Of the Astrias

OF THE ASTRIARCS

The First Film about Spaceforce

Of the AstriasRolly - Shouldn't we be talking about the weather?

Dan (nearly cutting him off at his last word, slaps his knee and claims: - Ok!

The program director leaves the control room nonshalantly murmuring under his breath, (still angry that theyre using pervasive profanity)

Program director- these giddy ass muhfockas Americans think they do whateva dey wan. It ain't ma ass GETTIN fiahd FA dis. (He lights up his joint and leaves.)

Bevy, racing her Lexus convertible down the interstate swerving through LA TRAFFIC at unsafe speeds while facebooking while driving) looks down and sees in her news feed that the ISS SOACE STATION HAS BEEN HIJACKED and immediately assumes it's fake news.

Bevy: trunk was right! Fake freakin ass news. All damn day!

She tosses it in the backseat, it lands and reads:

INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION HIJACKED by onslaught "raiders of cherimoya"

INT KENNEDY SPACE CENTER

"There's been a hijacking.

ED HARRIS: not now fish, we got 12 days to make history by putting a set of god damned living animal on Mars

Agent - Where?

The ISS."

Their good lives goes in check when Dan shares the voicemail from the president of NASA along side US president Carter (Dave Matthews) and CIA chief (Leo dicaprio) and up gravity battle ensued the crew ends up in Russian airspace station to stop them from winning the ransom

"See? There's more to it than that." Says the president. We're just keeping a lid on it. While They're fucked up there. (Hostage on the space station

they are caught manipulating the space station....undercover...when Things get fishy when truth is leaked one drunken Night..as they are watching the Olympics from The ISS

"We're really here undercover to make sure that you don't do anything fishy"

when the ..a fight breaks out and the Russians wins by jettisoning dan to space. Everyone thinks he is dead at this point. But he lands on the moon and ends up having the time of his life BECAUSE HE THINKS HE IS GONNA DIE. AND HE JUST CONTINUES TO WAKE UP EVERYDAY. He even breaks his mask which causes him to realize that he is a true spaceman. "I am a true spaceman. This continues until he is saved one day by the lunar module....

As they are saving him;

I don't thinking I should go. I....am built for this.

KEER- WE JUST FLEW 286,000 MILES TO BRING YOU HOME. WE CAN'T GET THAT TIME BACK. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.

They stare at eachother;

Levi- HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THE SCENT OF A WOMAN?

DAN looks at earth and smiles

When the Russians (borlov) they cut off communications with Americans.......they're on their own to get back home......against the pull of gravity, against all possibilities. Stuck in the dark of nothing. Handcuffed.

The president is back home exclaiming...."something ain't right".

So he deploys The navy seal astronauts, the ASTRIARCHS ...to save them.

Ted doesn't wanna go. Dan sure as hell does.....

Ext scene one- Hollywood hills?

Scene 2

EXT- Sunset on Mojave desert - Friday.

They are sun tanning and having booze while gazing at galaxies thru their new humungous telescope.

Dan - Ted I uh, gotta come clean with ya man. (Finishes filling beer from keg on back of Teds truckjacuzzi and takes a sun felt sip of sudsy overflowing mug of fresh Guinness. He hands Ted a cold one). You've always been my wingman and I could never let you down. You're all I got. And it goes both ways.

(Dan looks semi puzzled)

Ted - what is it dan?

Dan - I got the call (schwigs beer) We're goin back.

(Music gets suspenseful)

(Ted looks up from telescope and back in)

Ted - You.....you're going back.

(Tension increases a slight bit)

Dan - I'm- I'm not stayin here, on Mother Earth bored out of my mind, gettin drunk everynight, just banging broads, it gets boring here ha know. Especially when I got space callin...

Ted - well I promised my wife that I'd never go back. It's dangerous. It's scares her.

Dan- grab your shirt I won't go without ya.

(Lines up golf ball) driverCan't do it. Won't. (Wacks ball into sun)

Ted- nah, she needs me, I love her, an she wants me here.

Dan- have you lost it Ted Kazinsky?!?!

The worlds gonna end. She ain't gonna be here

If we don't stop these guys we wife beach Jaguars

Dan - (gets in his face) Your kahunas man. Your manhood.

