The pleasure principle

Does anyone recall who discussed sexual pleasure with you? Is there anyone who talks to us about sexual pleasure? Was it covered in sex education classes, or did it focus solely on STDs and pregnancy prevention? Did parents ever discuss pleasure with us? No. As infants, our only understanding is pleasure. Touching ourselves feels good, and it isn’t linked to sex until someone says, "Don't touch yourself!" As teenagers, expressing interest in sex often leads to being labeled negatively, right? Even today, such comments persist. Society celebrates male pleasure while shaming women for the same desires. Negative messages about sexuality still come from our families, culture, and religion. Then, as adults in relationships, we are expected to embrace sex wholeheartedly.

Many women of all ages express concerns about orgasms. They may not experience the "fireworks" they expect or may not orgasm during intercourse, leading them to believe they have a problem. However, when I inquire about their experiences with self-pleasure, they often report no issues. Yet, they still feel a problem exists regarding orgasm. Desire is another frequent concern. For most individuals, desire is not constant; it fluctuates significantly over time. Many women express that they view sex as a chore, something to give rather than share or enjoy. This often occurs when one partner has a much higher desire than the other. In such cases, women may avoid sex and intimacy, leading to feelings of frustration and loneliness, leaving them to wonder: What's wrong with me? Do I not love my partner? Am I not attracted to my partner? Yet, when we discuss it, they often do feel attraction and love for their partner, and they do enjoy sex when it happens.

So, what’s the issue? If someone is in a poor or dysfunctional relationship, that can certainly impact desire. But what about those in generally happy relationships? It’s essential to understand how desire functions in women. For many women, desire is no longer spontaneous in long-term relationships. Studies indicate that long-term can mean anything from six months to 18 months, after which the initial excitement typically fades. Spontaneous desire diminishes, and desire becomes more responsive, meaning it is triggered by a partner's stimulation.

What can be done? Commitment to sexuality is necessary. One must consciously choose to engage in it, recognizing its benefits and the pleasure it brings. It requires effort to prioritize sexuality. For instance, consider how many people genuinely love going to the gym. When the alarm rings at 5 or 6 AM, many might hesitate to get up, despite knowing they'll feel great after working out. The same applies to sexuality; it often requires a conscious choice rather than spontaneous desire.

Understanding one’s body is crucial, especially for women. How many could identify their vulvas if lined up? Most men could easily identify their penises. Women have a unique organ solely for sexual pleasure: the clitoris. Many women cannot orgasm through intercourse alone; they need clitoral stimulation. Research indicates that women who do orgasm through intercourse often have a shorter distance between the vaginal opening and the clitoris, allowing for more pressure.

When women learn these facts—that desire is often responsive and that orgasms typically require clitoral stimulation—the relief on their faces is priceless. They realize they are normal, dispelling the notion that something is wrong with them. Sexual health, recognized as a human right by the World Health Organization, encompasses sexual pleasure. Abandoning sex can harm physical health and relationships. Studies show that those who engage in sex regularly tend to live longer, look better, feel better, and maintain healthier relationships.

So, what is the key? The key is understanding that sexuality is ever-evolving; what feels pleasurable can change over time. Desire may fluctuate within relationships and within oneself. The most important takeaway is that sexuality evolves. Prioritizing and reclaiming pleasure is essential, requiring a shift in attitude.

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