True Stories from an Aussie Escort | The Funniest (and Strangest) Moments on the Job

So, yes — I work as an escort in Melbourne.

Most people assume it’s all candle-lit rooms, sexy video shoots, silk sheets, and mysterious rich clients whispering poetry in my ear. But let me be real: sometimes, it’s more like sitcoms meets chaos.

I’m here to share some of the funniest, weirdest, and most unforgettable moments from my job as a full-time Aussie escort in Melbourne. These are 100% real, and if you’re sipping coffee, brace yourself. You’ve been warned.

The Time a Client Forgot Why He Was There

One lovely Thursday evening, I opened the door to greet a very polite man who looked vaguely confused. He stepped inside, looked around my place, and said:

“Sorry... is this the Airbnb?”

Turns out, he’d booked two appointments — one with me, one with a real estate agent. Guess which one I was? Not the one with keys to a 2-bedroom flat in Fitzroy.

When “GFE” Became “Girlfriend-FEED-Me”

If you don’t know, GFE stands for Girlfriend Experience — one of the most popular services among Aussie escorts in Perth listings. It’s supposed to be all romantic and cozy. Think cuddles, conversation, maybe a sexy video for later.

Well, one guy took the “girlfriend” thing very seriously.

He showed up with two bags of groceries, asking if I could cook him spaghetti Bolognese before we got started.

“You’re Italian, right?”

“No, I’m Portuguese.”

“Oh. Can you still cook spaghetti?”

I did. And I burned it. So technically, it was an authentic experience.

Alpaca Roleplay. Yes, You Read That Right.

There’s no elegant way to say this.

A client once asked me to pretend to be an alpaca.

He brought his own alpaca costume — with a tail. He said it was “non-sexual, just emotional support.”

Look. I’ve barked like a dog before, done mildly confusing cosplay, but this one? I nearly broke character when he offered me a carrot and said, “You’ve been such a good girl, Alpaca-Lisa.”

He paid for 90 minutes. I lasted 38. Not my proudest GFE.

The Sexy Video... with a Script

Sometimes, clients request custom sexy videos. And sometimes, they send scripts.

One client wrote a four-page monologue where I had to be a spy escaping from a failed mission, while seducing my enemy with intelligence, charm, and latex gloves.

He emailed it with a note:

“You MUST pronounce ‘Croatia’ like ‘Kro-AY-sha’ for accuracy.”

Oscar-worthy? No. But I now have a custom fake spy accent that only gets used in very specific circumstances.

The Overly Prepared “First-Timer”

He brought:

• A change of socks
• Breath spray
• A checklist printed from Reddit titled: “How to Treat Your Escort Like a Queen”

Sweetest guy ever. But the moment he walked in, he tripped over his own shoelaces, face-planted onto the floor, and said, muffled:

“We’re off to a great start.”

Alexa, Stop!

Mood music? Great idea.

Unless Alexa randomly decides to play a funeral hymn mid-session.

Me: “You like jazz?”

Alexa: “Now playing: Ave Maria – Gregorian Chant Version.”

My client was a priest’s son.

He burst out laughing and said, “My dad would actually approve of this.”

Escorting in Melbourne Isn’t Just a Job — It’s a Sitcom

Sure, I’ve had upscale dates at rooftop bars, stayed at boutique hotels, and even filmed a few tasteful sexy videos for regulars who wanted something private. But what really sticks with me? The bloopers. The bizarre. The unpredictable human moments.

I’m not just a GFE escort in Melbourne — I’m also a cook (bad one), actress, impromptu therapist, alpaca, and jazz critic.

So… Why Do I Share These?

Because the world assumes escorts are either heartbreakers or heartbroken. But some of us are just regular people trying to pay bills, make connections, and — occasionally — get paid to neigh like a domesticated camelid.

If you’re thinking of becoming an escort in Melbourne, or you’re just here for the laughs, I hope this gave you a new angle on a very misunderstood industry.