Ted - No

Dan - (gives a 'yeah right look towards the camera the turns around and looks at the sky and lines up for another swing) Ted I remember the time you were fired up man, for life. You were a real snapper. A real headbanger. Pushes the telescope away and looks into his eyes.)

Were! And you're turnin into some goated up butter mouse just grazin into nothing!!!

Ted- at least I don't have to hit strip clubs wrapped up on booze just to find love. And I love my wife

Dan- yeah and do you like your life?

(He hesitates) music starts

Dan - Don't you feel like something's missin???

(Ted Upset, but starts to sees the truth.

(Dan touches his shoulder)

Dan- I don't wanna see you at 90, from a broken wheelchair looking at the world sayin Dan man....I wish I had another chance. A chance at life. To do something great. To make it count. And instead of letting it slip by through into the cracks....you look it in the FACE and grab that son of a bitch and twist IT! Bam!

(Whacks golfball into the sun. )

Ted- I'm not leaving Jenny. I just can't.

Dan- LookTeddio! (throws golf club manically) I can't do this without you. (Pulls clip out of his px4 beretta loads it back in, cocks it and holds it by his side in left hand pointed at he ground. Not this time. No.

Ted- Why the hell do you have a gun out here?

Dan- This is America Ted! I don't bring knives to gun fights.

(They stare at eachother as the sun begins to set. The wind blows between them.)

Ted - (Nods looking disheveled, does a sinus grab then looks up, takes a deep breath.

(Gains back enthusiasm and gets pumped slowly.)

Ted - ok. I'll go. Let's go let's go!

They get in race car in garage and speed around recklessly,

Whoooooooooo!!!

So where are we goin?!

To nasa duh

Wait wait....it's not tonight...it's next week. The things next week.

Oh

Now you say so. Shit man I was really pumped!

D- Let's go see some chicks maybe!

Larry - Ok that. Let's...that.

look years and years ago before you were born you couldn't see now you're 30 and you can see is clear as day your whole life into the future and how great everything is going to be and everything is great everything is

and you still can't see

Slaps Hanz hi five at a beach front party torches sick me like shit light show in sick music

Hayes. Looks through telescope and sayings "Every star I find I gain a Dillion dollars""

check out the acc dude. (account reads 411 million)

And that's only one of em...let's spend some baby!

And I'm getting 500 grand thrown into my Edjones at midnight -somebody find me a girl that likes me!

Jack walks in: Jackkkkk!!! About God dang time I see rattz walks over you son of a bitch feels like 50 years and used and you're still shitty shit eating grin

Jack while smiling ...'ll mess your life.up who is everyone

Hay Itll take me forever to introduce you you're going to have to ask them yourselves

LETS. GO SEE SOME LAZERS. POINTS TO GIRL "yumi" chucks frisbee at her tummy

"Come with Come with" cmoncmoncmoncmoncmoncmoncmoncmoncmo

Dan- You're only Giving me lip, Motherboard, so you can get a closer look at me...I know how you felines work. I'll always be better than you though. And cooler.

Just joint - Dude I am fogged up as a mother dog.

You're tellin me

I am. I'm lookin right down the line of life, senchin out those goodies of the world. The gummies man.

Ok. Ok

There is no this or that. There is a portal. Humans call it life. It is this intercoms soon we all vast and wonder about. The logic of his and hat whatever. You're in it. Enjoy it. If you're insecure.....get over it. Feeling like a bitch?? Stop being a sissy. You gay? Give a frog a kissy.

EXT NIGHT.

Dan wakes up in lawn of front yard to see a burning glow in the distant over the treesline. He realizes it's coming this way. He runs to the rv for cover and binoculars. Flying light comes so close he doesn't need the binoculars.

The ship crashes over he hill and a blue flame appears in the sky. (The ground starts to shake).

Did I just envision my fate? (Grabs his arms to make sure he is still alive....). Ground shakes more and he runs inside for his wife....he finds her running with their baby when the blue flame engulfs he room and the roof collapses on all of them suddenly. (An outward zoom shows the hand of the baby caught underneath the rubble as the blue flame burns thru everything. Ted fights the fire for a second but can't stop it before he is burned alive. He wakes up and everything repeats except there is no anomaly flying towards them. His look remains disheveled. He jogs the same path around his house, passing the telescope and up the stairs into the backdoor to find his wife safe and sound in a rocking chair; holding their baby as the other lays asleep next to the mini-fire. He grabs her and kisses her)

Ted - you have no idea what it's like to see you everytime.

