Signs of a bad or fake Dom

So one of the reasons that I want to write about topics like this is because I want people to have an awesome (and safe) experience in the lifestyle. I especially don't want female subs to get hurt. Don't take that as me being anti male or anti dom. I'm pro lifestyle but I also know that female subs are usually preyed on. All of these will be about male and female doms and dom leaning switches. So there is a lot of ways to tell that someone is a fake dom. Let's get started.

One of the first sign of fake dom is if they have no Dom qualities at all. If you are a Dom you need to have the ability to make good decisions and be in charge. This is not to say that you can't work for someone else or be submissive at your job but then turn around and be a dominate in your relationship. The Dom needs to be mature as well and they has nothing to do with age. I've seen people who were in their 20s who were a lot more mature than people in their 40s.

New Doms are not all bad but they are only bad when they won't learn from good people. This is where good mentors come into play. Where new Doms get into trouble is when they think being a Dom is all about bossing people around, being controlling and having sex. You can be kinky or be a Dom without having sex. New Doms don't really know how to be Doms but that doesn't make them bad. They just need to learn.

If they use pet names for you or them right away run away. A daddy dom saying "Daddy wants to talk to you and get to know you" that's wrong. They should not call themselves sir, daddy or anything like that when they just start to talk to you. Also them calling you anything like princess, slave or anything like that is wrong.

Fake doms may also demand submission. Submission is earned just like respect and trust. They may also expect you to submit in situations when you don't want to or feel comfortable. They may also ask things of you that makes you uncomfortable.

Poly doms aren't bad either as long as they do it the right way. As long as you do it for the right reasons and do it the right way it doesn't make you a bad dom. People also need to have good communication about everything and to be on the same page.

So let's talk about the doms who want money or gifts. There are financial and pro doms but not everyone is into that. If they are asking for money before you even agreed to that kind of dynamic with them then they are fake. Not all doms are financial doms.

If they exhibit bad dominant behavior or just overall bad behavior they're a bad dom. This can include not respecting boundaries, cheating and lying. Some people think that just because the dom respects boundaries then that's all that matters. There's more to being a dom than respecting boundaries. There is some doms that don't give their subs any rights without the sub even agreeing to that. You have to agree to everything as both partners.

Another big thing is they show signs of abuse. Sometimes these abusive people can hide in the lifestyle for three main reasons. The first reason is that stuff like degrading and slapping could be a kink. The second reason is newbies don't know certain things so they explain it away or they just believe the dom tells them that it's a part of the lifestyle. The third is in public or amongst the kink crowd they can put on an act of the perfect dom and fool everyone.

Fake doms will punish you for stuff like asking questions. They may also not praise you, they will only punish you. They may also over punish you. What I mean by that is the punishment will not fit what you did.

Doms who claim to have a lot experience but don't know basics of the lifestyle are fake. Now there are some doms that weren't taught the basics or they refused to learn the basics. I know people who have amazing teachers but blow off learning stuff. I refuse to teach people who aren't willing to learn or blow it off. I don't want people to think that I'm a bad dom because they refuse to learn stuff. They may also over exaggerate their experience. They may say they did all these scenes and have all these sub but they really haven't.

They may also want to be in a kink relationship for the sex and play. They won't want to do any of the important things like getting to know you or your boundaries. If they focus only on sex then they just want kinky sex and aren't a real dom. They will demand sex also. People who just want sex or play aren't bad they may just be kinksters. I was accused of being a kinkster because I didn't want to do the dynamic the way they wanted to. That's obviously different then being a kinkster.

If they intimidate a sub, they aren't a real dom. There maybe a rare sub who is into being intimidated but if they are doing that to a sub without permission is not a real dom. They will try to intimidate to get what they want or get the sub to do what they want them to do. This is a sign of abuse and should not be tolerated in vanilla or BDSM. They may also bully you or scream at you for things. They will try to get their way through means of intimidation or bullying.

A fake dom will ghost or pull away without reason. Everyone gets busy and has issues but that doesn't give anyone to pull away or just not contact their partner without reason or a heads up. Every relationship is about communication but especially in this lifestyle.

Some subs don't mind being a maid for their dom but there's a difference between a dom wanting a service sub and the dom being too lazy to pick up after themselves. It's about intention on a lot of this stuff. A master or dom just looking for this is a fake.

If they push scenes (and you) too far they are bad and dangerous. You have boundaries for a reason and if he doesn't respect them that will do damage to your mental health. They also shouldn't go beyond your boundaries. They could also ignore the safe signals or words while they are pushing it too far.

Fake/ bad doms will send unsolicited dick (or nudes/privates) pictures especially early on or before you even meet. It has to be about consent. I had a few guys do that to me it's very off putting. Plus when you're looking for a dom it's not about the dick. They may also ask for nudes right away. In either way if they are requesting them or sending unsolicited nudes it may all be about sex.

A bad or fake dom wouldn't want to take you to any kink events or clubs because you would embarrass them or you're not ready. This is especially true if they say these things but not prepare you to go to these events. Plus if you embarrass them, why are they with you.

A lot of people say that you have to have references. Be careful with references because even the worst of us can probably find one person who likes us and would say nice things about us. A lot of us either don't talk to our exes or if asked about us they may or may not say the best things about us. I would focus less on the references and more on how they act and talk.

Another warning sign is that they don't want to teach or train you to do anything. Maybe they can't teach you to do anything. Also they may not be able to answer your questions about anything. There is a huge difference between a dom who can't answer questions or teach you and a dom who is willing to learn with you.

If they don't agree to safe words or signs that will tell to stop then they're fake. If you are doing a scene you need a safe word and if you are gagged then you need a signal in case there is trouble. Safe words and signals keep the sub safe, so they are essential.

If they bad talk the other people in the lifestyle or the lifestyle in general they are fake. I ran into people like this and I just sit there thinking "if the lifestyle or the people are so bad why are you here?" I have heard people say that the lifestyle only attracts degenerate freaks. One of the reasons these people are in this lifestyle is maybe they just want to practice it the way they want to even if it's wrong. They think everyone else is just stupid and wrong. Another reason is because they're abusers and they want somewhere to hide.

When it comes to rules pay attention. Doms don't have to set rules but if they do set rules just pay attention. Fake doms' rules will over step boundaries or over step in general. The rules may also not make sense. The rules may also seem overbearing like you don't have any freedom.

They are also bad fake if they want to meet for the first couple times in private. That's just not fake that's dangerous. You don't know this person so why would you want to meet them in private? You can get raped or hurt. You can also get into a bad or unsafe situation.

I believe I got everything. If you have a question, comment or concern email me ([email protected]). I will answer all emails and maybe turn my answers into a post.