Toby Keith's Incredible Shrinking Penis

On the morning of September 11, 2021, Toby Keith, no not the country singer he gets that all the time, woke to find that his penis was smaller than he remembered.

It was impossible not to notice. Toby woke from a sexy dream, like most mornings. He went to sleep staring at photos of nearly naked women on his phone, and this seemed to spark good dreams throughout the night. In this most recent dream, he was getting a blowjob from Sarah Palin. Man, could that lady suck dick. Must be all the extra space in her head.

Needless to say, Toby Keith usually woke up with a raging hard-on, and the morning of September 11, 2021 was no exception. That Sarah Palin dream had really gotten his juices flowing. He threw back the blankets and pulled down his shorts to release his cock for the morning jerk session.

That's when he saw the unfortunate circumstances. He gripped his penis in his hand, ready to go to work, still thinking about those bright red Palin lips, her dark brown hair. He could smell it! But, instead of getting the stroke motion up to speed, he paused.

The tip of his penis was now barely poking out above the edge of his hand. Even with an erection? What? This couldn't be right.

His thoughts of a quick climax quickly fell by the wayside.

Toby Keith leapt up from his bed and ran to the laundry room, where a tape measure was stored. He quickly fished it out of his cloth tool bag. It was metal and the metal was cold on his skin. Hollow clickety-clack sound as he pulled the yellow scroll of hash marked measurements from its sleeve.

Luckily, his erection was still throbbing, although with less enthusiasm. Toby held the tape next to his dick, as he had done countless times before.

This can't be right, he thought to himself. He was even measuring from the proper spot, the underside of the base. So many fools measure their cocks from the top of the base, or worse, from the side. Idiots.

The measurement read just over four inches. All the previous times Toby had measured his penis, it had been approximately five and three quarters. Five and three quarters inches. The number was seared in his brain. He wasn't going to be a porn star or anything, but he had read enough articles on the internet to know this was a respectable size, just over the average.

Four inches! What the fuck is this? FOUR INCHES??! How was this possible?

He released the measuring tape and it snapped back into its casing with a Th-th-th-thwip! noise. Toby's brain was reeling. He paced frantically about the hallway of his small one bedroom apartment, dragging his boxers around, still hanging from his left ankle. He noticed the boxers, one of his favorite pairs made with designs of the American flag, and he kicked them off angrily.

Had he eaten something that could cause this? Had he drunk something? Had something poisoned him somehow? Toby Keith had read a lot on the subject of penis size, and nothing had ever been mentioned that things could shrink dicks. Not that he could remember.

Obviously dicks shrink in cold, especially in cold water. He wasn't cold. And drinking lots of Mountain Dew was known to lower sperm count or something. He hadn't touched Mountain Dew in years. There was a condition known as "whiskey dick" where guys can't keep it up after a night of drinking that liquor. Toby preferred beer anyway. He was a Bud Light man. But none of that explained a physical diminishing of size.

This was almost enough to cause a panic. Four inches wasn't a respectable dick. Four inches was a SMALL PENIS. Toby didn't have a girlfriend at the moment, but if he did, she would surely scoff and wonder why his cock suddenly wasn't getting as erect as before. She would think something was wrong.

Lots of articles on the subject liked to claim that women didn't care about penis size. Their go-to take on this subject was, "there are other ways to please a woman." What, like going down on them? Yeah, right. This was just an obvious ploy to get men to stop feeling inadequate if they were one of the unfortunate souls burdened with a SMALL PENIS. Toby Keith was not one of those souls. Toby Keith had always had a respectably above average length johnson.

Until today.

Maybe my testosterone levels have dropped, he thought. Toby walked to his kitchen and rummaged through his medicine bottles sitting on the shelf. He didn't care that at this moment he looked like an insane person, standing in his kitchen, clad only in a white wife-beater undershirt and a pair of white socks, his flabby red-spotted ass exposed to the world, and his pale floppy penis now shriveled like a scared turtle up into its nest of black pubes.

Be damned if I'm going to have a small dick, Toby said to himself as he found what he was looking for, a bottle of testosterone supplements called STEEL FORTRESS. The recommended dose was two pills a day. Toby took five. One for every inch of his manhood.

The rest of the day was spent researching his dilemma on the internet trying to self-diagnose his issue. To some, this may seem trivial, but not to Toby Keith. To Toby Keith this was a medical emergency. It required him to take the day off from work. His boss at McDonald's was not exactly pleased that he called out, but Toby did not care. The internet wasn't going to research itself.

