Down

Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say.

But I could hear her scream.

As the hatch burst open and she was sucked into the void, her helmet still drifting in front of her, I swear I could hear it. Her last breath whooshing out of her as the air exploded into the dark. I heard it in my ear. A tiny, quick whisper over the radio.

Then she was gone.

I watched her float away on the screen at my station, her mouth open and gasping. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. My hands were locked on the panel, gripping so hard it hurt. My body shook, every muscle locked. She was still screaming. I could hear it. Everywhere, all around me. She drifted away on the screen and was still screaming and there was no way I could get to her. The sound rattled around the room, ringing in my ears. My throat hurt, my lungs refused air.

Hands grabbed me and wrenched me out of my seat, away from the screen. Away from her. I couldn’t tear my eyes off. She was just a speck, fading fast, but if I looked away then she was really gone. She couldn’t be gone. She was still screaming! We had to go back! We couldn’t leave her out there!

Someone pressed me against the wall and stepped in front of me. I couldn’t see her! I can’t lose her! I tried to shout but couldn’t. There was no air. There was no air and she was still screaming. I flailed against the person, blind to who it was. The person shook me, hard. Grabbed my face and made me look at him. Greggory. The panicked look in his eye. The screaming, everywhere. And I couldn’t breathe. With a snap, I figured it out.

It was me screaming.

As soon as I realized, I stopped abruptly and gasped in air, cold and brisk. Hurt going down. I couldn’t keep screaming, a tiny voice in the back of my mind said. It was bad for the oxygen levels. I whimpered instead, staring at Greggory and choking back the screams that desperately wanted to erupt. Hot tears obscured my vision and I shook my head to clear them, flinging salty water into his face. He gripped my shoulders, so I grabbed his arms.

“We have…to go back…” I choked out. “She…”

Greggory was shaking his head. “Maen…”

“No!” I shrieked and pounded once on his chest. “No, we have to go back!”

“We can’t.”

“She could still be—”

“She’s dead, Maen.”

“NO!” I pounded my fists against his massive chest, over and over. “No! no, she’s not!” But I knew. I knew. He didn’t fight me, just let me flail against him. “We can’t just leave her out there!”

“We can’t go back.”

“We have time,” I nodded vigorously at him, suddenly gripping his jumpsuit with both hands. “We have time!” I imagined her drifting out there, cold and alone forever. A strangled cry erupted from my mouth, “Please!!” I begged.

“We have to get the supplies to—”

“I don’t care!” I bellowed.

“Yes, you do!” Greggory thundered even louder. “Thousands of people will die if we don’t finish this. We have to keep going.”

“I can’t just leave her—”

“Maen she’s gone!” Greggory slammed me against the wall, hard. I smacked my head against the bulkhead and pain lanced across my skull. “We have to keep going. We get one shot at this.”

I whimpered. Shuddered. Moved my hands from his chest and pressed them to my face. My insides were tearing apart. I shook all over. Head to toe. The tightness in my chest threatened to break my ribs. My stomach was a knot. I forced myself to take shaky breaths.

“I’m sorry,” Greggory said, softer now. “But I need you right now. If we’re going to make it through the patrols, I need you at the helm.”

I shook my head.

“You have to or all of us are going to die.” Greggory’s said softly. His words made me look up. I glared at him and he held my gaze, unflinching. Then I glanced to Idris and Niggs scattered around the rest of the helm. Idris was crying and shaking, one hand over her mouth. Niggs just looked scared. He was staring at me, trembling. His eyes blank.

My family. Plus June in the engine room far below. I imagined, just for a second, that they were all drifting out there with her. Gasping for air, cold. Alone. I shuddered and looked back to Greggory. I couldn’t let them die…too.

That sobered me. I took a few deep breaths. Bad for the oxygen levels, yes, but…we had some to spare now. I had to focus. Tears obscured my vision again, collecting around my eyes and staying there. Blinking did nothing, so I wiped them on my jumper sleeve, sniffled, swallowed, then nodded to Greggory.

He released me.

I glanced at each of them once, then walked back to the pilot’s seat, my mag-boots clicking against the metal floor and holding me in place as I walked. The view from the docking bay was still brought up on my screens. I touched two fingers to the screen’s edge. She wasn’t there anymore. Not even a spec in the distance. She was just gone.

Silent.

Slowly, deliberately, I started to force everything down, down, down. Into that box deep inside me where all bad things go. I felt myself detach, become an observer inside my own body. Me, but not me. I separated from the feelings, the tightness in my chest, the clench in my stomach. I felt myself grow dim. Far away. And the age-old mantra from before I met her sang in my head once again.

What’s past doesn’t matter. This is present.

I grew calm. The tightness eased. My muscles relaxed a little. My mind cleared as the task at hand anchored in my thoughts. The patrols, the barricade, the plan. Our one shot. I was the pilot. We were the crew. They would die if I couldn’t pull this off.

“Goodbye, Layla.” I muttered, my voice horse and flat. The last of my feelings drifted off with her. I was numb. It was past. This was present. I flicked the screen off and took my seat, hands grasping the controls. We would be in range of the patrols in just a few minutes.