Porn Again-A Novel, Part Ten

CONTINUED FROM PART NINE...

“Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man: no time to talk. Music was loud and women warm, I've been kicked around since I was born. And now it's all right. It's OK. And you may look the other way...”

With a newfound spring in his step along with a charismatic swagger that he probably never possessed, Happy strolled through the streets of the Quarter like a man on a mission. The new world was suddenly becoming his oyster; noticeable by the stares and winks he was getting from several women he passed along the street. The last few weeks had been good to him indeed. Taking advantage of his spare time, Happy started working out on a regular schedule and paying more attention to his appearance. Late-night fast food binges on oversized burgers or convenience store chicken soon gave way to hour-long sessions in the gym doing squats, curls, deadlifts, and considerable time on the elliptical. Clanging and banging baby...clanging and banging. And as for last season J. Crew crappy casual??? Thanks to some help from Lucky, those days were now behind him. Now it was designer suits from the Men’s Warehouse, complete with custom shades and subtle cologne that meant business. He’d even received a clean bill of health from the doctor. No infectious diseases to confess to. Praise God.

Nowadays whenever he walked in the store, the staff perked up a bit...all except Danielle of course. The renovations and upgrades that came along transformed a once dingy, cluttered retail establishment into a fine boutique of romantic and naughty playthings rivaling anything out of Los Angeles, New York, or Paris. Sections of the store, especially toys had been completely remodeled. Instead of the typical bargain grocery sex toy experience, entire sections were now dedicated to top-selling manufacturers such as LELO, DOC JOHNSON, JIMMY JANE, and the ever-popular WE-VIBE. Happy took a few moments to soak it all in, grabbing himself a latte from the newly established café on the first floor. Yep, the new store had it all. Tourists could remain entertained on the first floor, browsing through the finest collection of apparel, lingerie, bath & body products, or jewelry and accessories. Or if they preferred, they could venture upstairs and splurge on a dildo or a cock ring to go along with their cappuccino. Tell Victoria that the secret is finally out.

Making his way up to the second floor, he could see that business was booming. Small, medium, and large pink shopping bags bearing the newly designed Insatiable Desires logo were being stuffed with everything from DVDs and sex toys to all manner of sweet, sexy lubricants and edible panties. Happy could feel himself filling up with pride at all the sales conversations on the floor.

“Well this cute little item is called a Rabbit,” Starscream said to a young woman. “It’s pretty strong and can provide a multiple range of sensations, both for vaginal and clit stimulation.”

Happy watched on as she went through the various speeds and functions of the toy, impressing the young lady. As for the boyfriend she brought with her, he felt out of place.

“Well, what do you think?” she asked him.

“Me, what are you asking me for? I’m just paying for it, you’re the one using it.”

“You’re gonna pay for it one way or another,” an eavesdropping Barabbas chimed in. “Just go with the flow young man.”

“Shut up and go away,” Starscream giggled. “So what do you think?”

The girl blushed a little. “I don’t know. $100 is a lot of money for a vibrator.”

Starscream agreed. “It is a lot, but you do get what you pay for. Tell me something though, you’re a college student right?”

The girl nodded.

“Got any student loans?”

“Several, unfortunately,” she groaned.

“Oh, so you’re already getting fucked,” Starscream joked. “At least

with this vibrator, you’ll get to enjoy it.”

The couple laughed as they agreed on the purchase.

“Just one other thing,” she added. ‘For this toy, you will also need

three things: batteries, of course, a nice lubricant and toy cleaner.”

“Why toy cleaner?”

This was something Happy had learned about while going through his hours of research. The reason toy cleaner is so important is simple. When a woman uses a vibrator regularly, what will happen is the enzymes in her body fluid will eventually break down the material, especially if the vibrator or dildo is porous. It won’t happen overnight, but it does happen. Soap doesn’t wash out completely, so a nice, antibacterial cleaner is great for keeping the toys safe. Another way to go would be to place a condom on said dildo or vibrator for extra protection. This was a tip Happy had encouraged the staff to use, so he was pleased to see how well it was working. That couple along with plenty others took the advice well.

