Self Trained

So I’ve come to the realization that I have no clue what I’m doing. And that’s okay.

It’s not like there’s been anyone to teach me along the day. People that work in this industry don’t often have anyone to turn to with their questions and the internet is full of numerous answers. Some are good, most are just confusing and contradictory.

I’ve been in the industry since I was 18. A few people asked me if I ever saw myself getting into porn when I was younger, and the short answer is yes. The long answer is also... yes.

Fact of the matter is, there’s only so much objectification, assault, and harassment you can deal with before your entire idea of sex in general is so skewed and bizarre that you realize the only place you might belong is on the more extreme side of intimacy. Especially when said experiences begin at a young age.

As a young girl, I developed quickly, everyone made fun of me. Even my own step-father would often make the comment that, “I looked like a cheap whore.” Or a, “two piece hooker.”

What do you even do with a comment like that at 12?

You internalize it. You let it fester. You realize that no matter how hard you fight you’re going to be objectified, so you lean into it. Make your peace with being a thing to look at rather than a person with a lot of good to offer the world.

I dropped into a deep pit of shame. I felt that I had to drape myself in oversized clothes. I wouldn’t change in front of anyone, and I just stopped caring about myself. I ate so much, so that my boobs looked smaller with the weight I was gaining.

Left on my own, I turned to the internet, which was full of predators. We won’t get into that bit, but basically I was almost abducted before I smartened up.

Later on in my teen years I experienced unwanted groping, comments, and was sexually assaulted before I could even make it to 18.

From there I landed in an abusive relationship with Brian. I was used and raped for three years. Thank God Mia saved me.

But enough that of my #tragicbackstory....

I had to train myself when I started camming at 18. I’ve been through the scams, learned the dread of watermarks, and studied the rules of Reddit. I’ve been banned, bamboozled, and bribed, oh my!

And still I have no clue what I’m doing. I don’t know what’s considered “good” for profits. I don’t know what’s considered “lots” when it comes to followers and fans. I don’t know...

The uncertainty is terrifying. Especially considering I have a team depending on me to lead them.

I’ve never been much of a leader though. I’m just a sub, I belong in the bottom, I know that. But there’s just something about kitten kisses, it’s a community and it’s a needed service.

I just want people to feel the love and hard work that’s been put into it. But you appreciate it, right? Whoever you are...

If there’s any one reading this right now, looking for guidance, my best advice is to trust your gut. If it’s too good to be true, it usually is. Just trust yourself love, because in this world, you’re all you have.

Wow... didn’t expect to be so melancholy today, hopefully next post will be more optimistic.

Until next time!

Always yours,

Alice