negotiate with terrorists, Captain Jay knew he hit home when he immediately got a call from President Tuxtucalatos begging for his wife to be released.

The First Lady was securely stashed away in the ship's brig. There was no way President Tracy could rescue her before the hostage was willingly exchanged.

"Gentlemen," Captain Jay bellowed, silencing his rowdy crew, "Today is the day we strike it rich. The President himself has personally contacted me, begging for his wife's release. But you and I both know we don't give away our loot without a fight… or a hefty ransom."

Cheers and laughter erupted from the crew. They had pulled off the impossible, and now they were on the cusp of reaping the rewards.

“Rum for everyone,” Captain Jay shouted, and passed around freeze dried rum packets to everyone. They mixed the rum powder with water or soda before drinking it.

"Helmsman Jimmy, set a course for Planet 187. We'll make the exchange there. And if President Tracy tries to double-cross us, well, we'll just have to remind him who he's dealing with. We’ve captured and trained monkeys from the planet and if he brings his army to try and stop us we’ll release the monkeys on them. They’ll bite his soldiers and turn them into monkeys too! So raise your glass to planet 187,” Jay said.

“187” Jays crew shouted, raised their glasses, then slurped down their rum.

Captain Jay landed his ship near the monkey cages. They were early and set up scanners around the perimeter so if there was more than the ransom ship coming, Captain Jay would be alerted.

“Are you sure these scanners will work?” Captain Jay asked his technician, Pugsly.

“If they don’t, then you can spank my ass and call me Charlie,” Pugsly said.

“You’re a very… colorful person, Pugsly. I like you,” Captain Jay said and smiled.

They waited. An hour had passed before a small crew on a Dalarious flagged vessel carrying one hundred and sixteen boxes of gold and ten thousand boxes of Space Exchange currency landed.

The Dalarious crew got off the ship, and one of them shouted, “We’ve got what you want. Where is First Lady Gale.”

“Locked away. You’re not seeing her until we’ve scanned the boxes for explosives and tracking devices,” Captain Jay shouted.

“No deal,” The man shouted from his boat.

“Then no Gale,” Captain Jay shouted.

“Fine. One person can come and scan the boxes. One. I see any funny business, and we’re leaving,” the man shouted to Captain Jay.

Captain Jay sent one of his conscripts to scan the boxes.

“Dont screw this up, kid, and I might have to promote you to Captain when I retire,” Captain Jay said and smiled.

“Captain Kid, I like it. I won’t let you down,” the kid said and smiled. He ran off with a scanner in hand. Twenty minutes later he came running back out.

“Their ship was awesome. Also, I scanned everything. It seems to be safe. The scanner wasn’t triggered,” the kid said.

The captains crew brought out Gale.

“We exchange at the same time,” Captain Jay shouted.

The Dalarious crew brought out the gold and cash, and Jays crew brought out Gale.

They gathered the gold and released Gale to go with the Dalarians.

The space scanners were triggered.

“You brought others with you? We had a deal,” Captain Jay shouted.

“No, wait, you see… damn it they were supposed to wait until we were gone,” the man from Dalarious shouted.

“Release the monkeys,” Captain Jay said and his crew opened the monkey cages and sent them after the Dalarians.

“No, nnnoooooo,” they shouted as the monkeys bit them all, including Gale, turning them into monkeys.

“Time to go,” Captain Jay said, and they flew off with their loot.

A navel vessel had caught up to Captain Jays crew.

“Launch the interstellar space torpedos,” Captain Jay said. His crew did and the navel vessel was struck and crash landed on planet 187.

“Now that we’re rich, what do we do?” Timmy asked Captain Jay.

“We took a few monkeys with us from planet 187. We take our loot and the monkeys to Dalarious. We’ll repaint our vessel so no one there recognizes it. We’ll start a chain of hotels there, making us even wealthier. Then, one by one, we’ll turn the visitors into an army of obedient monkeys, then train them to fight until we have enough to take over Dalarious,” Captain Jay said.

“Won’t that be expensive and time consuming?” Timothy asked.

“Sorry, was that treason you were speaking? Should I have you walk the planks?” Captain Jay asked.

“No, sir. I said that sounds like a brilliant, genius plan, sir. As usual,” Timmy said.

Captain Jay Laughed.

“To Dalarious,” Captain Jay shouted. The crew cheered.

They took off at warp speed.