“Hey kid, over here,” Starscream called over to the boyfriend.

His girlfriend, pretty excited to head back home and play with her toy was distracted, thumbing through a sex manual. Starscream brought him over to the lube wall and handed him a small box of some sort. The packaging read GOOD HEAD.

“This is for her to use,” she said. “Cinnamon flavored and easy to use. Tell her to apply a drop or two of this stuff in her mouth, and she’ll be swallowing your cock deep like a porn star.”

A million-dollar smile flashed across his face. “Fuck yeah, dude! Sweet!” He hugged and quickly grabbed his girlfriend’s arm, dragging her back to the cash register.

“One more thing,” she added. “Start stocking up on pineapple juice and cut back on the beer.”

“Why is that?”

“In case you like the idea of her swallowing, you may want to do something to help make it taste better.”

Filled with enthusiasm over the information, the kid raced down the stairs. Browsers and otherwise shy, intimidated folks curious about the store gained amusement through novelties such as X-rated fortune cookies and large, phallic-shaped lollipops. A favorite for tourists and bachelorette parties, Happy made a habit of placing two boxes of them near the cash registers as impulse buys. Customers gobbled them up by the dozens. He often found a little inside humor in the fact that he’d turned nearly half of Bourbon St. into a bunch of cocksuckers. Other notably drunk, obnoxious customers as usual often ventured their way to the second floor. Here they took to the habit of posing for pictures of themselves holding dildos to their faces for their respective social media pages.

Speaking of which, here’s the thing...

***

A few nights before the aforementioned segue, Barabbas worked one of his first shifts in charge as the Manager On Duty. It was a perfectly fine sales night otherwise...until...

A group of much older women visibly intoxicated and rocking feather boas staggered their way up the stairs. Barabbas prepared himself as soon as he heard that famous war cry:

“Come on girls, let’s check out some cock!”

Ever the professional, he tried to give them some space to shop around. Sure enough, things got interesting. One of the ladies in question ran straight to the Doc Johnson section, grabbed the largest, most realistic-looking dildo she could find, and showed it to him.

“Is this your size?”

Oh hell no. Not this again...

He tried to be polite and accommodating, but the lady decided to crank it up to another level, groping all over him and grabbing his crotch.

“Aww come on sweetheart, you can tell me. If I bought this, would I be taking you home?”

“Ma’am, could you please take your hands off me?”

She gave him a disgruntled look. “Why are you so tense? You do work in a sex store after all.”

Had to love the glaring double standard of working in a sex store. It was always interesting how people seemed to think that something as serious as sexual harassment didn’t occur inside this type of environment. If a male customer ever harassed a female staff member, that man would be escorted out of the store immediately. When female customers harassed male staff members...the rules changed.

Barabbas motioned for the security guard, already en route. Much better to put this to rest before it got worse.

“Oh my God,” the woman erupted with laughter as she picked up the packaging and read the name. “Bust It-Realistic Squirting Cock. Hey girls! I found one that squirts cum!”

Not exactly, Barabbas thought to himself in growing agitation. New to the Doc Johnson line was a perfectly realistic-looking and popular dildo that was not only designed for vaginal stimulation but also replicated the feel of an actual penis ejaculating. With each package came a special creamy lubricant with the same consistency as actual semen. Nut Butter. Yep...one couldn’t make this stuff up if one tried.

“Ok, ok,” she said, breathing all over him with a stench that was revolting. “At least can you take a picture of me holding this?”

“Ma’am, we don’t allow photography in“

Not paying him any attention, the woman nearly ripped open the packaging, holding the dildo not near, but in her mouth. Her girlfriends all laughed hysterically as they quickly snapped photos. See, there’s a reason why most respectable sex stores have a policy of absolutely NO photography or video whatsoever. While it may seem at the time that placing said dildo inside one’s mouth for the sake of that prized Facebook photo is a great idea, you’ve now created a precarious position. For example...

