Gold and Purple Love Zaps

The little black book is the best thing that ever happened to me. I found it on the countertop of the bar where I worked in my early 20s. I had served some dainty, well groomed man one too many mimosas on a Sunday afternoon. I remember him writing zealously in the book, taking breaks to sip his beverage- pinky out- and run a hand through his immaculate blond hair. Then I watched him stumble out into the street in his brown tweed slacks, leaving the book behind and a twenty dollar tip. I didn’t notice the book in time to catch him.

That day, after my shift, I decided to take a peak and holy God, I was in for a tale. He wrote about how he was abducted by extraterrestrials recently. He spent some time on a planet in the Orion galaxy, a planet covered mostly in water. The beings there were blue, covered in scales and totally benevolent. They explained to him that his mission was to help humanity end the war against themselves and this would help create universal peace. What I read sent goosebumps all up my spine.

Later that night, I went up to the roof of my Brooklyn brownstone and stared at the twinkling stars. I found Orion’s belt and imagined this planet a thousand light-years away, full of sentient life. I felt inspired to say something to them, as ridiculous as that sounds, and what I chose to say surprised me.

“Abduct me,” I whispered, my heart full of yearning. “Please, I’m ready. Abduct me.” I opened my arms in surrender, ready to leave planet Earth.

I waited for maybe forty minutes but sadly they didn’t come. I went to bed and continued to read the book. I wanted to know how, how was he helping humanity end the war against themselves. He went on to write about the violence within himself. “I will begin here,” he wrote. It struck me as funny that while examining the violence within himself, he was getting stupid drunk on mimosas. He wouldn’t be the first human to use this method.

As disappointed as I was to not get abducted, a dream came to me that night that was unlike any other I’d had before. These brilliant, ethereal beings made of light were sitting with me on a mountain top. There were three moons in the sky, so I knew it wasn’t Earth. The sky was dark and the air was warm. There were three of these beings. They had what looked like a human body but were much taller and had no tangible form, just white light.

“It’s so good to see you,” one of them said to me, their eyes sparkling with kindness and familiarity.

“It’s good to see you too!” I gushed. “How am I doing?”

“How do you think you’re doing?” another one asked.

“I don’t know. I’m confused all the time. I don’t know if I like it here on Earth.” I started to cry.

“You chose to come here,” the third one said.

“I did?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” If there were other worlds where you could live in water like a mermaid or float around made of light, I could not imagine why I would choose to be a human on Earth!

“You know why,” the first one said. “We’re going to help your memory.”

Suddenly, all three of them were shooting streams of gold and purple light at me. The streams went straight into my heart and my whole chest expanded, filling me with love and euphoria and a sense of safety like I never felt before.

I woke up smiling. I wanted to hug the entire world. I looked at the clock and it was 4am. Oh, how I wanted to hug the entire world! How could I do that?

The next day I had the afternoon shift at the bar again. I brought the book with me, just in case my dainty friend came back looking for it. Some of the regulars sat at the counter, hip 20 somethings with agile minds and a New York dream. I was radiant! Everyone wanted to know who I went to bed with last night. If they only knew. My energy was so infectious, everyone felt inspired to talk about what they wanted to do with their lives.

“Easy! Once I pass the bar, I’m going to prosecute white collar crime! I’m going after the big boys!” one man said.

“Improv theater, baby. I’m going straight to the top. Radio City Music Hall, here I come!” a woman said.

“I want to fall in love and get married and raise a family on the Upper West Side,” another woman said shyly, to which we all offered her a bunch of ‘awwwww’s.

“What about you? What do you want to do with your life?” the first man asked.

I thought for a moment and the answer came effortlessly.

“I want to travel the world and be kind to everyone along the way and listen to all their stories.”

Just uttering these words made me happy.

“That’s easy enough. Why don’t you do that?” he replied.

“I can’t afford it,” I replied. “But one day, maybe. How much would it cost to travel for a year?”

“I bet you could do it on ten grand,” he said. “It would be better if you had more than that.. But it can be done.”

“Hmm.” Practically all my money was going into the rent machine of the city so I wasn’t sure how this would happen.

My barflies gradually left one by one and it was time to do my usual chores of sweeping, mopping and wiping the tables down. As I counted the money in the register, I heard the bell on the door handle ring. I had forgotten to lock the door. Without looking up I said, “We’re closed. We open again in an hour.”

“I have a delivery for you,” a soft voice said.

I looked up. It was the blond man who left the little black book! And he was still dressed very, very well!

I was stunned. I didn’t say anything. I looked down and he was holding a vintage bag covered in orange and yellow flowers.

“That’s for me?” I asked.

“Yes.” He walked over to the bar and handed it to me over the counter.

“I don’t understand,” I said, taking the bag.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to.” He smiled at me. His crystal blue eyes looked deep into mine and all my reservations melted.

“Okay. Thank you.”

He tipped his fedora hat to me in an old-timey gesture and walked out of the bar. I remembered his black book.

“Hey! I have your book!” I hollered. I hopped over the counter, ran out the door and tried to find him on the street. He was nowhere to be seen. I went back inside and locked the door.

The vintage bag sat enticingly on the counter. I took light-footed baby steps towards it as though I may scare it off if I approached too fast. Slowly, I opened a golden clasp at the top and peered inside the bag.

What I found floored me: stacks and stacks of cash! The bag with the orange and yellow flowers was filled with money! My heart fluttered with excitement as I reached in for a stack. It looked like money, it smelled like money and I couldn’t say whether or not it tasted like money but I imagine that it did!

I suddenly became aware of myself in space and time and realized I needed to get home as quickly as possible. I closed up shop and walked down the street trying to look like a normal person but holding the bag close to my chest like a paranoid person, which is normal for New York. I only lived a block over, thankfully.

When I got to my apartment, I ran to my room and counted the money on my bed. Twenty thousand dollars! The dainty man who scribbles about alien abductions gave me $20,000!

That night I went up to the roof of my brownstone again and stared up at the stars.

“Thank you,” I said. “Abduct me?”

I waited but just like the night before, no one came. I had another dream, however. I was back on the mountain top with the light beings.

“You want to be abducted again?” one of them asked. “How many times do you want to be abducted?”

“This is an abduction?”

“Yes,” they replied.

“Cool.” That’s what I said. Cool.

“Do you remember why you chose to come to Earth now?” another one asked.

I thought about the conversation in the bar.

“I just want to roam the Earth and be kind to everyone.”

“Cool,” they all replied in unison.

“Enjoy traveling,” the third one said. “Looks like you came into some money.”

“Yeah, how did you… ?”

“That’s enough questions. We’re going to give you one more love zap and then off you go.”

Once again, they all shot gold and purple streams of light into my heart and I was a blissed out little human. I woke up again wanting to hug the entire world.

That was the year I went traveling. And the little black book? Well, I was sitting in a cafe in Barcelona and was struck with the inspiration to write. I took the book out of my bag and wrote a wild tale about the well groomed man at the bar, the dream about the brilliant light beings on the mountain top and the vintage bag with orange and yellow flowers.

And wanting to roam the Earth being kind to people.

Then, as quickly as inspiration struck, I felt an impulse to dart out of the cafe, leaving the book on the table. Oh, well.

I wish for whoever found it lots of happiness and maybe some delicious gold and purple love zaps too.

To be continued...