She smiles

Jenny- he's dreaming about you

Ted - he sure is ain't he

He kisses her head and the camera slow zooms and pans out to the villion star night sky.

INT

Mid day. Dan is speeding in his Tesla whizzing by cars and jumping over hills in lower San Fransisco. He even whizzes by a police cruiser but the cops don't pull him over because he is him. They are Steve Bushemy and Owen Wilson.

Young Cop1 - uh we got a speeder.

Older cop Cop 2 continues watching his smartphone movie.)

Cop2- hmm uhh. Nah that's uh, Dan Schlansky.

Younger Cop 1- oh.......who is Dan Schlansky

(He nonshalantly replies)

Older cop- "some astronaut who saved the world, ugh twice."

(Young cop nods)

Hmm

(Dan gets some more air in his tesla just as he nearly slams into an old lady pedestrian walking by but he hits he breaks to stop just in the nick of time.)

Dan- Breaking distance. Hell right.

He jumps out of the car

"MOM"

He hugs her and exclaims;

DAN- LOVE YOU.

Do you want a ride somewhere or something?

MOm - no Almost to the concert

DAN- ok ILL SEE YA LATER

INT DAY NASA PROPULSION LABORATORY

Scene 8: int they hijack the spaceship.

The spy also knows Russian. So he knows what the RUSSIAN IS SAYING. HE RELAYS THE MESSGE TO THE OTHERS.

The Russians are in on them. They know. The scene begins with the russian walking in a room of Americans. Guns drawn.

(All Guns drawn)

We can't let you do that.

MUEY draws gun. And yells Russian....

KARLOV- in Russian, You brought guns to space?

DAN- you brought guns into space?

Boris- we brought guns into space? (in Russian)

They put the guns down. A most epic Space Fight Occurs. It cuts before it’s finished.....

Into a...

Flashback: Earth 4 months ago....

Int: Night Tv; Meter or Bust showroomfloor.

(Kazinsky yells to production crew) - Get your momma ass over here we got some weather goin on and shits gettin real fvckers. Get on out and get down. This is shit is happening. (To camera - in character.)🍀 You know somethin folks, the time is now, the night is tonight. The ghosts are waxin. The turtle doves are a bingin. Aside from all the mess that's goin on around the pilotical globe today, WE got all the access in the world to the best atmospheric meteorology on the planet. Time warner cable can suck the water outta the Great Lakes! This is Meteor or Bust!

This is my land. This is America. I’m American as fK, I love cuttin grass on a Thursdy. Sunsets. These are my skies. Pretty ladies....gimme the hot chicks, the dicey spicy, gas the yacht and gimme some ice cold grino cus it's time to get slippery in this place. No one can take that away from me. Where's Ro Mazinsky?

Ro slides in: well I'll tell ya Rick this icy shit ain't no brick mutha. I mean lookit, call me a slenda Sally, but I ain't waitin all night for NO DAMN snowstorm (cracks beer) and there ain't NO GD RAIN happenin so you know there ain’t no mah fvckun snow! all FKIN WEEK TANITE!

Kazinsky- That’s right! TANITE! all you beautiful astro astronomy physicist looney tunes out there can get your freak on under the moonlight and to the stars. NOBODYS STOPPIN YOU.

Ro- YEAH THATS GREAT. (PAUSE) music starts:

He sits. - I sit here. Right here. Feet elevated. Feeling nice. It's 73 degrees. Iced matcha tea here with me. I don't ask for much but I will ask this. What the FVCK is a probiotic beverage?

Ro - Shouldn't we be talking about the weather?

Kaz - Right

Cut!

Ext: NIGHT, backdeck party, pool, billiards, dodgeball, etc

Meeks is on the fence about going back to space, he quit delta force when Bag was elected president and screwed up the force in the 2000s. He wants to fight but he has been mislead and disenfranchised....he drinks to somber his misguided warrior spirit. warrior spirit!

MEEKS takes a huge gulp of vodka:

To Era: “SO HOW DOES IT FEEL TO LOSE at life. No one likes it. You just did it. I’m the witness... How does it feel. HAHAHAHA.