Somewhere in America, a little girl who couldn’t sleep one night snuck out of her bedroom and into her parents' office. Fumbling around on the computer, which was still buzzing with multiple websites open, she was completely oblivious to the grunts and moans coming from their bedroom. That rhythmic knocking and banging of the headboard did nothing to distract the rapid clicking of her fingers on the keyboard. The monitor grew brighter as the Facebook page of one of her mother’s friends popped up. The little girl’s eyes widened to the size of golf balls.

“Mama!!!”

A few seconds later, her poor mother raced through the house to find her baby girl. Dressed in a disheveled and ripped cheerleader’s outfit and holding a plunger in her hands, she grew even more shocked when she became aware of what her daughter was looking at on the screen.

“Mommy, what’s a cock?”

See what I mean?

Now thanks to some ill-advised humor for the sake of social media, this woman along with the store carrying the item is technically a sex offender. Moving along...

***

Customers were thoroughly engaged and entertained by a more seasoned and knowledgeable staff, courtesy of the product training supplied by Happy. All of this was under the watchful eye of the ever-present security guard, who ensured that the local thugs no longer came into the store, slicing open DVD boxes or trying to stuff dildos into their jeans on the way out.

“So, would you prefer the Toyota...or the Ferrari?”

Happy looked on in amazement at the sight of Barabbas holding court at the toy-testing table. But before we get into that, let’s clarify something. The idea of ‘testing’ a toy is not exactly what one may think. The reason the staff in your local sex store would offer to test a toy you’re interested in is to ensure that it works. They’ll be nice enough to open the packaging, place batteries inside, and describe the functions and features of the product while you cycle through the speeds yourself. Once you’ve verified that the product does work to your satisfaction, they can continue with the sale. The reason for such a presentation is obvious:

There are NO returns or exchanges on adult merchandise or lingerie. EVER.

Many people would probably argue, “Oh come on Happy, nobody is that stupid.”

YES. THEY ARE.

The store sold several ‘Ferraris’ that day, all thanks to the fine work done by Barabbas and Starscream. Happy grew more and more pleased with the duo, especially Starscream who was becoming even more adept at selling stripper poles and Liberator furniture left and right.

Speaking of which, why is it that a lot of women look down on strippers as being nasty and disgusting, yet those same women will go out and not only take stripper dance classes but also buy stripper poles???

Down on the first floor, he eyed the mass traffic of customers being helped by staff who knew he was paying attention. Blake was on fire in lingerie, dressing strippers in mini skirts, and other outfits complete with accessories. It was then that something caught Happy’s eye, something he wasn’t exactly comfortable with. A much older man came into the store, bringing Blake lunch and chatting for a few minutes. Happy continued to watch them out of the corner of his eye, catching the man giving Blake a deep, sensual kiss before leaving. This was something that was going to have to be addressed soon.

The sudden buzzing of his cell phone distracted him for a bit. He groaned at the name on the display.

“Yeah, Pop.”

“Yeah, Pop? Is that how you answer your father these days? I haven’t seen or heard from you in I don’t know how long, and all you have to say is ‘Yeah Pop’?”

“I’m sorry Pop, but I’ve been a bit busy over here. Work as usual.”

“Oh yeah? You got a good job?”

“Yeah. I got a real good one.”

“Really?” Chas asked. “So what are you doing these days? What’s your job this time?”

Happy struggled for the right answer. He’d rarely lied to his father before, but he certainly couldn’t tell him about the store. Clutching at straws for something suitable, he noticed a group of women all heading down the stairs with bags containing LELO products.

“Are you there?”

“Yeah, Pop. I’m...in electronics these days.”

“Electronics?”

“Yeah, Pop. I’m working in an electronics store. Lucky came through this time and I caught a good break. Look I have to go, I’ll call some other time. Kiss mom for me.”

And with that, he abruptly hung up.

TO BE CONTINUED IN PART ELEVEN...