He perused the usual places, WebMD, Google, the Mayo Clinic. Nothing seemed to have the answer. One thing he kept finding was that it was normal for penis size to start shrinking in middle-aged and elderly males. This was because of multiple factors like bloodflow restriction, high blood pressure, testosterone and the like.

This worried Toby. He had never read this information before. Toby wasn't elderly by any means, but he was no spring chicken either. Toby was 45 years old. Toby was what some might call middle aged. Toby went to bed that night worried that he was doomed to die as a man with a SMALL PENIS. He almost didn't have the motivation to look up pictures of naked women before he fell asleep. But, old habits die hard.

The next morning, things got worse.

On September 12, 2021, Toby Keith, no not the country singer he gets that all the time, woke to find that his penis was EVEN SMALLER.

He again awoke with his customary raging hard-on, thanks in no small part to a dream in which Marjorie Taylor-Greene was letting him fuck her up the ass while she recited the Pledge of Allegiance. Man, that was hot. Toby couldn't wait to grab his junk and spurt his load while shouting his own allegiance.

But this plan wasn't meant to be. Toby was shocked and appalled to find that his penis, even throbbing and full of blood, was barely long enough to fill his palm.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

Toby sprung from his bed and again ran to his tape measure.

Clickety-clackety.

TWO INCHES!

TWO INCHES!

THIS WAS A NIGHTMARE. Toby threw his tape measure against the wall in disgust. It dented the plaster and ricocheted loudly off into the room with a clatter of noise.

A two inch cock was much worse than a SMALL PENIS. A two inch cock barely justified even being called a cock. It was prepubescent. It was a little baby dick. It was a MICRO PENIS.

If yesterday was a medical emergency, today was a downright crisis. But he couldn't go to the hospital. He couldn't show a doctor what was happening. What if the doctor was a man, or worse, what if the doctor was a WOMAN?

He imagined the thought of pulling his pants down to show a female doctor his predicament. He imagined her blushing and having to turn away from his malformed weeble-wobble to stifle her laughter. He imagined her not being able to stifle her laughter. He imagined her calling in other staff to look at this downstairs mix-up. He imagined the whole room echoing with the noise of their raucous giggling response. He imagined this and it filled him with dread, and then a kind of rage.

Toby Keith couldn't deal with the stress of this anxiety. He had a refrigerator loaded with Bud Light, and quickly he found himself ten beers to the wind. He drank til he puked. Then he drank some more. The night was a blur of light and tears, his head a roar of rambling incoherent mumbles. He passed out.

The next morning, things were worse.

On the day of September 13, 2021, Toby Keith, no not the country singer he gets that all the time, woke up to find that his penis was GONE.

His head was a raging cluster of pain and white static. He was hungover as hell. But still, he felt like he was waking with his customary morning wood. He had been dreaming a dream that he had had for months. Lauren Boebert was letting him double team her with the president, the real president, Mr. Trump.

Lauren was sucking Trump's dick enthusiastically while he fucked her from behind and she was letting him hold her AR-15 in his left hand. They were in the Oval Office. Golden light poured in the windows, hazily enhanced by the thin white curtains. Trump looked at Toby Keith and gave him a big thumbs up.

"This is the best," Donald said. "Look at you. You're huge. You're gonna blow."

But when Toby Keith woke up, he was not going to blow. There was nothing to blow. He reached down into his underwear to find that his penis was not there. It was simply gone. He fumbled his fingers down into his crotch, his panic-stricken mind unable to grasp what was happening, even as his hand was unable to grasp what it instinctively knew should be there. Instead of his engorged member, there was just a smooth hump of flesh, like a Ken Doll.

Toby shrieked. He paced. Then he shrieked some more. He stood in front of the mirror and stared, completely nude. The sight was horrific. He was no longer a man. He wasn't even a woman. He was a monster. The rage he had felt the previous day at the thought of the women doctors laughing returned, only it bubbled up with more ferocity.

He felt like a volcano. Toby Keith was now a volcano. He punched the mirror and it shattered, breaking his reflection up into tiny repeated triangles and other odd shapes. His knuckles bled.

I can't go on like this, he thought. How can I be a man if I don't have a penis?

And suddenly, Toby Keith had an idea.

He walked into his bedroom. He went into his closet. He picked up his AR-15. He smelled the oil and the metal. He placed a clip into the chamber and snapped back the safety. He pulled the cocking mechanism.

Toby Keith was ready to explode.