Era: oh shut up I’ll whip your ass on the next one....

Meeks: REMEMBER. WHO HAS THE EYE? YOU DO. I WISH THE WORLD COULD BE PEACEFULLY WHITE WITH SNOW WHILE STILL HOT AS MEXICO BUT, THERE IS NO MORE TIME. I’M MOVING ON. AWAY FROM THIS BORING, GRUCE HUMID OLD MONOTONOUS PLACE-WHERE THE HEVILHAGGLERS NEVER STOP THE HALGOWIN! AND THE WOMEN NEVER STOP BITCHING! NOTHING! THERE IS NOTHING! THERE IS NOTHING HERE FOR ME!!! NOTHING!!! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS BULLSHIT!! I AM FINISHED WITH THIS - THIS PLACE SUCKS! THE PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET SUCK!!...THIS BROKEN CAVORIC PLACE WHERE NOBODY CARES ABOUT WHAT ANYBODY CARES! MASS MIND CONTROL MEDIA. I COULD SHUT IT DOWN IN A SECOND BUT I AM DONE! EVERYONE PROGRAMMED BY THE TV.....I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT! IT'S OVER. EVERY SECOND I SPEND HERE IS GONE INTO THE WINDS OF ETERNITY NOTHING!!!

He tears up....

I JUST HATE, THAT THERE ARE SOMETHINGS- CLASSIFIED THINGS THAT I AM NOT ALLOWED TO TELL YOU....

She smiles, runs up and caresses his neck and jumps into his arms. He catches her.

ERA: IT’S OK. YOU HAVE ME. YOUR ORACLE. YOUR ZELDA.

MEEKS: WHEN IM GONE, I’LL MISS YOU THE MOST

They lock eyes. An extremely rare bird hovers around them. They lock lips.

Meanwhile outside on the porch overhanging the cliff,

DENI looks through a telescope at Venus.

DENI: AND THAT IS WHY I AM ALIVE.

JAY, her love, hits the pool-ball into the hole by way of miracle trick shot.

JAY: I WIN

ROD: I CARE

They smile. Jay jumps in the jacuzzi.

Jay: Somebody bring me an umbrella drink. I just retired. And I've got a buzz to get on.

ROD: JUST KIDDING....

He lets go of DAURA’s hand. She falls INTO THE 🏊 MOONLIT POOL

All of a sudden a sound rumbles overhead that shakes the entire neighborhood. It is a shindig. Oh, and strobe lights. He stops dancing with Lola and sprints through the fog to the crows nest. In the seethering distance a burning blue flame engulfs the bottom of the UFO as it drifts over the dark horizon slowly. It glides over the tree-line as soundless as deep space and disappears behind the valley tall trees. They look up and, the EARTH SHAKES.

MEEKS:COMING?

He notions to her as they move. RARA hands him a pistol.

They sprint thru the woods and down the valley - it is gone. They peer around for clues and note track marks on the ground leading it up the rear of a most peculiar house.

JAY: WHAT IN THE SH-

Bu (Jobe Juneau)

BU: I’M GOING IN. I’M TOO OLD FOR WATCHING SHIT GET OUT OF HAND AND DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT.

MEEKS: HELL NO.

Meeks grabs him by the shoulders.

MEEKS: NOT WITHOUT ME. NOT WITHOUT A WITNESS.

He turns away while grabbing his gloved hand and thrusts him forward as they begin to jog.

BU: EVIDENCE.

MEEKS slides into a tree

MEEKS: KEEP GOING.

Kneels down and phones Lara but gets no answer. He breathes deep, and looks up towards the top of the grove where the house lies. They look at each other, enable night vision, then sneak up onto the hill.

The sky is dark orange and blue- a rainstorm begins....they float silently through the moat and RUN INTO a CAVERN as it begins to RAIN....they stop to catch their breath and begin to spy around the mansion into the windows until finally someone exits for a smoke. This is their chance to enter....they do.

Meeks and Bu make it inside, sneaking just past the man. He looks in their direction seconds after they disappear. They sneak down a humungous hall and stop when they see purple smoke and hear voices speaking an undeterminable language.

They look at each other and use sign language to sneak around them. They diffuse the situation with choke holds and SG2 rods from behind, causing them to pass out, one at a time.