the grocery store bathroom became my battleground

the first time i hesitated

outside a bathroom door

i was buying milk

and tampons

ironic

considering

the fluorescent lights buzzed overhead

like angry wasps

and i stood there

frozen

between the stick figures

on two doors

neither one feeling like home

my bladder full

my heart fuller

with fear

that grocery store on maple street

became the place

where i learned

that existing in public

requires strategy

requires courage

requires choosing

a battle

every single time

i need to pee

the women's room

where i spent

twenty-three years

of my life

without question

now feels like trespassing

like wearing someone else's clothes

that almost fit

but pull in all the wrong places

the mirror shows me

someone in between

someone the world

hasn't figured out

how to categorize yet

and neither have i

but the men's room

feels like jumping

off a cliff

into sharp rocks

and explaining myself

to strangers

who might not understand

that i'm just trying

to wash my hands

and leave

so i hold it

walk three blocks

to the coffee shop

where sam works

and knows me

knows my name

knows i'm safe there

my bladder screaming

but my dignity intact

this became my routine

mapping safe spaces

like a refugee

in my own hometown

avoiding target

because their bathrooms

are too busy

too many people

who might stare

might ask questions

i can't answer yet

choosing the gas station

on fourth street

because it's single stall

and has a lock

and nobody cares

who you are

as long as you buy

something first

so i buy gum

every single time

peppermint courage

in little white squares

the day everything changed

was a tuesday

i was grocery shopping

again

always grocery shopping

because humans need food

and i am still

technically

human

even when the world

forgets

i walked past the bathroom

like always

but stopped

something different

in my chest

tired

of being tired

tired of planning

my entire day

around where

i can safely

empty my bladder

tired of treating

basic human needs

like military operations

i pushed open

the women's room door

held my breath

prayed to whoever

might be listening

that it would be empty

it wasn't

an older woman

washing her hands

looked up

looked at me

and for a moment

time stopped

i waited for

the confrontation

the questions

the security guard

the humiliation

instead

she smiled

dried her hands

and said

"honey, your hair

looks lovely today"

and left

i stood there

stunned

in a grocery store bathroom

that smelled like

industrial soap

and possibility

realizing

that most people

are just trying

to get through

their day

just like me

that bathroom

became my practice space

my training ground

for existing

in a world

that wasn't built

for people like me

but has room

if i'm brave enough

to take up space

now when i see

someone hesitating

outside a bathroom door

looking lost

looking scared

i remember

that older woman's

small kindness

and i try

to be that

for someone else

because we're all

just trying

to wash our hands

and get on

with our lives

and sometimes

the grocery store bathroom

isn't a battleground

after all

sometimes

it's just

a place

where humans

help other humans

remember

they belong

here

too